Back to the Beginning

I can't... breathe...

Everything hurts... everything.... especially my heart... and my gut....

My cousin, the one whom I most relate to and the one who comes closest to really understanding me... She is friends with the man who ... destroyed what I was. My uncle. The man... I haven't seen him in a few years... the last time I did I had a panic attack... I was at work... I cried for an hour in the bathroom...

She's friends with him....

Why is he allowed in public? Shouldn't he be dead somewhere? I want him to be dead.

God, I thought I was past all this...

But no, I still hate him. His very presence on Earth still affects me. I'd still crumple if I saw him.

Why is she friends with him??? She said... she believed me... I thought... She's not like everyone else... but she is. Because she is weak. She's weak like they all are. I hate them. I still fucking hate them. None of them have the guts to do a goddamn thing. None of them love me enough to do a goddamn thing.

I want back in my hole. I need a safe space again. There is no safe space here.

I'm not as strong as I thought I was... Shit.

Back on Track

I've gotten out of the habit of posting regularly and that makes me a little sad. I like to pretend that it matters and it definitely helps.

School is off to a good start. I don't think I'm going to be as overwhelmed as I initially thought. They aren't assigning massive amounts of reading at one time and that's helpful. I already want to beat French over the head with a hammer though. Those fucking listening sections stress me out. Like.... whoa. Yeah. Social Justice is going to be extremely helpful I think. I've been floundering about my future career and yeah... I think this might help. At least it will keep me motivated. I am, however, getting a little sucked into the thought that there is too much to do and I'm not going to be able to put a dent into it... but I still have to try, right? Right?.... Yeah. I'm also taking History of Modern Philosophy (Honors Section, ouch). We're reading Descartes's Meditations right now. He's not as bad as I was afraid he would be but I'm not into the meat of it yet. Judgement suspended. Let's see... oh yes, the other class is Argumentation and Debate. It'll be a breeze really. I may end up chopping some heads off of people but I should have a solid A.

Stuff with C is going well. Yesterday was really rocky due to a huge freak-out on my part but we talked it out and I think the problem is solved. He listens and he doesn't ridicule, even when I'm being ridiculous. I'm going to marry him. Just sayin.

Other than that... I'm... ok. I can feel stress knocking at the door but it hasn't actually hit yet. I need to get my butt in gear and email potential speakers for this semester's Amnesty events. I might make the secretary do it... I'm more of a planner. I fail as a doer. We're having 4 lectures and a write-o-thon this semester. It's going to be epic awesome. We're doing some stuff with LGBT rights and Global Health. Pretty excited. We even had a couple new people show up to last week's meeting. It was very exciting. :)

Um.... I think that's it really. I'm trying to keep a cool head and not freak too much and not get stressed. So far so good. I'm even succeeding with not pouring out all my lovey-dovey feelings for C here. That kinda makes me happy... I refuse to lose myself in this relationship while at the same time committing myself totally and completely. I won't hide from him. I won't hide anything. I don't want him to hide anything. But I will always be me. Always. I won't change for anyone. More importantly, he doesn't want me to. I consider this a very good sign. We're going to make it. Just sayin. :)

Well. That is all folks. Tune in next time for more exciting (and by that I mean dull) updates!

One Step Forward

I just booked my hotel.

My hands are shaking and I am a wreck. I was hyperventilating a moment ago....

What if I go out there and it ruins everything? What if it just doesn't work?

There's so much you don't have to deal with over the internet... what if we don't mesh in person? What if it really is just imaginary?

I think I'm going to be sick......

The Plot To Kill My Father Continues

*shoots arrows of death and more death*

That motherfucking father of mine has managed to yet again make me hate the very air he breathes. He does not deserve air. He does not deserve life. I will not go into the lifetime of fucked-up-ness but trust me, he should die.

Instead we will talk only about his current dastardly deeds.

About 2 years ago he bought me a car. This is the first genuinely good, non-selfish act the bastard has ever done for me. No, I'm not exaggerating. When he gave me the car he said that he would take care of the insurance (it's a whole extra 20 bucks on his premium, whoopee), oil changes, and any maintenance that comes up. Basically, I just have to put gas in the tank. This offer is good as long as I'm in school. Cool. Awesome. Thanks, Dad!

Fast forward to 1 year ago. My tags are due. I call the father to let him know he "puts them in the mail" along with a check for $75 because I was broke. A month later I told him they never came. Apparently they were conveniently lost by the post office. Yeah. Ok. 8 months later, still no tags. Ok... ok... He still gave me a car. It's ok, he'll send them when he remembers.

9 months ago: I need a new insurance card. It's in the mail. Never got it. Fuck, Dad, you're not doing this to me again, are you?

