Bedtime

I love that it takes 15 minutes for us to say good night. ... every night. :) I know I'm in the honeymoon stage but I love it. I have to get back to reality soon and I'm going to cling to these days spent with him. I hope he does the same.

A Bad Day

Today was a bad day.

Memories came up that I never want to remember. I kind of want to do something violent. But I won't. I'll just cry instead. We all know how much that solves.

I miss the days when I never got sick. I miss feeling well. I miss taking for granted that I would wake up in the morning and my stomach wouldn't be killing me. I miss being able to eat whatever, whenever, and not have to worry about whether or not I was going to be in the bathroom for 20 minutes an hour later. I miss not looking at the nutritional labels, counting calories, and dividing and multiplying it all just to make sure I don't go off and die or something.

I think the moral of the story is that I'm angry. I'm angry at my health and I'm angry that things still affect me.

*sigh* I don't even know what else to say. I feel the need to rant and rave and throw things but I don't have the ability. I only really have the desire to just curl up in bed and cry for a good long while. Maybe I will.

It's a Two-Way Street

c: i have a weird love for you
c: like i don't want to live without you in mym life
c: like i'd rather be dead than without you
me: well that's weird. I have a very similar feeling toward you.
c: and it's kinda fucked up
c: and a part of me really doesn't like it
c: because... it's unnatural
me: I'm sorry.
c: it's out of my comfort zone
c: and it's scary
c: i trust you
c: i don't trust people

me: C...
me: I'm terrified.
c: of?
me: I just thought you should know that.
me: of all the bad things that could happen and make me lose you.
c: you're stuck with my fat ugly ass
me: I just don't want you to think you're alone in your fears....

..........................................................................................................................................................

It feels good to know that I'm not the only one who's afraid.

It also feels good to know that he cares enough to have those kinds of fears.

I'm still scared.... but I feel better.

Mild Freak-Out Time

Miss me? It's been a whole 2 minutes. I need to update.

I'm terrified... absolutely terrified. I'm scared that I'm just a placeholder. I'm scared that I'm going to show up and things aren't going to work out. I'm scared that he'll leave. I'm scared that he'll find someone else. I'm scared he wishes I were someone else. I'm scared he'll stay with me because he promised he would even though he'd rather be with someone else. I'm scared I'll never be enough. I'm scared. I'm really really scared.

I don't think any of that is going to happen but they all seem at least mildly plausible.

I'm scared he's going to get bored. I'm scared the stress of being physically apart is going to ruin it. I'm scared that when he sees me in person he's not going to want me anymore. I'm scared that when we kiss there won't be a spark. I'm scared that I won't be enough. ... I already said that. It bears repeating. I'm scared that it won't last. I'm scared that this is all just a fairytale. I'm scared that he doesn't really love me or that if he does it will go away. I'm scared I will drive him away. I'm scared that if he saw this list of fears he would freak out and leave. I'm scared that he won't understand. I'm scared I'll never understand. I'm scared.

I'm scared because I love him dearly. I'm scared because it's not official. I'm scared because we haven't met. I'm scared because everything seems like it can change in an instant.

I'm scared that he'll find someone better... or realize that someone he's already been with is better than me.

So far I haven't let any of these fears get to me and I'm certainly not reacting to any of them. I can't. They're just fears. They are based on my own insecurity and the uncertainties I have in this situation. At some point those insecurities and uncertainties will go away and I will be fine. Or... the worst case scenario.... my insecurities and uncertainties end up being based on solid ground.

Things he has told me that should make me feel better:
He loves me.
I'm the only one for him.
He wants to be with me forever. (I could be paraphrasing there but I think that's the gist of it.)
He will love me for all the rest of our days.
He wants us to be together.
There has been talk of children. (Somewhat jokingly most of the time but a few times seriously.)
There has been talk of marriage. (I kinda fucked that one up, I think, though.)

... I feel slightly better now. I don't feel quite as insane anyway.

I meet him in March. I can't wait. :)

Family

I'm getting to the point where I hate almost everyone who is related to me. My paternal family may as well not exist. They care about me almost as much as I care about them... but not quite. I'm even getting to the point that I don't want to talk to any of my half-sisters.


For example, one of them had the following status today: "So once again, I say SCREW you & your political correctness..-This messege brought to you by THIS Pro-LIFE, anti-homosexual marriage, Bible-believing, Jesus lovin', PRAYING, CHRISTIAN!..That is all.. :)"


Other than her religious and political beliefs we get along well but both of those categories are a big part of both of our lives and it makes it almost impossible to talk to her. In fact, I haven't talked to her in quite a while. I just can't stomach it. It kinda makes me sick.


I still get along well with my oldest half-sister but we never talk. Seriously. I mean, it's not that surprising, I didn't meet these people until 3 years ago, it's not like we're used to having each other around. I just think I'm to the point that I really don't care to try anymore. I don't want to feel guilty for not talking to people that I honestly only vaguely know and only care about because of common genetics. It seems rather pointless.


That sounds really harsh. I care about them. Of course I do. I just don't feel like they're family. I don't think that's so odd considering the situation.


Speaking of family....


Christmas went really well this year. Much better than last year's fiasco of terribleness. No one was avoiding me or not talking to me and yeah... it was just better. There were still a few comments made that made me bow my head and grit my teeth but I have a feeling that's always going to happen.


Anywho. I suppose that's about it for now. New Years was also good, in case you were wondering. I didn't get drunk and I didn't go to any parties. I stayed home with Alison, her son, and her infant godson. Other than the constant crying it was a really good night.


Until next time. *tips hat*










Ok, ok, I'm not really wearing a hat. Sue me.