Twisted Beauty

Rants, Raves, and Ridiculousness

I Got This.

From: http://www.shuckandjive.org/2010/03/church-without-god.html
By: John Shuck, Pastor at First Presbyterian Elizabethton

We are facing huge changes. Our universe is 13.7 billion years old as of the latest tally. Human beings have evolved as has every species on this beautiful blue ball. We were not placed in any garden by any divine being. No god/man came to Earth, walked on water, rose from the dead and sits on a heavenly throne. That is religious fiction. It is metaphor, story, myth, human invention. It is how our ancestors tried to find meaning. Bless their hearts.

We are still searching for meaning. It won't come for us in some imaginary heaven. It will come as we recognize that Earth is home and we have no more pressing religious duty than to care for our fellow Earthlings and for Earthlings who will come after us.

As we are in a period of transition we will wrestle with our inherited language. For some, the term "God" will have meaning. For others it will not. Religion is moving away from its supernaturalistic roots. "God" will be redefined accordingly. We are in the process of redefining meaning.

As the insights of Galileo and Darwin are finally making their way into popular consciousness, churches and religious institutions need intelligent, courageous leaders to provide the space for people to wrestle with the question of what it means to be a human being.

It could and likely will get ugly. Those who cling to their superstitions will be ruthless. There will be inquisitions. There will be heresy trials. I entered the ministry out of concern for truth as naive as that may sound. I discovered that truth was not the same as a supernaturalistic creed. The search and articulation of truth as I understand it is my integrity.

My advice for clergy and for laypeople who are growing out of a childish supernaturalistic past is to stand your ground. Don't let them set the terms or the rules. Don't resign. Be bold. Tell the truth. Don't call it a loss of faith. It is a growth in understanding. It is waking up from sleep. It is gaining sight from blindness. It is resurrection from death to life.

Happy Easter.

---------------------------------------------

A lot of you ask me why I go to church. The answer is that I found a church that holds the same or similar beliefs as I do. Or at least a church with people who support me and my belief system and are understanding of other views. There is no dogmatism. There is no closed-minded supernaturalism. My "religion" if you wish to call it that is to the world as it actually exists and to making this world an acceptable place to live. If you don't understand that, I'm sorry. If you think the church is "evil" I feel even sorrier for you and you probably just don't want to talk to me about it. You probably wouldn't come out feeling any better about the situation.

My beliefs have not changed. I am still, at best, agnostic but probably moreso atheist.

So no... you don't have to worry about me or my soul. I'm good. I got this. I have my truth.


That is all. :)

Mondays - They Aren't All Bad

Ok, dearies, we are ready to move on to Day Two of my trip to Indy. I know you're excited. :)

After our morning sexings, which I will not go into detail about because... well... it's none of your business and I have probably said too much about that already, and took our shower, yes, together ... Actually that deserves a little commenting. I had taken a shower with one other person in my life that was not a sibling. This was a wholly different experience, and no, I don't mean like that, you pervs. It was just... nice. It was fun actually. Other than the fact that he likes his water freakishly hot (;)) everything was just... yeah... fun... You may as well know that he looks epically cute in the shower. Like... seriously. It's one of the few times where we would just be standing there in front of each other talking and such. He's a little shorter than I and he has this way of just looking up at me with his eyes all wide and questioning (especially when he's doubting himself over something he definitely should not be questioning) and it seriously makes my heart melt. He would stand there, hands behind his back, looking up at me like that and I would just have to hug him. Apparently water makes everything awesomer and our slick, wet shower hugs were the greatest.

After the epicness of the shower, we made our way through the church traffic to Pizza Hut. Our first "eating out" experience. It was pretty much awesome. Then again, I thought all of our firsts were pretty much awesome... as were all the subsequent events, lol. While we were there a huge group of crazy Christians came in, fresh from church, and I had to seriously resist talking loudly about sex and such. I think I still may have slipped in a few comments but I don't think I embarrassed him too badly. :D Random fact. He eats pizza with a fork. Weirder, without even thinking about it, I ate my pizza with a fork. I used to do it all the time when I was younger (I literally had to teach myself how to just pick up a piece of pizza and eat it) and apparently being around him just brought back that side of me, lol. It was kinda cute. What's also awesome is that he didn't put any dead animals on the pizza. :D That is love, my friends.