6 months ago: I need a new starter. I'm literally stranded at a gas station, my car refusing to start. I call Daddy-O and he magically gets a mechanic to meet me over there at the dead of night, tap on my starter so I can at least get home. He (dad, not mechanic) tells me he'll find a starter and he'll drive down and put it on. Awesome! Thanks, Dad!! Can you also bring the tags and insurance card???

Two weeks later: Still no Dad. Still no starter. I pray every time I get in my car that it will start. I tell him I'm going to buy a starter and I'll find someone that can put it on. He says he's sorry and that he will just meet me in Nashville and give me a check the next week. At least that way it can't get lost in the mail, right? Right. So ok, Dad. Sure.

Dad disappears for a few months.

My cell phone apparently stops working at this point. He tries to call. He tries to leave me messages. Bullshit.

3 Months ago: Dad friends me on Facebook. We don't actually speak.

1 months ago: I send Dad a message on Facebook to let him know that I really do need all this shit and he's the only one who can take care of it. No response. *twitch twitch* Pissed.

2 weeks ago: Dad calls. He has surgery in a week and a half. I'll have my stuff by Feb. Money's tight and he's sorry. Ok, Dad. Sure. I can deal. Just get it to me by Feb.

Today: Dad buys a new sports car for his wife. WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?! I thought money was tight! I thought you didn't have time to do anything, Dad! I thought you couldn't afford the $25 replacement tags and the $250 for the starter. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

You know what? Fuck you, Dad. FUCK. YOU.

I Love You

I'm drunk. And happyish. Just thought you should know.

That is all.

Actual updates tomorrow.

Responsibility

When did I become the adult? When did I become the one for people to lean on? You want the truth?

I've always been that person. When I was no more than 5, I was put in the role of protecting my younger sister anytime we were visiting my father. "Take care of your sister, make sure she isn't left out." My father couldn't be trusted to do such menial things, so I did. Whatever. I understood. She was my sister, of course I would take care of her.

Things haven't changed. They've never changed. My mother comes to me for advice ranging from which job she should take (I was 14 for that one) to what she should do with her money (buy a car, save it, close her credit card, keep it open, whatever).

A friend just called. He called to talk to me because I told him I needed to about an hour ago. By the time he called I didn't really want to talk anymore so I just told him what was wrong and he went on to talk about his day and complain about whatever. This is a very normal occurrence. I'm used to not getting out what I need to get out. I'm used to no one understanding or wanting to talk. It's really not even that big of a deal.

My grandmother is back in the hospital. That's what was bothering me. Also, my mother told me they needed me to come home next week and take care of her. They think she will listen to me and let me take care of her like she's supposed to be doing with them. Apparently she stopped eating again. Her blood pressure spiked and stayed too high so that's why she's back in the hospital. I don't know how they can't get her to eat. I'm sure they just don't have the time, but sheesh. Anyway. The point. If I'm needed, I come. It doesn't matter if I want to, it doesn't matter if it's inconvenient, it just matters that I'm needed. Despite all of that, I feel terribly guilty because I don't want to go. Other than caring for her for a few days, there's absolutely nothing to do. I will be trapped in that house with nothing to amuse me but a book and whatever TV show she is blasting. Again, it doesn't matter. It is what has to be done and listening to my desires is selfish. I love my grandmother. She needs me. Simple as that. I may bitch and moan between now and then but I guarantee you I will get in that car on Sunday and I will drive the 4 hours to take care of her for 3 or 4 days and then I will turn around and drive back here to make it to the first day of class.

It's just... stressful. It's nothing but stressful. That and I will miss C. Yeah, fine, I can say it. I'm really that feckin' selfish. I will miss him and it will suck. Her house has virtually no cell service and no internet access. It will be difficult. I don't enjoy being home, ever, but the seclusion will get to me I think.

I hate that I'm upset and I hate... I don't know what I hate. I just know that I'm not at all happy about this and for several reasons. Judge me if you want, but I'm just speaking my truth.

I won't even get into anything else twirling around the fucked up thing they call my mind.

I'm going to read. Good night.

Bedtime

I love that it takes 15 minutes for us to say good night. ... every night. :) I know I'm in the honeymoon stage but I love it. I have to get back to reality soon and I'm going to cling to these days spent with him. I hope he does the same.

A Bad Day

Today was a bad day.

Memories came up that I never want to remember. I kind of want to do something violent. But I won't. I'll just cry instead. We all know how much that solves.

I miss the days when I never got sick. I miss feeling well. I miss taking for granted that I would wake up in the morning and my stomach wouldn't be killing me. I miss being able to eat whatever, whenever, and not have to worry about whether or not I was going to be in the bathroom for 20 minutes an hour later. I miss not looking at the nutritional labels, counting calories, and dividing and multiplying it all just to make sure I don't go off and die or something.

I think the moral of the story is that I'm angry. I'm angry at my health and I'm angry that things still affect me.

