Look, I Accomplished Something!

Ok. So. I haven't been updating properly, I've just been throwing pieces of myself in here and that's not what I'm supposed to be doing with this. So. Here's me updating properly and attempting to be transparent even though I know there are things I'm going to not say that need to be said. But that's neither here nor there.

So. First things first. Next week I meet C. This means that the week in between will be pure and utter hell. I already can't eat, last night I slept maybe a couple of hours, and I'm worrying about EVERYTHING. I have decided to go and see one of my friends before getting to him and I really think that's going to help. Hopefully she'll be able to distract me so I don't go completely fucking insane. I should get there around 9pm Friday night and will leave around noon on Saturday to finish up the trip. I am nervous as hell. Seriously. I love this man more than I ever thought I could and I am in a more vulnerable position than I ever thought I'd be in. I know that's a good thing but I'm scared as hell. If things don't work out... I don't know what I'll do. I'm having flashbacks to last Spring Break when things seemed to be going so well and then the day I got home I found out that apparently I was the only one who thought so and things fell to pieces. I don't want that to happen again. Honestly, I think as long as I can have him in my life in some way it will be ok... but I really don't even want to contemplate what it would be like if he dropped out of my life completely. The only other time I've come close to feeling like this about another person is when I was with D. And even then we didn't fit nearly as well as C and I do. If we weren't made for each other then life sure is one hell of a coincidental ride. So this is me being positive and hopeful. Because I really think everything is going to be ok. It kinda has to be.

Next on the list. My sister moved to Oregon. The day before they moved the job in TN opened up so theoretically, if they had been a bit more patient, they could be back here. But no. Whatever. Maybe it will work out for them. I hope so, but I'm also rather pissed about it all. I miss her, dammit. I haven't seen her since August and I just fucking miss her. She's also going to be giving birth in a few months and with her that far away I really don't think I'm going to be able to be there for it. I've already missed her wedding, why must I miss the birth of my niece as well?? I know life isn't fair but I'm really not a fan.

Moving on. My grandmother is still in the hospital. She had to go to the emergency room a couple days ago and the only thing I've heard since then is that she's doing better and is back in either a regular hospital room or a nursing home. I will try to find out more tomorrow.

Today I hung out with two of my very best friends for a while and that helped me more than you can possibly imagine. I was so down in the dumps yesterday and this morning (thanks to a lack of sleep and doing poorly on a quiz) that I just really needed them. We (and by we I mean they >.<) made vegetarian nachos and they were absolutely fantastic. The only down side is that's all I ate today. Well. That and a Frosty but that hardly counts. Hopefully tomorrow I will find the motivation to clean my kitchen and make some turkey burgers. And maybe go to the store and pick up a bag of fries to go with. That would be nummy. But yes. The point. I love my friends dearly and they dug me out of my hole today exactly when I needed them. They rock like that.

I think that's about it really. No complaints, no major panicking, no freaking out. Life is good and I need to make sure I remember this more often. And hell, even if worse comes to worse and C hates me or it just doesn't work, I will press on and continue about saving the world... somehow... because that's just how I roll. :)

I don't know why you think I'm great.

Today sucked.

C and I fought over the only 2 things we ever fight about and I cried. I'm trying so hard... but we're just not on the same page on these two issues apparently and I don't know what to do about it. One of them is at least mostly my fault because I don't trust him like I should. I'm trying so hard and I know that he would never do any of the things that my mind comes up with. I know this. I do. He's had a sketchy past but I know he's in this all the way. But god.... I can't fucking get past this shit. I expect people to fuck me over. I expect them to let me down. I expect them to do things they say you won't. I expect them to hate me. I really do. I don't know why he doesn't hate me, honestly. I freak the fuck out whenever he flirts with someone else. He's a flirt. I'm a flirt. We know this. It's just how it is. I can't fucking handle it. I should be able to. I don't know what's so incredibly wrong with me that I can't do this but I'm really not a fan. I'm just insecure and paranoid and I really just want to fucking trust him. He deserves it. He hasn't done anything, not really. He's been totally honest with me and put up with my constant paranoia and I just know he loves me and I know that he couldn't love anyone the way he loves me.

*sigh*

I hate being me sometimes. I really do.

Unfinished

Sometimes I really wish I didn't like girls....

It makes me feel like my significant other is going to feel like he is not enough for me when that's not the case. I desire him above all others... but I can't make the fact that I like girls go away. There are days when I really really just want to be with a girl too.... and I don't know what to do with it. He says it doesn't bother him and I'm sure it doesn't.... but it sounds like I need more than he can give me when that's not really it... it's not like he can't please me and make me the happiest girl alive. He certainly can.

I just can't make it go away... and I don't know what the answer is.

To me cheating is cheating is cheating...

*to be continued*

Sometimes I AM a Girl.

I'm trapped in my room by a giant bug.

