Close Your Eyes, Make A Wish

I hate nights like tonight. I never know how they happen. I never remember why I'm so fucking depressed, why I'm crying my eyes out like there's no tomorrow. 

Side note, in response to the text I just received: I'm sorry that I interrupted your sleep to tell you I loved you and I'm sorry that I wanted... maybe even needed... to hear it back. I know you know the feeling, so I don't know why you'd be so surprised.

Anyway...

Since we can't seem to actually fucking converse, I'm going to tell you what happened with me and why I reacted the way I did here and I would like an actual response to this in the form of an email. Preferably tomorrow, but god forbid I make such demands. Besides, as you have made clear, tomorrow is going to be bad enough for you. I'm sure I'll be making it worse in plenty of ways throughout the day, so just respond as soon as you have the energy.

While I'm thinking about it, do you know what I was thinking while you were telling me about your day tomorrow? No, you don't. Because I didn't tell you. Because... well. It doesn't matter why, I'm telling you now. I was thinking that while you're out doing all of that, I'm going to be sitting at home thinking about how cruel it is that I have the morning and most of the day off and could actually sit and talk to you but you have a busy day and that's not going to happen. At all. We might get to talk in the morning for an hour but I doubt it. Because we will both be dealing with the residual shit from tonight and neither of us will want to bring it up because there won't be time. So it will be a lot of just sitting there, not actually talking. Then you will leave. We will text little, as you will be busy. You will start to text me more as you get to Suzie's and have nothing better to do but it won't be anything meaningful. I won't complain though. It will be nice to have something. Then, when you finally get home, I will be leaving for or will have already left for work. I will text you throughout my shift though it won't be much and you'll be tired anyway so you'll probably want to take advantage of the silence. By the time I get home from work it is likely that you will be asleep as you will probably sleep like shit tonight and thus will be very tired and will not want to stay up to talk to me. And I can't blame you. At all. It only makes sense. But I will get sad because I didn't get to talk to you and either suck it up and not show you that it bothers me so as to better take care of you, actually be ok with it, or say something that makes you feel horrible and stay up until I get home so we can have a miserable 5 minute conversation and go to bed.

That's why I was upset. That is the train of thought that followed after I remembered that I was supposed to be up there tomorrow. Seeing you. Being with you. Hugging you... So please, forgive my tears. They were actually founded. I think so anyway.

Now. As to when I got home tonight and what ensued.

You have told me that you can't be trusted. And then you get pissed when I show a sign of doubt. You have told me that you don't talk to new people because when you do, you are tempted to do things you shouldn't. And yet you get pissed when I consider the possibilities. How is this fair?

When I came home, I was happy. I was eager to share my joy with you and I knew it was going to be a great night. I was going to make you happy, we were going to have a nice, somewhat long conversation on the phone and we were going to go to bed blissfully happy. I guess my psychic powers were a little off. Instead, when I got home you were busy. Not only were you busy, but you were busy with a new girl who intrigued you enough that you could talk to her for seven hours. I felt completely and utterly replaced. Then I realized I should be happy that you found someone you could talk to. But I felt completely and utterly replaced. I felt like I no longer had any significant role in your life. Everything I do for you can be done by other people. 

As I was leaving for work today, I felt more horrible than you can possibly imagine. I felt like I didn't have time for you and I wanted to shoot myself for that. I always thought I would never be too busy for you. I still say that I will always make time for you. I text you from work and risk getting caught and written up because I love you and can't leave you alone all day. Except today you weren't even alone... If I hadn't texted you, you would have been fine. Fuck, I'm talking in circles. *breathes*

When I left I was hoping that you would talk to me when I got home or would actually send that email. I was hoping that I could redeem myself for not being able to stay. 

I don't even know how to explain everything that happened when I learned about this new person. It wasn't even so much that I thought you would cheat, as I said. That really wasn't what I was afraid of. It was just that... I already felt so bad... and then I was so happy and so ready to take care of you... only to find out that someone else already had. Someone else was filling your day and making you happy. So in a way, I snapped. No... not in a way... I did snap. Something snapped. I was gone. From then on, it was a battle. Everything was a battle. You gave up. I begged for reassurance and you preached to me about how it would do no good. Even though I was telling you it would. Your fight was gone. You couldn't even say anything. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in those instances. I don't know how to make you understand. 