From there, we made our way to Holliday Park (which I got to use my GPS to find :D). I loooooooove parks. He was mildly (and by mildly I mean not mildly at all) freaking out about some issue with his car that of course wasn't an issue at all. Silly boy. He should have just listened to me but whatever. :D

The park... was... GRAND! He had to go potty and that led us on an epic adventure because I, of course, just started walking toward the closest building ... or at least the first one I saw... and assumed there would be restrooms. He was all, "I've never been over here before. I don't think they have bathrooms." But of course I knew better and drug him along. :D Turns out that I was, of course, correct. But even better! Not only did this building have restrooms but it had like... actual exhibits and stuffs including some rather epic photography. We wandered about and discovered everything there was to discover there and found a path leading out of the back door. We followed one of the trails. After a few minutes walk (part of which was over wet stone... not so good for the accident prone, but I managed) we wound up at this... pond-like thing. For those of you who have seen The Labyrinth, imagine the Bog of Eternal Stench... just how it looked, not the smell. It was feckin' epic. There was a bench beside said Bog so we sat for a bit and just enjoyed the view and the company. Well... that and talked about how great it would be if the kids running about on the gnoll to our right would get a little too close to the edge and go tumbling down. =D Anywho. After that we walked some more and found an actual lake-type thing to stand and stare at. Yes, I really do actually like doing these things, lol. There were too many people around and they were closing in on us so we moved along rather quickly. Unfortunately around that point is started drizzling and I'm just not a fan of rain so we headed back up the trail. We won't talk about his smoker's lungs at this point, lol. Again... silly boy. By the time we had climbed back up the hill and such it had all but stopped with the rain so we wandered around the... ruins... for lack of a better word for a moment before heading back to the car.

Let's see... from there we wandered over to WalMart to pick up provisions for the week. It was weird... in a really awesome way that made me happy. We were having our first truly domestic experience... grocery shopping together. It seriously just made me giddy. I am that friggin' easy to please, lol. Same thing with unloading the groceries once we got home. It just made everything feel... real. We really were together and we really were working as a couple. [happy sigh] I can't even describe how well we work. Well... aside from both of us forgetting bowls, the way we make decisions is just... perfect. Seriously. He likes to consider all the options and I just go straight for what makes the most sense to me. You'd think that would result in clashing but it actually just balances us both I think. That's how it seems to me anyway. Not to mention stolen kisses in near empty aisles just put one of those goofy grins on my face. :D While we were at WalMart we both picked up a couple of movies. I got Iron Man and Star Trek and he got Robots and ALICE (the TV series). We also picked up coloring books and crayons. Yes. Coloring books and crayons. Because we both fucking love coloring, yo, lol. Apparently he's a crayon Nazi and Crayola's are the only acceptable crayons. *snicker* We ended up getting like 5 coloring books, lol. It gave me one of those giddy, child-like happies that I had found someone so freakin' perfect that he even shared my love of coloring.

Ok so anyway. When we finally made it home we put away the groceries and put on Robots and started the epic coloring extravaganza. Ok, so we only colored one picture each but those pictures were friggin' epic! I will have to upload pictures of our artwork. You will appreciate it. :D In case you are wondering, coloring in children's coloring books with the love of your life while watching a children's movie is one of the most awesome things ever. I consider it an epically amazing bonding experience that everyone should have. It's just plain fun! And what better way is there to show your love for someone than coloring them a pink and purple puppy?? I mean really... :P After Robots came Monster Squad (and snuggling and laughing, YAY!) and then the first two episodes of Pretender (with more snuggling, more yay!). Ok, well... the first episode and a half of Pretender, lol. We both fell asleep during the second episode and woke up some time later to turn it off. The rest of the night was spent snuggling and sleeping. Yes, actually sleeping. That night I slept better than I had in a month. It was like I died or something... I don't think I even moved. It was so massively amazing and I give Chris the credit. He really is an amazing bed partner... in all ways. ;)

My Memory is Fail

So.... my dearest Christopher so lovingly pointed out that my last blog recounting my adventures in Indy was horribly inaccurate. Ok, not horribly inaccurate but I forgot one of the best parts.

