Close Your Eyes, Make A Wish

I hate nights like tonight. I never know how they happen. I never remember why I'm so fucking depressed, why I'm crying my eyes out like there's no tomorrow. 

Side note, in response to the text I just received: I'm sorry that I interrupted your sleep to tell you I loved you and I'm sorry that I wanted... maybe even needed... to hear it back. I know you know the feeling, so I don't know why you'd be so surprised.

Anyway...

Since we can't seem to actually fucking converse, I'm going to tell you what happened with me and why I reacted the way I did here and I would like an actual response to this in the form of an email. Preferably tomorrow, but god forbid I make such demands. Besides, as you have made clear, tomorrow is going to be bad enough for you. I'm sure I'll be making it worse in plenty of ways throughout the day, so just respond as soon as you have the energy.

While I'm thinking about it, do you know what I was thinking while you were telling me about your day tomorrow? No, you don't. Because I didn't tell you. Because... well. It doesn't matter why, I'm telling you now. I was thinking that while you're out doing all of that, I'm going to be sitting at home thinking about how cruel it is that I have the morning and most of the day off and could actually sit and talk to you but you have a busy day and that's not going to happen. At all. We might get to talk in the morning for an hour but I doubt it. Because we will both be dealing with the residual shit from tonight and neither of us will want to bring it up because there won't be time. So it will be a lot of just sitting there, not actually talking. Then you will leave. We will text little, as you will be busy. You will start to text me more as you get to Suzie's and have nothing better to do but it won't be anything meaningful. I won't complain though. It will be nice to have something. Then, when you finally get home, I will be leaving for or will have already left for work. I will text you throughout my shift though it won't be much and you'll be tired anyway so you'll probably want to take advantage of the silence. By the time I get home from work it is likely that you will be asleep as you will probably sleep like shit tonight and thus will be very tired and will not want to stay up to talk to me. And I can't blame you. At all. It only makes sense. But I will get sad because I didn't get to talk to you and either suck it up and not show you that it bothers me so as to better take care of you, actually be ok with it, or say something that makes you feel horrible and stay up until I get home so we can have a miserable 5 minute conversation and go to bed.

That's why I was upset. That is the train of thought that followed after I remembered that I was supposed to be up there tomorrow. Seeing you. Being with you. Hugging you... So please, forgive my tears. They were actually founded. I think so anyway.

Now. As to when I got home tonight and what ensued.

You have told me that you can't be trusted. And then you get pissed when I show a sign of doubt. You have told me that you don't talk to new people because when you do, you are tempted to do things you shouldn't. And yet you get pissed when I consider the possibilities. How is this fair?

When I came home, I was happy. I was eager to share my joy with you and I knew it was going to be a great night. I was going to make you happy, we were going to have a nice, somewhat long conversation on the phone and we were going to go to bed blissfully happy. I guess my psychic powers were a little off. Instead, when I got home you were busy. Not only were you busy, but you were busy with a new girl who intrigued you enough that you could talk to her for seven hours. I felt completely and utterly replaced. Then I realized I should be happy that you found someone you could talk to. But I felt completely and utterly replaced. I felt like I no longer had any significant role in your life. Everything I do for you can be done by other people. 

As I was leaving for work today, I felt more horrible than you can possibly imagine. I felt like I didn't have time for you and I wanted to shoot myself for that. I always thought I would never be too busy for you. I still say that I will always make time for you. I text you from work and risk getting caught and written up because I love you and can't leave you alone all day. Except today you weren't even alone... If I hadn't texted you, you would have been fine. Fuck, I'm talking in circles. *breathes*

When I left I was hoping that you would talk to me when I got home or would actually send that email. I was hoping that I could redeem myself for not being able to stay. 

I don't even know how to explain everything that happened when I learned about this new person. It wasn't even so much that I thought you would cheat, as I said. That really wasn't what I was afraid of. It was just that... I already felt so bad... and then I was so happy and so ready to take care of you... only to find out that someone else already had. Someone else was filling your day and making you happy. So in a way, I snapped. No... not in a way... I did snap. Something snapped. I was gone. From then on, it was a battle. Everything was a battle. You gave up. I begged for reassurance and you preached to me about how it would do no good. Even though I was telling you it would. Your fight was gone. You couldn't even say anything. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in those instances. I don't know how to make you understand. 

My head is still spinning. This isn't what I wanted to say. This isn't coming out right.

Stop assuming. Stop thinking you know what I want even when I tell you different. Stop giving up. Stop deciding that you're going to lose before you even try.

I hate myself for telling you to stop. I feel like I'm giving you rules. 