My head is still spinning. This isn't what I wanted to say. This isn't coming out right.

Stop assuming. Stop thinking you know what I want even when I tell you different. Stop giving up. Stop deciding that you're going to lose before you even try.

I hate myself for telling you to stop. I feel like I'm giving you rules. 

Fuck. 

Now I want to give up. Now my fight is gone.

I think you're going to read this wrong. I think you're not going to understand. I think this might be hopeless... I think... I think.... I don't know what I think.

Sometimes it seems like the only thing that keeps us together is the fact that I'm so goddamn stubborn. Like you would just roll over and let it be done if I didn't stop you and force you to talk or something. It's depressing.

I don't like it.

I'm so tired...

I am running myself thin and I know it. I am trying to make you my number one priority but you won't allow it. I am trying to take care of you and you won't allow it. If I am not able to talk to you, you get depressed. When I try to move things around so that I will be able to talk to you, you act like I'm an idiot for doing that and that you don't want to talk. It's ridiculous. 

God, my head is still spinning. I know this isn't making sense. I know you're probably still not going to understand and even if you do you're going to think I acted stupidly and illogically and you will still be annoyed and maybe even hate me a little. Or a lot.

I don't try to make you feel guilty. Maybe I should just not tell you everything. Maybe some things really are better left unsaid. Maybe I should just not tell you some of the things I feel. I should just let you sleep when you're tired and try to deal with it myself. Obviously keeping you up tonight did me no good as it's 2:30 and I'm no closer to sleep than I was an hour ago.

Fuck.

I hate me. I really fucking do.

I hate leaning on you so much. I hate looking to you for answers. I hate that I have to do these things. I fucking hate me! Jesus!

No wonder I have issues remembering you love me. What the fuck is there to love? What the fuck do you get out of this relationship? The way I see it, I'm just making it worse. I sure as fuck don't make you happy.

God.... this is gonna make me suicidal. Fucking depressing as shit and getting nowhere.

Ugh.

If I stop writing I'll feel so much worse. Because there's still shit to say. But I don't know what and I don't know how to say it. Can you just crawl inside my mind please? Just see all the pictures and words whirling around and try to make sense of it? Please? It's kinda like a spiral. You'll like it.

You make me so goddamn happy so much of the time. I can't let you go. Even when you're pushing me away, I can't let go. I love you too damn much.

I should let tonight go though. I should just... try to live with the fact that... I'm not going to be here all the time. And I will hope to god that you still talk to me... And... not fall in love with someone else. Someone who can actually be around.


Maybe I should let you fool around online. What's the worst that happens? Other than forgetting about me and just deciding you don't need or want me at all, of course... God. I really have to loosen the reigns. You'll either love me and stay with me or you won't. Holding you with a death grip doesn't make it less likely that you'll slip through my fingers. Makes it more likely actually. I have been making progress with that. I thought I'd been doing better. I had been doing better. And I'm sure after tonight that wouldn't have changed. I wasn't going to change anything. I was just going to worry more probably. About this mystery girl. Who is a model. Whom you claim not to be attracted to. Just as Dominic did before he started dating that person two days after he left me.

Anyway....

Maybe you love me in a way that I can't understand... that's the only feasible reason I can think of for why you'd still be with me after all this shit.

I don't care about the girl. I don't. Whatever. Doesn't matter. She is irrelevant. Who she is is irrelevant. What matters is the fear beneath it. That is what needs to be addressed. That doesn't mean I'm not going to attach all of that to her again, but yeah. This is my moment of clarity when I realize she... in and of herself... is not the problem. My fears are the problem. She just brought them to the surface.

Sigh.

I really fucking hope you got something positive out of that. I really fucking hope you understand something a little more. I really hope you'd fight for me... I really hope you won't give up. And I really hope you know I love you.

