I hate nights like tonight. I never know how they happen. I never remember why I'm so fucking depressed, why I'm crying my eyes out like there's no tomorrow.
Side note, in response to the text I just received: I'm sorry that I interrupted your sleep to tell you I loved you and I'm sorry that I wanted... maybe even needed... to hear it back. I know you know the feeling, so I don't know why you'd be so surprised.
Anyway...
Since we can't seem to actually fucking converse, I'm going to tell you what happened with me and why I reacted the way I did here and I would like an actual response to this in the form of an email. Preferably tomorrow, but god forbid I make such demands. Besides, as you have made clear, tomorrow is going to be bad enough for you. I'm sure I'll be making it worse in plenty of ways throughout the day, so just respond as soon as you have the energy.
While I'm thinking about it, do you know what I was thinking while you were telling me about your day tomorrow? No, you don't. Because I didn't tell you. Because... well. It doesn't matter why, I'm telling you now. I was thinking that while you're out doing all of that, I'm going to be sitting at home thinking about how cruel it is that I have the morning and most of the day off and could actually sit and talk to you but you have a busy day and that's not going to happen. At all. We might get to talk in the morning for an hour but I doubt it. Because we will both be dealing with the residual shit from tonight and neither of us will want to bring it up because there won't be time. So it will be a lot of just sitting there, not actually talking. Then you will leave. We will text little, as you will be busy. You will start to text me more as you get to Suzie's and have nothing better to do but it won't be anything meaningful. I won't complain though. It will be nice to have something. Then, when you finally get home, I will be leaving for or will have already left for work. I will text you throughout my shift though it won't be much and you'll be tired anyway so you'll probably want to take advantage of the silence. By the time I get home from work it is likely that you will be asleep as you will probably sleep like shit tonight and thus will be very tired and will not want to stay up to talk to me. And I can't blame you. At all. It only makes sense. But I will get sad because I didn't get to talk to you and either suck it up and not show you that it bothers me so as to better take care of you, actually be ok with it, or say something that makes you feel horrible and stay up until I get home so we can have a miserable 5 minute conversation and go to bed.
That's why I was upset. That is the train of thought that followed after I remembered that I was supposed to be up there tomorrow. Seeing you. Being with you. Hugging you... So please, forgive my tears. They were actually founded. I think so anyway.
Now. As to when I got home tonight and what ensued.
You have told me that you can't be trusted. And then you get pissed when I show a sign of doubt. You have told me that you don't talk to new people because when you do, you are tempted to do things you shouldn't. And yet you get pissed when I consider the possibilities. How is this fair?
When I came home, I was happy. I was eager to share my joy with you and I knew it was going to be a great night. I was going to make you happy, we were going to have a nice, somewhat long conversation on the phone and we were going to go to bed blissfully happy. I guess my psychic powers were a little off. Instead, when I got home you were busy. Not only were you busy, but you were busy with a new girl who intrigued you enough that you could talk to her for seven hours. I felt completely and utterly replaced. Then I realized I should be happy that you found someone you could talk to. But I felt completely and utterly replaced. I felt like I no longer had any significant role in your life. Everything I do for you can be done by other people.
As I was leaving for work today, I felt more horrible than you can possibly imagine. I felt like I didn't have time for you and I wanted to shoot myself for that. I always thought I would never be too busy for you. I still say that I will always make time for you. I text you from work and risk getting caught and written up because I love you and can't leave you alone all day. Except today you weren't even alone... If I hadn't texted you, you would have been fine. Fuck, I'm talking in circles. *breathes*
When I left I was hoping that you would talk to me when I got home or would actually send that email. I was hoping that I could redeem myself for not being able to stay.
I don't even know how to explain everything that happened when I learned about this new person. It wasn't even so much that I thought you would cheat, as I said. That really wasn't what I was afraid of. It was just that... I already felt so bad... and then I was so happy and so ready to take care of you... only to find out that someone else already had. Someone else was filling your day and making you happy. So in a way, I snapped. No... not in a way... I did snap. Something snapped. I was gone. From then on, it was a battle. Everything was a battle. You gave up. I begged for reassurance and you preached to me about how it would do no good. Even though I was telling you it would. Your fight was gone. You couldn't even say anything. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in those instances. I don't know how to make you understand.
My head is still spinning. This isn't what I wanted to say. This isn't coming out right.
Stop assuming. Stop thinking you know what I want even when I tell you different. Stop giving up. Stop deciding that you're going to lose before you even try.
I hate myself for telling you to stop. I feel like I'm giving you rules.
Fuck.