Fuck. 

Now I want to give up. Now my fight is gone.

I think you're going to read this wrong. I think you're not going to understand. I think this might be hopeless... I think... I think.... I don't know what I think.

Sometimes it seems like the only thing that keeps us together is the fact that I'm so goddamn stubborn. Like you would just roll over and let it be done if I didn't stop you and force you to talk or something. It's depressing.

I don't like it.

I'm so tired...

I am running myself thin and I know it. I am trying to make you my number one priority but you won't allow it. I am trying to take care of you and you won't allow it. If I am not able to talk to you, you get depressed. When I try to move things around so that I will be able to talk to you, you act like I'm an idiot for doing that and that you don't want to talk. It's ridiculous. 

God, my head is still spinning. I know this isn't making sense. I know you're probably still not going to understand and even if you do you're going to think I acted stupidly and illogically and you will still be annoyed and maybe even hate me a little. Or a lot.

I don't try to make you feel guilty. Maybe I should just not tell you everything. Maybe some things really are better left unsaid. Maybe I should just not tell you some of the things I feel. I should just let you sleep when you're tired and try to deal with it myself. Obviously keeping you up tonight did me no good as it's 2:30 and I'm no closer to sleep than I was an hour ago.

Fuck.

I hate me. I really fucking do.

I hate leaning on you so much. I hate looking to you for answers. I hate that I have to do these things. I fucking hate me! Jesus!

No wonder I have issues remembering you love me. What the fuck is there to love? What the fuck do you get out of this relationship? The way I see it, I'm just making it worse. I sure as fuck don't make you happy.

God.... this is gonna make me suicidal. Fucking depressing as shit and getting nowhere.

Ugh.

If I stop writing I'll feel so much worse. Because there's still shit to say. But I don't know what and I don't know how to say it. Can you just crawl inside my mind please? Just see all the pictures and words whirling around and try to make sense of it? Please? It's kinda like a spiral. You'll like it.

You make me so goddamn happy so much of the time. I can't let you go. Even when you're pushing me away, I can't let go. I love you too damn much.

I should let tonight go though. I should just... try to live with the fact that... I'm not going to be here all the time. And I will hope to god that you still talk to me... And... not fall in love with someone else. Someone who can actually be around.


Maybe I should let you fool around online. What's the worst that happens? Other than forgetting about me and just deciding you don't need or want me at all, of course... God. I really have to loosen the reigns. You'll either love me and stay with me or you won't. Holding you with a death grip doesn't make it less likely that you'll slip through my fingers. Makes it more likely actually. I have been making progress with that. I thought I'd been doing better. I had been doing better. And I'm sure after tonight that wouldn't have changed. I wasn't going to change anything. I was just going to worry more probably. About this mystery girl. Who is a model. Whom you claim not to be attracted to. Just as Dominic did before he started dating that person two days after he left me.

Anyway....

Maybe you love me in a way that I can't understand... that's the only feasible reason I can think of for why you'd still be with me after all this shit.

I don't care about the girl. I don't. Whatever. Doesn't matter. She is irrelevant. Who she is is irrelevant. What matters is the fear beneath it. That is what needs to be addressed. That doesn't mean I'm not going to attach all of that to her again, but yeah. This is my moment of clarity when I realize she... in and of herself... is not the problem. My fears are the problem. She just brought them to the surface.

Sigh.

I really fucking hope you got something positive out of that. I really fucking hope you understand something a little more. I really hope you'd fight for me... I really hope you won't give up. And I really hope you know I love you.

I do love you. I love my fantasies of you and all that jazz but I love you. I don't want to change you. I just want to help you communicate better. I love you. That's the only difference between my fantasy you and the real you. Just so you know.

It's 2:45 now. I have to call you in 6 hours. So. I hope you're asleep by now. I hope you still love me, even though you didn't say it. I hope you don't hate me as much as I think you do.

I love you. Seriously.

P.S. I found this tonight. I thought it was kind of fitting.

close your eyes, make a wish.

If I had a dollar for every wish I'd ever made, I'd have a lot of dollars.
It's funny.
You sit there, and know it won't come true.
But deep down, you hope.
With all your might.
That maybe, magic does happen.
And our wishes will come true.

I don't know if it's a good thing that as kid's we're told magic happens.
It doesn't.
Not like in fairy tales.
Someone can't just wave a wand, and everything is ok.
You don't have a fairy-godmother that turns you into a princess.
And it's sad.
And to be honest, I feel let down.

I want to find a genie, a little elf, some magic dust.
Anything.