I do love you. I love my fantasies of you and all that jazz but I love you. I don't want to change you. I just want to help you communicate better. I love you. That's the only difference between my fantasy you and the real you. Just so you know.

It's 2:45 now. I have to call you in 6 hours. So. I hope you're asleep by now. I hope you still love me, even though you didn't say it. I hope you don't hate me as much as I think you do.

I love you. Seriously.

P.S. I found this tonight. I thought it was kind of fitting.

close your eyes, make a wish.

If I had a dollar for every wish I'd ever made, I'd have a lot of dollars.
It's funny.
You sit there, and know it won't come true.
But deep down, you hope.
With all your might.
That maybe, magic does happen.
And our wishes will come true.

I don't know if it's a good thing that as kid's we're told magic happens.
It doesn't.
Not like in fairy tales.
Someone can't just wave a wand, and everything is ok.
You don't have a fairy-godmother that turns you into a princess.
And it's sad.
And to be honest, I feel let down.

I want to find a genie, a little elf, some magic dust.
Anything.

To Be Sent...... I Think.

Damaged, TLC

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

[BRIDGE]
And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

[CHORUS]

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care (And I care about you so much)
And I really really really want you (I really do want you)
And I think I'm kinda scared (But I'm scared with every touch)
Cos I don't want to lose you (Cos I don't want to lose you)
If you really really really care (If you care for me like you say)
Then maybe you can hang through (Then maybe you can hang through)
I hope you understand (I hope you understand)
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you, you)

My heart's at a low (low)
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love (I'm falling in love)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged (I think you should know that)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage (I'm so much to manage)
I think you should know that (I think you should know that)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged)
I'm falling in love (I love you so)
There's one disadvantage (I love you so)
I think you should know that I've been damaged

And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (Ooh I think you should know I've been damaged)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged baby)
I'm falling in love (Falling in love with you baby, yeah)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I feel sorry for you sometimes. I feel bad for letting you love me. I know that I am ridiculous at times. I know that I am in denial of this as well. I am a lot of things I always feared I would be… needy, clingy, and controlling topping the list. I know that sometimes it’s not so bad… but I know other times it’s gotta drive you nuts. I am sacrificing your comfort for mine. I wish I didn't feel so much better when I know what you're doing all the time. I wish I knew... what to do... how to fix it... I don't feel like I need to be fixed though. I thought I was past all that... I thought I was already fixed. And I sure as hell don't want you to fix me. I know you think that's your role in life... that you fix people and then they move on. I don't want you to think that with me. The thought of losing you is something that I literally can't think about for more than a few seconds. I tried tonight. Tears gathered within 3 seconds of imagining life without you. Perhaps that makes me weak, but it is the truth. I don't know if you understand how truly vulnerable I have made myself to you. I did something I told myself I would never do again... I built my life... my future around someone else. You. I opened up and became transparent to someone... something that I've never fully done with another person. Not even with someone who's paid to make me open up and be transparent. You know everything I can possibly tell you. That is a really big deal. If at any point you turned against me I would be destroyed.

Sometimes I get frustrated because I have my walls down where you're concerned and it seems that you still have yours up. Not all of them. I understand that. And I understand that you probably had a hell of a lot more walls than I did to begin with so I understand why you would still have some. Unfortunately, my understanding hasn't been enough. I am not patient... I haven't been very considerate either... And I definitely haven't been selfless. You have been so amazing and I am so comfortable telling you most things that... I think that's caused a problem. I expect that you would be the same way when it is not your personality to do so and so I overlook your wants and needs. In other words, I expect you to just tell me or to complain or talk to me or whatever when you're not getting something... like I do. And so when you don't I suppose I assume that that means everything is okay. I want you to know that I genuinely care about your wants and needs, your thoughts and feelings. Just because I don't ask, doesn't mean I don't care. I do. Please remember that. I will also try to remember that you are not me... you do not think the same way I do and I shouldn't act like you do.