When we got back from Suzie's we did not go to bed. No. Not for quite a while. We walked in the door, I turned around, and I was in his arms with his lips on mine. I was a little hazy from the drinking (but not anywhere near drunk) so I was very relaxed and my mind was definitely in an off position (so if I mess this up again please feel free to correct me, love).

I remember his hands sliding around, his lips moving down my neck. I remember the whispered words, "Can I worship you?" "Yes!" I screamed in my mind but it came out as more of a groan. "Will you be my Goddess?" Another affirmative something from me.

I remember clothes being pushed away. Both mine and his.

We wound up on the bed. I don't remember how we got there. My body was almost shaking in anticipation and excitement... I don't know what I expected but what I got was better than anything I could have come up with.

He took his time. Dear God, how he took his time. He stayed away from the obvious pleasure spots but everywhere else was fair game and he attacked my senses with his mouth for the next God only knows how long. The feel of his tongue stroking and tapping against my skin is something I won't be forgetting any time soon. By the time he reached my arms he had barely begun and I was ready to fall apart. I knew I had some sensitive places... but he seemed to know them better than I. To say he drove me crazy is an understatement but anything else just seems fake. By the time he had me roll over I would have begged for him to... But no. He was having none of that. He spent just as much time on my back as he had my front. He made sure to find every sensitive area and noticed every time my reactions changed. He learned everything. No one had ever done something like that before. No one had been that... thorough. I thought that was something that you only read about it silly romance novels. Men don't have the patience for such things. Oh but he definitely did.

For those of you that know me... this next part will shock you beyond your wildest dreams. If you're still reading that is. Sorry, I suppose this is a bit graphic for the public sphere, but hey. It's not really for you, it's for me... and him... so you really don't have to read it.

Anyway. Back to the story. His mouth trailed down my legs. My extremely sensitive legs. If I hadn't orgasmed by now I was about to. Which of course was his goal. To make me cum without using his hands and without going for the obvious areas. As his mouth trailed lower I got nervous. I'm weird about my feet. People do not touch them and I do not touch other people's. That's how this has worked for the past 20 years or so. I didn't say anything though. I figured I would just see what happened and if I couldn't take it I would say something then. I couldn't take it. I couldn't even begin to take it, but not for the reasons that I had thought. We will just leave it at I discovered something new and I was damned happy to find out even if it is kind of uncomfortable to think about.

Actually... I think all of that happened before I turned over... but anyway. I have the events, my timeline just always gets messed up. Sorry. That's why I should have been writing this as I was there. Of course there was no time for such things. ;)

Anywho. It was around that point that my mind had shattered and I was pretty much a mass of sensation.

Whatever happened after that is fuzzy. But I know that that was one of the best, if not the best, experience I'd ever had.

But I really hope that I took care of him after all of that and I'm damning myself to hell that I can't remember. It's ok. Maybe he can save the day with his memory that actually works. =D

I, I, I, I, I, I, I..... God, I hate I.

I have cried at least once every day for the past week.

I think I'm depressed.

I know I'm depressed.

I don't really know why.

I mean, I know the C stuff... but... really? This is crazy. I'm moody and irritable and just... fucking sad.

I don't know how to fix it.

God, I feel selfish. I always talk about me.

God, I just hate me sometimes. I don't do enough for others. Even though I do. I don't give myself enough time taking care of me but I can't. Jesus fuck this makes no sense.