Not a Real Philosopher

So... I was fucking around on Fu tonight instead of doing something productive like writing my paper. I got the bright idea that I should rate someone's shit and get some points again. So I figured I'd go through Chris' again. It had been a while.

Meh.

He's had too many girlfriends. I found the profile of this one chick that he dated a few years ago through a photo comment that she left. Curiosity got the better of me and I had to click. Then I kept clicking. And kept clicking... *sigh* I don't know why I'm all sad about it... I guess I liked to think that I was the first person he seriously considered marrying.. even thought I knew I wasn't before this.. but whatever. But this chick. Sigh. Fuck. I can't explain. But it's just... her. Because I know the hell he went through when she left. Ok, not really, but I know the general idea. I met him about a year after that.

Meh.

I don't know. I should have stopped clicking. Curiosity killed the cat, y'know.

I need to keep typing. I need to get to the bottom of why I feel so... depressed because of this. I guess I feel like I don't really have him even though I have him.

I also got to thinking about what life will be like when I'm actually there. Like... how fucking weird is that gonna be, yo? Hell, I've never done this before. It's been a rough few weeks for us because of stress and such and usually I would have just fucking left... but for once... I'm here. I'm staying. I have to. For once... I really do trust him. Thoughts still run through my head... the fears are still there trying to take over... but I'm working on it. I trust him not to do anything that would hurt me. Not intentionally anyway.

I wonder if it would be better if I were there. I wonder if every time I think that I'm setting myself up for failure and disappointment.

Just... seeing her... knowing... what he felt... seeing things he said to her... seeing how much he loved her... seeing... god... it just looks like he loved her like he loves me. Ya know? I guess that's really it. It's not really jealousy if it's something in the past, is it? I don't know. They even had a wedding date... *sigh* I'm just... sad. And maybe I am jealous. Because I'm not there and even though we plan on getting married things aren't settled enough that we could possibly think of setting a date. All the practicalities are still up in the air. Maybe I'm just afraid that it's going to end before we get to that point. Maybe we'll get tired of waiting. Maybe ... maybe it's just not enough.

It might sound like I'm mad at him. I'm not. Not in the slightest actually... I just feel... hurt. For no good reason. Not like "he did something to hurt me" kind of thing... just... wounded... like a bruise... Maybe this is all a part of not feeling good enough. Just not being enough.

God, I feel like I'm all over the place.

No wonder I can't concentrate. My head is so fucking scattered I can't concentrate on anything.

I just... I love him. So much. There was a moment the other day where I thought... I thought he was leaving me... I can't even tell you what that did to me. I cracked into a million pieces on the inside.

I know I get jealous way too often and over things that I have no reason to be jealous over... I don't really know how to make that stop. I know that ties into not feeling like I'm enough. I feel bad that I'm not there. I feel bad that he's stuck being in love with me, someone who can't be there with him... for him. You can't help who you fall in love with and we're all victims of love, right? So he just can't help it. He doesn't have a choice. Get it? He's stuck. Yet somehow it doesn't work the other way around in my mind, lol. I guess I should work on that line of logic a little more. Because he can always leave... so there's really no stuck... except if he loves me then he can't. Sigh. I dunno. I'm thinking too much and getting all philosophical or some shit. This is why philosophers commit suicide. Good thing I'm just a fledgling.

Some Things Don't Need a Title.

I'm tired.

I am so fucking tired.

I'm not sleeping well again and as we all know, a lack of sleep just leads to lots of problems. I'm starting to feel it.

I hate going home. It puts me in a weird fucking head-space and it takes too long to get out of it. I'm probably going to be cranky for a couple of days and I'm not going to want to deal with anyone's shit. Seriously. You've been warned.

I'm also getting paranoid. About... a lot of things. I'm afraid it's a side effect of my medicine but I really fucking hope not. Then again, if it's not, then I'm just fucking nuts. I don't trust anyone. I just don't. I keep waiting for people to do something they're not supposed to... or told me they wouldn't. I'm convinced C doesn't want me. Why the fuck should he? I'm convinced he likes J and would have more fun with her, even if they wouldn't actually work as a couple. But maybe they would. Maybe he wants to know. I don't trust anything. Goddamnbitchmotherfucker. I'm scared. What's worse is that I know that if I can't fix this paranoia that I really am going to drive him away. He doesn't deserve this. And that just makes me more paranoid. Knowing what I'm doing... knowing that I'm going to drive him nuts... knowing he could just leave... knowing... just... knowing.