This bug may or may not be a cricket.

It was climbing on my wall.

*shudder*

I'm going to freak the fuck out if someone doesn't save me soon...

Don't you dare fucking laugh at me. If it were rational it wouldn't be a phobia.

Nice Timing, Asshat

Just got this...

Robert Jordan February 13 at 11:59pm Report

i hope your life got better.. i dont really think i need to talk to ya cause i know im pretty shitty life has been ok alot of dumb shit happened recently and i met somone online who looked like you so i thought id jsut say hope its all going well

I don't think I exactly hate him anymore... but I still despise him enough that the only reply I could come up with was "Life always gets better when you leave."

I figured it was better to remain silent.

/startblog

I feel... useless. Just totally useless. I haven't done anything of worth today. I haven't even really talked to anyone today. Not really anyway. I need to start getting out of my house and doing things that need to get done. I just hate going out alone. For anything. I hate going out period. I don't like people. I don't like driving through town. I don't like people.

God... I really hate me sometimes. I wish I could be as rational as I pretend to be.

Days like today remind me how alone I am. I have a total of one close friend here now. I find myself pathetic. I can't depend on anyone else to motivate me to do this shit. I need to just do it. But tomorrow will be the same. And so will the day after that. I'd rather just lay in bed all day... no... strike that. I hate wasting the day away. I despise it. That's what's making everything worse...

Meh. This post doesn't make sense. Big surprise. I'm just... I'm happy... But... I'm not happy at the same time. I'm not content. That's it; I'm happy but I'm not content. I'm not alone but I'm lonely as hell.

I just feel so... unimportant now. I'm not needed here...

/endblog

Emoticons Say It All

The plan now is to do a test on her legs in the mornings to see if she has any viable veins to use for the bypass. If not... well, they won't tell us what happens in that case. Assuming she does then she will have the double bypass and will also have surgery on her neck tomorrow.

I guess we'll see how it goes.

=/

:-S

:-(

The Things I Didn't Say - A Poem

Of all the people I never want to lose

You are on the top.

I really don’t think you ever knew

Exactly what you mean to me.

Do you remember that one day

That one terrible, awful day

The day you were there

When I was alone

The day you held my hand

The day you saw me when no one else did

The day I will always remember

The day I knew you loved me

I love you

I always loved you so very much

This is me hoping you can hold on

Pull through

I know you can

And I think you will

I hope you do

I’m not ready for a world without you

I don’t think world is ready to be without you

I don’t think you’re ready to leave

I don’t think I can let go

I don’t think I ever will

You’re special to me in a way no one else is or ever will be

You mean more to me than I ever let on or ever showed

I wish I had shown it

I wish you had felt it in your soul

Please don’t let my time be up

Please …

Don’t …

Go …

Android's Don't Cry

Gram's having a double bypass tomorrow. I found out maybe 20 minutes ago. They may also have to do surgery on her neck at the same time.

Information from online says it is likely that she will die in the next year.

I'll be back when I stop being a robot and have decided to deal with this.

Losing Sucks

The Colts lost.

I shouldn't be so upset about this... but I am. This is the first time I've ever *actually* given a shit about a team. It just sucks. Whatever.

I'm going to bed.

Understanding, I Don't Have It.

I just read a couple of blogs written by two female friends in my life, one of whom has been my best friend for years. They were both talking about their issues with weight and their constant struggle to lose more of it.

I don't understand. I really don't.

Neither of these women are fat. Both of these women are smaller than the average woman. Both of these women wear between a size 0 and a size 4. And I'm like... really? Are you fucking kidding me?

I mean... I get it. Every woman is subject to the pressures of the media and society (or their mothers), but there is simply no logic to either one of them. They both sit there and tell every other woman that she is beautiful and that it doesn't even matter what they weigh. Why doesn't that apply to you? What happened to "practice what you preach?" I honestly find it somewhat disgusting. It takes effort for me to not get sucked back down into a thought-line of "If that's what you think about yourself then you must be disgusted by me" because I am the one who is actually overweight. Can they not see the hypocrisy of it all?? It drives me up the wall.

Sure, I am also trying to lose weight but I'm not doing it because I want to look good, I am doing it because it is medically necessary and I'm doing it as healthily as I can manage.

The point is, I understand... but only up to a certain point. I can't understand obsession and I can't understand letting something like your weight define you as a person. I know that these women don't necessarily do that, but there are plenty that do. I don't understand how these wonderfully beautiful women can judge themselves so harshly and by the standards of a society that is constantly subjugating women and treating them as nothing more than objects. Why would you listen to that and let it affect you that deeply? I understand that most people don't think the way I do... and... I almost wish I could understand. Almost.

I don't know where my place is in this and I'm tired of being ignored so I'm just keeping my mouth shut. I don't know what else to do at this point. All I can do is live my life the way I think is best and maybe be a good role model.