*sigh* I don't even know what else to say. I feel the need to rant and rave and throw things but I don't have the ability. I only really have the desire to just curl up in bed and cry for a good long while. Maybe I will.

It's a Two-Way Street

c: i have a weird love for you
c: like i don't want to live without you in mym life
c: like i'd rather be dead than without you
me: well that's weird. I have a very similar feeling toward you.
c: and it's kinda fucked up
c: and a part of me really doesn't like it
c: because... it's unnatural
me: I'm sorry.
c: it's out of my comfort zone
c: and it's scary
c: i trust you
c: i don't trust people

me: C...
me: I'm terrified.
c: of?
me: I just thought you should know that.
me: of all the bad things that could happen and make me lose you.
c: you're stuck with my fat ugly ass
me: I just don't want you to think you're alone in your fears....

..........................................................................................................................................................

It feels good to know that I'm not the only one who's afraid.

It also feels good to know that he cares enough to have those kinds of fears.

I'm still scared.... but I feel better.

Mild Freak-Out Time

Miss me? It's been a whole 2 minutes. I need to update.

I'm terrified... absolutely terrified. I'm scared that I'm just a placeholder. I'm scared that I'm going to show up and things aren't going to work out. I'm scared that he'll leave. I'm scared that he'll find someone else. I'm scared he wishes I were someone else. I'm scared he'll stay with me because he promised he would even though he'd rather be with someone else. I'm scared I'll never be enough. I'm scared. I'm really really scared.

I don't think any of that is going to happen but they all seem at least mildly plausible.

I'm scared he's going to get bored. I'm scared the stress of being physically apart is going to ruin it. I'm scared that when he sees me in person he's not going to want me anymore. I'm scared that when we kiss there won't be a spark. I'm scared that I won't be enough. ... I already said that. It bears repeating. I'm scared that it won't last. I'm scared that this is all just a fairytale. I'm scared that he doesn't really love me or that if he does it will go away. I'm scared I will drive him away. I'm scared that if he saw this list of fears he would freak out and leave. I'm scared that he won't understand. I'm scared I'll never understand. I'm scared.

I'm scared because I love him dearly. I'm scared because it's not official. I'm scared because we haven't met. I'm scared because everything seems like it can change in an instant.

I'm scared that he'll find someone better... or realize that someone he's already been with is better than me.

So far I haven't let any of these fears get to me and I'm certainly not reacting to any of them. I can't. They're just fears. They are based on my own insecurity and the uncertainties I have in this situation. At some point those insecurities and uncertainties will go away and I will be fine. Or... the worst case scenario.... my insecurities and uncertainties end up being based on solid ground.

Things he has told me that should make me feel better:
He loves me.
I'm the only one for him.
He wants to be with me forever. (I could be paraphrasing there but I think that's the gist of it.)
He will love me for all the rest of our days.
He wants us to be together.
There has been talk of children. (Somewhat jokingly most of the time but a few times seriously.)
There has been talk of marriage. (I kinda fucked that one up, I think, though.)

... I feel slightly better now. I don't feel quite as insane anyway.

I meet him in March. I can't wait. :)

Family

I'm getting to the point where I hate almost everyone who is related to me. My paternal family may as well not exist. They care about me almost as much as I care about them... but not quite. I'm even getting to the point that I don't want to talk to any of my half-sisters.


For example, one of them had the following status today: "So once again, I say SCREW you & your political correctness..-This messege brought to you by THIS Pro-LIFE, anti-homosexual marriage, Bible-believing, Jesus lovin', PRAYING, CHRISTIAN!..That is all.. :)"


Other than her religious and political beliefs we get along well but both of those categories are a big part of both of our lives and it makes it almost impossible to talk to her. In fact, I haven't talked to her in quite a while. I just can't stomach it. It kinda makes me sick.


I still get along well with my oldest half-sister but we never talk. Seriously. I mean, it's not that surprising, I didn't meet these people until 3 years ago, it's not like we're used to having each other around. I just think I'm to the point that I really don't care to try anymore. I don't want to feel guilty for not talking to people that I honestly only vaguely know and only care about because of common genetics. It seems rather pointless.


That sounds really harsh. I care about them. Of course I do. I just don't feel like they're family. I don't think that's so odd considering the situation.


Speaking of family....


Christmas went really well this year. Much better than last year's fiasco of terribleness. No one was avoiding me or not talking to me and yeah... it was just better. There were still a few comments made that made me bow my head and grit my teeth but I have a feeling that's always going to happen.


Anywho. I suppose that's about it for now. New Years was also good, in case you were wondering. I didn't get drunk and I didn't go to any parties. I stayed home with Alison, her son, and her infant godson. Other than the constant crying it was a really good night.


Until next time. *tips hat*










Ok, ok, I'm not really wearing a hat. Sue me.