I'm losing it.

I won't tell you what I'm fantasizing about right now... You'll tell me to go back to therapy. I'm supposed to be over that. I'm supposed to be taking care of myself.

I'd like to just curl up in the fetal position and lie here. For hours. Days. I just am not in the mood for life anymore.

Nothing makes me feel better.

I tried doubling my meds today. It didn't help. I'm not surprised. I think I might get drunk....

**Edit: I might be drunk right now. A little. And it might be awesome. =D

Closet Poetry

A rambling poem-type thing that needs no title.

My soul feels empty
My heart feels full

I am lost within myself
I am lost in you

My throat burns
With tears unshed

My heart clings
To memories of you

My body aches
To be touched by you

My life is for you now
We cannot be apart

It's a scary thought
Made scarier because it's true

We are two
Who have made a whole

We are two
Who have filled the holes

Your heart is mine
And mine is yours

Take my body while you're at it
It only sings for you

Take my hand
Don't let go

Don't look down now
Never be afraid

We're flying high
We are the clouds and the stars and the sky

We'll fly with the rainbows and the sparrows
With the doves and the gulls

Our love will makes us infinite
Our love will makes us immortal

There is something in us now
That could never ever die

We will be gods
It'll be just you and me

The world will fade
But never will we

We will exist forever
In the love we have made

And forever shall it be true
That I love you.

The Meeting,

I don't want to forget a moment of my trip to Indy so I'm going to write down as much of it as I can remember now. Hopefully there won't be too many holes.

I got to Springfield around 10pm on Friday. Tiff and I talked and caught up for a few hours and then I laid down. I didn't actually sleep... I might have gotten a couple hours but I was back up by 5 am. It was really good to see her. She's been going through a rough time as of late and I liked being there for her, being able to physically give her a hug.

At 9 that morning Suzie texted me and asked if I was there yet. She and Brandy were already excited and waiting on me; they even called my hotel to see if I could check in early, lol. I gave them the title of creepy stalker friends for that move. Luckily, they at least somewhat understand my humor and didn't take it personally. :)

I left Springfield around noon and headed for Indy. The drive there was torture. I had barely been able to eat for days and I was thankful at that point, if anything had been in my system it surely would have come up, lol. I was texting him the whole way there and we were both getting ridiculously nervous.

I checked into the hotel at 2. As soon as I stepped foot in my room I was fine. The nerves were gone. I was there and everything was fine. I had actually made it and this was actually happening. I called my mother and told her that I had made it safely. My excitement was apparent. After I hung up I jumped into the shower and started the process of getting ready. I had no idea what to wear, lol. I had meant to bring a skirt to greet him at the door in but apparently had forgotten it. I settled on a pair of new jeans and a new, cute shirt. I looked pretty ok. My makeup didn't suck and my hair was behaving. Now I just had to wait.

It was probably another 20-30 minutes before he got there (I get ready fast, even for such important moments). I saw him pull into the parking lot from the window in my room. I smiled as soon as I saw his face and I knew that everything was going to be ok. He looked so cute. And I loved his car. :D A red Camaro. It's always been one of my favorites. He called me and I told him where to park and that I'd come down and get him. As I walked down the stairs my nerves picked up again but I think it was more excitement than anything. I pushed open the door, turned the corner, and there he was, just getting out of his car. When he looked at me his eyes were huge and he looked so frightened! I don't remember what I said... Probably "Hi." followed by some inane rambling about how it was nice to meet him. As I was walking over to his car he looked more and more scared. It was so cute. He had been working with his dad that day so he was in all his work clothes that make him look a lot bulkier than he is. He looked like a dwarf with his beard and the get-up. (Don't ever tell him I said that or I'll kill you!) I found it amazingly cute. He finally shut the door and I asked if I could give him a hug. He was still staring at me with that look on his face. He answered in some form of yes so I ran and threw my arms around his neck. Apparently I was a little too excited. I knocked his glasses all askew and nearly broke his nose. >.< I couldn't help it though! It had to be done!

