I think I’m starting to get it.
Responsibility. Relationships. They go hand-in-hand… but not to the extent that I’ve been taking it.
I’m so busy taking care of you that… well… several things happen.
- I don’t take care of me.
- I don’t take care of ‘us.’
- I fail at taking care of you anyway. You are a big boy and I am a big girl. Just because I choose to talk to you about almost everything I think and feel, doesn’t mean you will do the same or that you have to. Maybe I shouldn’t. That’s not the point. It’s like you say, I’m forcing it, so I’m fucking it. I’m “forcing” myself to take care of you (though it’s not really force… but yeah) so I’m fucking up taking care of you.
- I stress myself out.
- I stress you out. I don’t think you know what to do with me or how to handle it.
- I get so bogged down in responsibility that I hold it against you. I upset the balance. There’s no way you could ever equal it and you shouldn’t.
- It raises my expectations of you to a level that is unreachable which leads to more disappointment.
- I don’t have time to love you.
- I am not as honest, bluntly honest, as I should be.
- I don’t show you that I love you.
It does make it look like I just want to fix you and be the one that never left. I totally get why you think that. You’re right. I need to calm down. I need to stop being the mother you didn’t have. I can’t make up for your past. I can’t prove that not everyone wants to hurt you. I can’t prove anything. All I can do is love you to the best of my ability and see what happens. Your life is not my responsibility. It Is not my job to right any wrongs. NOT MY JOB. I have to stop trying to be perfect. I have to stop comparing myself to your exes. I have to stop being afraid I’ll be like everyone else. I have to truly be me. I have to JUST be me. Take the pressure off. NOT MY JOB. You are not a job. You are the opposite. I am not to treat you as another responsibility. I am to relax and enjoy my time with you, no matter how long that is. I am to trust you. I am to love you from the heart, not the brain. I am to care in healthy ways. I am to take care of me.