I haven't had many serious relationships. Only one other than you really. So... I don't know what I'm doing. I don't really know what the future's going to be like... I don't know what I'm supposed to do a lot of the time. Even though I may not be able to fathom "forever," I know that I want it with you. 

I don't particularly know what my main point here is... 

I just... feel bad. For bitching. For not being considerate. Honestly... for not being good enough for you. Don't misunderstand, I do not think myself below you and I don't find you faultless... but I haven't been good enough to you or for you. I hope you know that I bitch because I feel that comfortable with you... that I think you will understand. It may not make sense... but I would never do that with someone I didn't trust. I've always just rolled over and taken anything I could get... the fact that I'm no longer doing that is actually good. I just think maybe I went a bit too far and now need to pull myself in.

I don't know how to fix the fears or paranoia. I just don't. I explained to you the other day about that. About the connections that are made in my mind and how it leads to these things. That is the best explanation I have. I don't know if it helps or not.

I trust you.

You are worthy of my trust. You will not do anything to break my trust or make me regret trusting you. You love me. 

I will figure it out. Or better... we will figure it out. Now that I have pinpointed my issues (with the mental connections) hopefully we'll be able to figure out something that helps. Or I will. It is not your responsibility after all.

I never want you to feel like you're on a leash again. I never want you to feel unappreciated again. I am sure it will happen... but I will start working on it again.

I love you.

Now. To the important bit.

What do you want from me? What would you like me to do or not do or stop doing or start doing? What do you need? How can I make your life better? What can I do to make you want to wake up in the morning? How are you? What is your mental health status? Emotional health status? Physical health status?

Please do not dismiss this. I do care. I do want to know. I really do. I am not just saying it.

I fear that I will become that person that fucks up and then does this apology thing just to draw you back in. I fear that is what you think. I hope this is not the case... I think I just need practice.

Not a Real Philosopher

So... I was fucking around on Fu tonight instead of doing something productive like writing my paper. I got the bright idea that I should rate someone's shit and get some points again. So I figured I'd go through Chris' again. It had been a while.

Meh.

He's had too many girlfriends. I found the profile of this one chick that he dated a few years ago through a photo comment that she left. Curiosity got the better of me and I had to click. Then I kept clicking. And kept clicking... *sigh* I don't know why I'm all sad about it... I guess I liked to think that I was the first person he seriously considered marrying.. even thought I knew I wasn't before this.. but whatever. But this chick. Sigh. Fuck. I can't explain. But it's just... her. Because I know the hell he went through when she left. Ok, not really, but I know the general idea. I met him about a year after that.

Meh.

I don't know. I should have stopped clicking. Curiosity killed the cat, y'know.

I need to keep typing. I need to get to the bottom of why I feel so... depressed because of this. I guess I feel like I don't really have him even though I have him.

I also got to thinking about what life will be like when I'm actually there. Like... how fucking weird is that gonna be, yo? Hell, I've never done this before. It's been a rough few weeks for us because of stress and such and usually I would have just fucking left... but for once... I'm here. I'm staying. I have to. For once... I really do trust him. Thoughts still run through my head... the fears are still there trying to take over... but I'm working on it. I trust him not to do anything that would hurt me. Not intentionally anyway.

I wonder if it would be better if I were there. I wonder if every time I think that I'm setting myself up for failure and disappointment.

Just... seeing her... knowing... what he felt... seeing things he said to her... seeing how much he loved her... seeing... god... it just looks like he loved her like he loves me. Ya know? I guess that's really it. It's not really jealousy if it's something in the past, is it? I don't know. They even had a wedding date... *sigh* I'm just... sad. And maybe I am jealous. Because I'm not there and even though we plan on getting married things aren't settled enough that we could possibly think of setting a date. All the practicalities are still up in the air. Maybe I'm just afraid that it's going to end before we get to that point. Maybe we'll get tired of waiting. Maybe ... maybe it's just not enough.

It might sound like I'm mad at him. I'm not. Not in the slightest actually... I just feel... hurt. For no good reason. Not like "he did something to hurt me" kind of thing... just... wounded... like a bruise... Maybe this is all a part of not feeling good enough. Just not being enough.