Anyway. After that near catastrophe we headed upstairs to the room. He put his stuff down and I went and sat on one of the beds. We talked and bantered for a little bit and then he walked over, took my face between his hands and kissed me. It was amazing. I had butterflies in my stomach and when his lips touched mine everything was ok in the world. It sent a little zing through my system.. something I hadn't felt in a very, very long time. If I remember correctly, he pulled back slightly and that was the first time I got to look into his eyes as he told me he loved me.

After that he took his shower while I sat in the bathroom and talked to him. I'd never done that before but with him everything just seemed natural. It was weird in a comforting and amazing kind of way. Everything was just... right. There was no awkwardness, no getting used to each other, no sizing each other up. We just fit. Everything was just... perfect.

I left the bathroom to let him dry off and get dressed. He made it as far as his boxers before he came into the main bedroom and jumped on me while I was laying on the bed. (**Warning, this may get graphic. I'm not a fan of editing myself.)

More kissing.

Touching.

Clothes thrown aside, unneeded.

A bra that never quite made it off. A bra that I had bought just for him. A bra with matching panties that were quickly disposed of.

I remember the way his lips tasted, still wet from his shower.

I remember the feel of his hands running over my body for the first time.... the feel of his mouth on my flesh.

I remember the impatience with which I pushed down his single item of clothing. He didn't need those.

And then... he was inside of me for the first time ever.

I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say that it was amazing and I could not possibly have been happier or more satisfied.

The only negative was that we couldn't stay like that for the rest of the night. We had plans. His friends were expecting us. I'd met him an hour ago and I already had sex hair.

We managed to disentangle ourselves and get dressed. I'm pretty sure we were both glowing around that time. I know I was. I could see the happiness in his eyes. I'd kill to see that every day for the rest of my life.

We made it to Suzie's about an hour late after having to stop at two different stores so he could find the shirt he wanted. I swear... it was like we had been together forever. The way we talked to each other, the way we were together... You never would have guessed that I had just met this man a couple of hours ago. Natural doesn't even begin to cover it. We walked into Suzie's and she met us in the hallway. It was great to finally meet her. She gave me a hug and then Brandy did the same. I met Ron who isn't as scary as everyone said but definitely has more than a little streak of asshole running through him. After the debacle of getting my food (Suzie had made Chicken a la King, something I'd never had before, and apparently I did it wrong. How was I to know the biscuit was supposed to go on the bottom!?) we sat down and ate. It was pretty grand fun. I got to see him interact with his friends and they were all pretty amazing. Everyone was friendly and accepting and reminded me a lot of my own friends back home. We got along just fine. Nicole came in a little later. She didn't say much so I never got the chance to make fun of her or anything. I'm sure everyone was disappointed.

Shortly after dinner everyone started drinking which of course just made everything better. I started late so I wouldn't get too drunk but apparently I caught up pretty quick. We had cherry vodka mixed with lemonade. I was a fan. :D Chris was making a calendar for the baby shower that was the next day as I was sipping on my drink and talking to Brandy. When he came back he had Jager and a Red Bull. I don't know how anyone can drink that stuff (the Red Bull) but he somehow managed it. That was his last drink. He had to drive home and he said he was starting to feel it. He sat over on the little loveseat under the window and got me to come over and sit with him. By then I had had two or three drinks and was on the verge of drunkenness. I ended up laying with my head in his lap as he sent me texts with terribly naughty ideas. I don't know what time we left but I was mostly sober by then.

However, I can't quite remember if we went straight to bed or if there were more sexings once we got to the hotel. I'm pretty sure we just went to bed. I do remember that I didn't sleep much that night. Probably only a couple of hours. I think I was trying to adjust to having someone sleeping beside me. I'm kind of glad I didn't sleep much though, it let me see how he slept and it was so cute. Every time we would drift apart, he would come right back up behind me and hold me close. It made me feel loved and needed and wanted.