Now I want to give up. Now my fight is gone.
I think you're going to read this wrong. I think you're not going to understand. I think this might be hopeless... I think... I think.... I don't know what I think.
Sometimes it seems like the only thing that keeps us together is the fact that I'm so goddamn stubborn. Like you would just roll over and let it be done if I didn't stop you and force you to talk or something. It's depressing.
I don't like it.
I'm so tired...
I am running myself thin and I know it. I am trying to make you my number one priority but you won't allow it. I am trying to take care of you and you won't allow it. If I am not able to talk to you, you get depressed. When I try to move things around so that I will be able to talk to you, you act like I'm an idiot for doing that and that you don't want to talk. It's ridiculous.
God, my head is still spinning. I know this isn't making sense. I know you're probably still not going to understand and even if you do you're going to think I acted stupidly and illogically and you will still be annoyed and maybe even hate me a little. Or a lot.
I don't try to make you feel guilty. Maybe I should just not tell you everything. Maybe some things really are better left unsaid. Maybe I should just not tell you some of the things I feel. I should just let you sleep when you're tired and try to deal with it myself. Obviously keeping you up tonight did me no good as it's 2:30 and I'm no closer to sleep than I was an hour ago.
Fuck.
I hate me. I really fucking do.
I hate leaning on you so much. I hate looking to you for answers. I hate that I have to do these things. I fucking hate me! Jesus!
No wonder I have issues remembering you love me. What the fuck is there to love? What the fuck do you get out of this relationship? The way I see it, I'm just making it worse. I sure as fuck don't make you happy.
God.... this is gonna make me suicidal. Fucking depressing as shit and getting nowhere.
Ugh.
If I stop writing I'll feel so much worse. Because there's still shit to say. But I don't know what and I don't know how to say it. Can you just crawl inside my mind please? Just see all the pictures and words whirling around and try to make sense of it? Please? It's kinda like a spiral. You'll like it.
You make me so goddamn happy so much of the time. I can't let you go. Even when you're pushing me away, I can't let go. I love you too damn much.
I should let tonight go though. I should just... try to live with the fact that... I'm not going to be here all the time. And I will hope to god that you still talk to me... And... not fall in love with someone else. Someone who can actually be around.
Maybe I should let you fool around online. What's the worst that happens? Other than forgetting about me and just deciding you don't need or want me at all, of course... God. I really have to loosen the reigns. You'll either love me and stay with me or you won't. Holding you with a death grip doesn't make it less likely that you'll slip through my fingers. Makes it more likely actually. I have been making progress with that. I thought I'd been doing better. I had been doing better. And I'm sure after tonight that wouldn't have changed. I wasn't going to change anything. I was just going to worry more probably. About this mystery girl. Who is a model. Whom you claim not to be attracted to. Just as Dominic did before he started dating that person two days after he left me.
Anyway....
Maybe you love me in a way that I can't understand... that's the only feasible reason I can think of for why you'd still be with me after all this shit.
I don't care about the girl. I don't. Whatever. Doesn't matter. She is irrelevant. Who she is is irrelevant. What matters is the fear beneath it. That is what needs to be addressed. That doesn't mean I'm not going to attach all of that to her again, but yeah. This is my moment of clarity when I realize she... in and of herself... is not the problem. My fears are the problem. She just brought them to the surface.
Sigh.
I really fucking hope you got something positive out of that. I really fucking hope you understand something a little more. I really hope you'd fight for me... I really hope you won't give up. And I really hope you know I love you.
I do love you. I love my fantasies of you and all that jazz but I love you. I don't want to change you. I just want to help you communicate better. I love you. That's the only difference between my fantasy you and the real you. Just so you know.
It's 2:45 now. I have to call you in 6 hours. So. I hope you're asleep by now. I hope you still love me, even though you didn't say it. I hope you don't hate me as much as I think you do.
I love you. Seriously.
P.S. I found this tonight. I thought it was kind of fitting.
close your eyes, make a wish.
If I had a dollar for every wish I'd ever made, I'd have a lot of dollars.
It's funny.
You sit there, and know it won't come true.
But deep down, you hope.
With all your might.
That maybe, magic does happen.
And our wishes will come true.
I don't know if it's a good thing that as kid's we're told magic happens.
It doesn't.
Not like in fairy tales.
Someone can't just wave a wand, and everything is ok.
You don't have a fairy-godmother that turns you into a princess.
And it's sad.
And to be honest, I feel let down.
I want to find a genie, a little elf, some magic dust.
Anything.
Saving those who cannot save themselves
3 years ago