God, I feel like I'm all over the place.

No wonder I can't concentrate. My head is so fucking scattered I can't concentrate on anything.

I just... I love him. So much. There was a moment the other day where I thought... I thought he was leaving me... I can't even tell you what that did to me. I cracked into a million pieces on the inside.

I know I get jealous way too often and over things that I have no reason to be jealous over... I don't really know how to make that stop. I know that ties into not feeling like I'm enough. I feel bad that I'm not there. I feel bad that he's stuck being in love with me, someone who can't be there with him... for him. You can't help who you fall in love with and we're all victims of love, right? So he just can't help it. He doesn't have a choice. Get it? He's stuck. Yet somehow it doesn't work the other way around in my mind, lol. I guess I should work on that line of logic a little more. Because he can always leave... so there's really no stuck... except if he loves me then he can't. Sigh. I dunno. I'm thinking too much and getting all philosophical or some shit. This is why philosophers commit suicide. Good thing I'm just a fledgling.

Some Things Don't Need a Title.

I'm tired.

I am so fucking tired.

I'm not sleeping well again and as we all know, a lack of sleep just leads to lots of problems. I'm starting to feel it.

I hate going home. It puts me in a weird fucking head-space and it takes too long to get out of it. I'm probably going to be cranky for a couple of days and I'm not going to want to deal with anyone's shit. Seriously. You've been warned.

I'm also getting paranoid. About... a lot of things. I'm afraid it's a side effect of my medicine but I really fucking hope not. Then again, if it's not, then I'm just fucking nuts. I don't trust anyone. I just don't. I keep waiting for people to do something they're not supposed to... or told me they wouldn't. I'm convinced C doesn't want me. Why the fuck should he? I'm convinced he likes J and would have more fun with her, even if they wouldn't actually work as a couple. But maybe they would. Maybe he wants to know. I don't trust anything. Goddamnbitchmotherfucker. I'm scared. What's worse is that I know that if I can't fix this paranoia that I really am going to drive him away. He doesn't deserve this. And that just makes me more paranoid. Knowing what I'm doing... knowing that I'm going to drive him nuts... knowing he could just leave... knowing... just... knowing.

I motherfucking HATE going home. It fucks with my head. It puts me back into the frame of mind I was in when I was a teenager. Too many motherfucking memories. Too much shit. Maybe I do need the big city. Just so I can breathe... and then I can escape back here (here as in JC) when I need a break.

God... I'm so scared. I really am. I hate it. I hate thinking these thoughts. I hate not knowing how to fix it. I hate it all. I want to go back to normal. I can't keep begging for reassurance.

God.. I feel bipolar. My ups and downs today have been ridiculous. I've been flying high and sinking low. I dunno wtf is up. I just blame it on home.

I got my hair cut. It's cute.

Secret of the day. I want to go to my bathroom, cut my arm, and watch it bleed. I've never done that before. Not really. And I won't. But I want to. I was thinking about it earlier...

I miss C. I miss him so much. I wish I could drive up next weekend. I just wish I could hug him... I wish I could look into his eyes and I wish I could kiss him. It's been almost a month since our first kiss....

My mother wants me to fly out to Oregon in the summer and bring my sister and Katherine back. I'm still mad at her. I miss her.... but I'm mad at her... for leaving, for getting married, for getting pregnant... I'm just mad.

Gah. I just wanna go to bed. I want to curl up and cry and go to bed.

I can feel him getting tired of me. I can feel him starting to hate me... I can feel me starting to hate me. Is he tired of me yet? Has he realized I'm not worth the trouble? When will he? Next week? Next month? Seven years from now?

No one can love me forever. I'm just not that type of person.

I don't know why you think I'm great.

Today sucked.