He also snores really cutely. :D He never snores for more than a minute and only a couple times through the night and it's all soft and adorable.... Geez... I never thought I'd be one of those people, lol.

But yes. It was amazing and I love him.

This is already a ridiculously long post so I will tell you about the rest of the week later. :)

I don't expect you to understand.

I wish I could explain to you what it makes me feel when I see you talk to her. It's very complicated for me. I don't know what to do. I know you like her... a lot. You guys even say you love each other, even if it's just in a friendly way. I know you're strongly attracted to her. We've discussed all of the above. It's not so much that I fear that you will leave me... it's more that I fear having only a piece of your heart. I fear that one day you will get caught up in the moment and then it will be too late. I could forgive you such things but it would be at a cost. I fear that I bore you... or that I will bore you. I fear that you will always need something new.

I'm fine with your friendship with her. Completely and utterly fine. Seriously. But every scrap of affection that passes between the two of you when I am not explicitly involved scares me. The thought of you two talking anywhere but Facebook terrifies me. Perhaps it is a control thing. I'm sure it is. Perhaps I just fail at trust. But I do hope you could understand why I feel the way I do. I already think I'm not enough. I already think that our relationship will get dull and you will look elsewhere.

*sigh* This sounds worse than I mean for it too.

I don't know how to make it clear. So I will try again.

I know that you aren't going to intentionally hurt me in any way. I know this as well as I know that I would never do the same to you. I know that you would not choose a relationship with anyone else over me, just as I know the same of me. I know that I love you and I know that you love me in the same way. I know that we are supposed to be together. Period. I know this. I feel this. I love this.

I fear that with time you will want someone else either because our relationship becomes stagnant, we go through a rough patch, or just because you need something new and exciting. I fear that I will not excite you. I fear that I will not be enough for you. I fear that something will happen that neither of us ever intended.

I fear that you will seek companionship that will lead to something more. Something that I can see very easily between you and she. I love that you are friends. I do... I just don't love everything else all the time. But you're such a good friend to her. And she to you. And you need more people in your life as I cannot always be available when you need someone no matter how hard I try. I fear that I will fail you and you will turn to her seeking comfort and in a state of weakness things will just.... happen. I am not attempting to doubt your self control or will or love for me or anything of the kind. I just know what kind of things can happen in those moments. It is possible.

I feel bad for thinking any of these things. I feel bad for not having a 100% trust in you. I do have hopes that you really will understand. I don't know that you will. But I do hope. And I hope that you won't just say that you love me and everything is going to be ok. I want to actually talk about it. I don't even know what I'd say...

I think perhaps I would be most comfortable if you two were more friendly and less... friendly. *sigh* I don't know. I feel that I'm beating a dead horse but yet I also feel that I haven't said what I actually need to say... but

I feel like our relationship will become too comfortable. That... you won't want woo me or anything anymore. That... I don't know. =/ That I won't be interesting anymore. That my appeal will diminish. And yet you will always love me. But you won't be excited about it. You'll just be here. We'll be sharing our lives together but there won't be any passion. We'll be roommates... who love each other and share affection but... sigh... Do you know what I mean?

Does anyone know what I mean?

Is this how relationships just are and I need to realize that? Am I simply being naive? Do I just not understand? Am I lost in my fantasy world again?

More importantly... if I am... do I want to leave?

I don't think I do. I'm not ready. I want to be on a cloud with you. I want everything to still be magical. I want to feel so deeply in love that my heart can't beat without you in it. I still have the fantasy that it will always be that way... even though it won't. But I can want it, can't I? Or am I just setting myself up for disappointment? I think I need to know the answers to these questions, even if I don't heed those answers.

I love you. More than anything. And I truly and honestly believe it will always be that way. I vow to you... to love you every day I live.

I hope this doesn't sound any kind of irrational. I really have thought it out... It really does make sense to me...

... We'll see.

Maybe one day you will even read this.

Maybe.

Stalkers