Some Things Don't Need a Title.

I'm tired.

I am so fucking tired.

I'm not sleeping well again and as we all know, a lack of sleep just leads to lots of problems. I'm starting to feel it.

I hate going home. It puts me in a weird fucking head-space and it takes too long to get out of it. I'm probably going to be cranky for a couple of days and I'm not going to want to deal with anyone's shit. Seriously. You've been warned.

I'm also getting paranoid. About... a lot of things. I'm afraid it's a side effect of my medicine but I really fucking hope not. Then again, if it's not, then I'm just fucking nuts. I don't trust anyone. I just don't. I keep waiting for people to do something they're not supposed to... or told me they wouldn't. I'm convinced C doesn't want me. Why the fuck should he? I'm convinced he likes J and would have more fun with her, even if they wouldn't actually work as a couple. But maybe they would. Maybe he wants to know. I don't trust anything. Goddamnbitchmotherfucker. I'm scared. What's worse is that I know that if I can't fix this paranoia that I really am going to drive him away. He doesn't deserve this. And that just makes me more paranoid. Knowing what I'm doing... knowing that I'm going to drive him nuts... knowing he could just leave... knowing... just... knowing.

I motherfucking HATE going home. It fucks with my head. It puts me back into the frame of mind I was in when I was a teenager. Too many motherfucking memories. Too much shit. Maybe I do need the big city. Just so I can breathe... and then I can escape back here (here as in JC) when I need a break.

God... I'm so scared. I really am. I hate it. I hate thinking these thoughts. I hate not knowing how to fix it. I hate it all. I want to go back to normal. I can't keep begging for reassurance.

God.. I feel bipolar. My ups and downs today have been ridiculous. I've been flying high and sinking low. I dunno wtf is up. I just blame it on home.

I got my hair cut. It's cute.

Secret of the day. I want to go to my bathroom, cut my arm, and watch it bleed. I've never done that before. Not really. And I won't. But I want to. I was thinking about it earlier...

I miss C. I miss him so much. I wish I could drive up next weekend. I just wish I could hug him... I wish I could look into his eyes and I wish I could kiss him. It's been almost a month since our first kiss....

My mother wants me to fly out to Oregon in the summer and bring my sister and Katherine back. I'm still mad at her. I miss her.... but I'm mad at her... for leaving, for getting married, for getting pregnant... I'm just mad.

Gah. I just wanna go to bed. I want to curl up and cry and go to bed.

I can feel him getting tired of me. I can feel him starting to hate me... I can feel me starting to hate me. Is he tired of me yet? Has he realized I'm not worth the trouble? When will he? Next week? Next month? Seven years from now?

No one can love me forever. I'm just not that type of person.

A Bad Day

Today was a bad day.

Memories came up that I never want to remember. I kind of want to do something violent. But I won't. I'll just cry instead. We all know how much that solves.

I miss the days when I never got sick. I miss feeling well. I miss taking for granted that I would wake up in the morning and my stomach wouldn't be killing me. I miss being able to eat whatever, whenever, and not have to worry about whether or not I was going to be in the bathroom for 20 minutes an hour later. I miss not looking at the nutritional labels, counting calories, and dividing and multiplying it all just to make sure I don't go off and die or something.

I think the moral of the story is that I'm angry. I'm angry at my health and I'm angry that things still affect me.

*sigh* I don't even know what else to say. I feel the need to rant and rave and throw things but I don't have the ability. I only really have the desire to just curl up in bed and cry for a good long while. Maybe I will.

Just Feelings. They Mean Nothing.

I'm always going to be the black sheep.
I'm always going to be the one no one can understand.
I'm always going to be the last to know.

I feel like I've lost my sister.
I feel like... I just feel like... crying.

I hate feeling so isolated.
I hate that I love someone I can't touch.
I hate... everything... and nothing.
I hate that I only have one person who is close enough to me to hug me when I need it.

I hate being alone.
I hate that no one thinks I can understand.
I hate that no one will tell me what's really going on.
I hate that I'm crying right now.

I hate that I love my family when they don't act like they love me back.
I hate that I still love the people who almost killed me.