C and I fought over the only 2 things we ever fight about and I cried. I'm trying so hard... but we're just not on the same page on these two issues apparently and I don't know what to do about it. One of them is at least mostly my fault because I don't trust him like I should. I'm trying so hard and I know that he would never do any of the things that my mind comes up with. I know this. I do. He's had a sketchy past but I know he's in this all the way. But god.... I can't fucking get past this shit. I expect people to fuck me over. I expect them to let me down. I expect them to do things they say you won't. I expect them to hate me. I really do. I don't know why he doesn't hate me, honestly. I freak the fuck out whenever he flirts with someone else. He's a flirt. I'm a flirt. We know this. It's just how it is. I can't fucking handle it. I should be able to. I don't know what's so incredibly wrong with me that I can't do this but I'm really not a fan. I'm just insecure and paranoid and I really just want to fucking trust him. He deserves it. He hasn't done anything, not really. He's been totally honest with me and put up with my constant paranoia and I just know he loves me and I know that he couldn't love anyone the way he loves me.

*sigh*

I hate being me sometimes. I really do.

Sometimes I AM a Girl.

I'm trapped in my room by a giant bug.

This bug may or may not be a cricket.

It was climbing on my wall.

*shudder*

I'm going to freak the fuck out if someone doesn't save me soon...

Don't you dare fucking laugh at me. If it were rational it wouldn't be a phobia.

It's a Two-Way Street

c: i have a weird love for you
c: like i don't want to live without you in mym life
c: like i'd rather be dead than without you
me: well that's weird. I have a very similar feeling toward you.
c: and it's kinda fucked up
c: and a part of me really doesn't like it
c: because... it's unnatural
me: I'm sorry.
c: it's out of my comfort zone
c: and it's scary
c: i trust you
c: i don't trust people

me: C...
me: I'm terrified.
c: of?
me: I just thought you should know that.
me: of all the bad things that could happen and make me lose you.
c: you're stuck with my fat ugly ass
me: I just don't want you to think you're alone in your fears....

..........................................................................................................................................................

It feels good to know that I'm not the only one who's afraid.

It also feels good to know that he cares enough to have those kinds of fears.

I'm still scared.... but I feel better.

Mild Freak-Out Time

Miss me? It's been a whole 2 minutes. I need to update.

I'm terrified... absolutely terrified. I'm scared that I'm just a placeholder. I'm scared that I'm going to show up and things aren't going to work out. I'm scared that he'll leave. I'm scared that he'll find someone else. I'm scared he wishes I were someone else. I'm scared he'll stay with me because he promised he would even though he'd rather be with someone else. I'm scared I'll never be enough. I'm scared. I'm really really scared.

I don't think any of that is going to happen but they all seem at least mildly plausible.

I'm scared he's going to get bored. I'm scared the stress of being physically apart is going to ruin it. I'm scared that when he sees me in person he's not going to want me anymore. I'm scared that when we kiss there won't be a spark. I'm scared that I won't be enough. ... I already said that. It bears repeating. I'm scared that it won't last. I'm scared that this is all just a fairytale. I'm scared that he doesn't really love me or that if he does it will go away. I'm scared I will drive him away. I'm scared that if he saw this list of fears he would freak out and leave. I'm scared that he won't understand. I'm scared I'll never understand. I'm scared.

I'm scared because I love him dearly. I'm scared because it's not official. I'm scared because we haven't met. I'm scared because everything seems like it can change in an instant.

I'm scared that he'll find someone better... or realize that someone he's already been with is better than me.

So far I haven't let any of these fears get to me and I'm certainly not reacting to any of them. I can't. They're just fears. They are based on my own insecurity and the uncertainties I have in this situation. At some point those insecurities and uncertainties will go away and I will be fine. Or... the worst case scenario.... my insecurities and uncertainties end up being based on solid ground.

Things he has told me that should make me feel better:
He loves me.
I'm the only one for him.
He wants to be with me forever. (I could be paraphrasing there but I think that's the gist of it.)
He will love me for all the rest of our days.
He wants us to be together.
There has been talk of children. (Somewhat jokingly most of the time but a few times seriously.)
There has been talk of marriage. (I kinda fucked that one up, I think, though.)

... I feel slightly better now. I don't feel quite as insane anyway.

I meet him in March. I can't wait. :)