I'm overreacting.
I don't care.
It hurts.
It's allowed to hurt and I'm going to let it.

I hate that everyone is getting closer and I'm getting shoved to the side.
I hate that their religious beliefs dictate their lives.
I hate.... I just hate. I hate it all.

But.....
I don't hate me.
And that's what matters.
I know that I am absolutely who I want to be.
I know that I am exactly what I need to be.

And we'll leave it at that.

I'm Sad.

My last FemSex class was tonight. =/ I'm really going to miss it. It was nice to have a place to go and get to talk to a group of women about everything that goes along with being a woman. It was nice to pretend they were my friends and that they cared as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure some of them did care, but I know they all didn't. I was really hoping that by the end of the class I would have become friends with a couple of these people. It didn't happen. I mean... I would still love to... but... yeah... I fail at making friends with people. I don't know how to do it. And no one approached me and asked if I wanted to hang or anything so yeah... whatever.

I did, however, suggest that we all get back together and make FemSex into a student organization so that we could all keep in touch. I'm going to do my best to make sure that happens next semester. Maybe there's still hope. Maybe.

I'm sad for other reasons as well. I haven't talked to anyone except C for a couple days now and while he's generally good company when he's not... he's REALLY not. Last night he was not. He got upset about something, not having anyone to talk to maybe, but then wouldn't talk about it. That drives me batty. It also made me sad because I knew he was sad but I couldn't help him. Anyway, when I went to bed I ended up writing some crappy poetry. I haven't put it on my computer yet but I will... sometime. I might even post it.

I also miss A. She doesn't seem too happy either and I haven't talked to her much in a couple days which is just really... unusual. I haven't seen her since.... Sunday? Saturday? I don't remember but it has really been too long. Life is just not complete without her. Which is probably bad... but... I'm not going to try to change that. I think she'll stick around, at least for a while.

/sigh

I just... I dunno. I need to work on my paper. I need to figure out what the hell my paper is going to be about. Anywho... 'til next time.

Lonelies

Y'know... I think it's kinda fucked up how alone I feel right now. I was there for them when they needed me and I think it's funny that they don't even know that I need them. I think it's funny that they can't see anything past what I directly tell them. I think it's fucked up that I would do anything within my power to lessen the pain of someone I loved and I certainly wouldn't let them be along. Or would I? Am I as blind as everyone else? Do I accept the masks of happiness or whatever and just go on my way?

I hope not but I'm afraid I have with one. It's like she just disappeared from my life and that's really not ok. I haven't really let it get to me or anything because up until now I haven't really felt the alone-ness. I've had the best friend to distract me from anything I didn't want to face but it was brought to my attention a little while ago that it's possible that I've just allowed someone who I used to consider to be my best friend to just slip away without even putting up a fight. I only have a week to rectify the situation but I intend to do so.

I'm also still in awe of how stupid I have been in regards to this one guy. I mean... wow. How many times will I go down that road? I have fallen for him at least three times now. This last time wasn't really so bad. At least now I'm aware of where I was going and that he was not on the same track. It stings but it doesn't really hurt... not right now anyway.

I do wish I could find someone to try a relationship with. I haven't had a relationship with someone who I was actually around in a long while. My past several people were all in a different state. *sigh* I hate sounding like every other girl. I hate sounding like I need a relationship to be complete or some shit and that's definitely not the case. I have been happily single for a while and now I'm just ready to try to have a serious relationship that isn't just about dicking around. I want to say "I love you." to someone and know that it's true. I don't throw that word around like a lot of people seem to; I only say it when I really feel that I'm in love. The last person that told me that he loved me never heard it back from me... It just wasn't the right fit and I knew it. I don't waste my time and I don't waste anyone else's time. I'm a straight to the point kind of person and I like that about myself. I don't talk in circles and I hate it when people do.

Anyway... I just feel alone, that's all. I don't really know who to reach out to anymore. I'm not sure where to turn so I guess that's when you turn inward and try to figure out what it is you need. I know that's what my counselor would say. I hate talking to myself. I hate knowing what I'm feeling. *sigh* I don't want to and I'm not going to. Not yet anyway.

That is all. :)