I motherfucking HATE going home. It fucks with my head. It puts me back into the frame of mind I was in when I was a teenager. Too many motherfucking memories. Too much shit. Maybe I do need the big city. Just so I can breathe... and then I can escape back here (here as in JC) when I need a break.

God... I'm so scared. I really am. I hate it. I hate thinking these thoughts. I hate not knowing how to fix it. I hate it all. I want to go back to normal. I can't keep begging for reassurance.

God.. I feel bipolar. My ups and downs today have been ridiculous. I've been flying high and sinking low. I dunno wtf is up. I just blame it on home.

I got my hair cut. It's cute.

Secret of the day. I want to go to my bathroom, cut my arm, and watch it bleed. I've never done that before. Not really. And I won't. But I want to. I was thinking about it earlier...

I miss C. I miss him so much. I wish I could drive up next weekend. I just wish I could hug him... I wish I could look into his eyes and I wish I could kiss him. It's been almost a month since our first kiss....

My mother wants me to fly out to Oregon in the summer and bring my sister and Katherine back. I'm still mad at her. I miss her.... but I'm mad at her... for leaving, for getting married, for getting pregnant... I'm just mad.

Gah. I just wanna go to bed. I want to curl up and cry and go to bed.

I can feel him getting tired of me. I can feel him starting to hate me... I can feel me starting to hate me. Is he tired of me yet? Has he realized I'm not worth the trouble? When will he? Next week? Next month? Seven years from now?

No one can love me forever. I'm just not that type of person.

I don't know why you think I'm great.

Today sucked.

C and I fought over the only 2 things we ever fight about and I cried. I'm trying so hard... but we're just not on the same page on these two issues apparently and I don't know what to do about it. One of them is at least mostly my fault because I don't trust him like I should. I'm trying so hard and I know that he would never do any of the things that my mind comes up with. I know this. I do. He's had a sketchy past but I know he's in this all the way. But god.... I can't fucking get past this shit. I expect people to fuck me over. I expect them to let me down. I expect them to do things they say you won't. I expect them to hate me. I really do. I don't know why he doesn't hate me, honestly. I freak the fuck out whenever he flirts with someone else. He's a flirt. I'm a flirt. We know this. It's just how it is. I can't fucking handle it. I should be able to. I don't know what's so incredibly wrong with me that I can't do this but I'm really not a fan. I'm just insecure and paranoid and I really just want to fucking trust him. He deserves it. He hasn't done anything, not really. He's been totally honest with me and put up with my constant paranoia and I just know he loves me and I know that he couldn't love anyone the way he loves me.

*sigh*

I hate being me sometimes. I really do.

Sometimes I AM a Girl.

I'm trapped in my room by a giant bug.

This bug may or may not be a cricket.

It was climbing on my wall.

*shudder*

I'm going to freak the fuck out if someone doesn't save me soon...

Don't you dare fucking laugh at me. If it were rational it wouldn't be a phobia.

Losing Sucks

The Colts lost.

I shouldn't be so upset about this... but I am. This is the first time I've ever *actually* given a shit about a team. It just sucks. Whatever.

I'm going to bed.

Understanding, I Don't Have It.

I just read a couple of blogs written by two female friends in my life, one of whom has been my best friend for years. They were both talking about their issues with weight and their constant struggle to lose more of it.

I don't understand. I really don't.

Neither of these women are fat. Both of these women are smaller than the average woman. Both of these women wear between a size 0 and a size 4. And I'm like... really? Are you fucking kidding me?

I mean... I get it. Every woman is subject to the pressures of the media and society (or their mothers), but there is simply no logic to either one of them. They both sit there and tell every other woman that she is beautiful and that it doesn't even matter what they weigh. Why doesn't that apply to you? What happened to "practice what you preach?" I honestly find it somewhat disgusting. It takes effort for me to not get sucked back down into a thought-line of "If that's what you think about yourself then you must be disgusted by me" because I am the one who is actually overweight. Can they not see the hypocrisy of it all?? It drives me up the wall.

Sure, I am also trying to lose weight but I'm not doing it because I want to look good, I am doing it because it is medically necessary and I'm doing it as healthily as I can manage.

The point is, I understand... but only up to a certain point. I can't understand obsession and I can't understand letting something like your weight define you as a person. I know that these women don't necessarily do that, but there are plenty that do. I don't understand how these wonderfully beautiful women can judge themselves so harshly and by the standards of a society that is constantly subjugating women and treating them as nothing more than objects. Why would you listen to that and let it affect you that deeply? I understand that most people don't think the way I do... and... I almost wish I could understand. Almost.

I don't know where my place is in this and I'm tired of being ignored so I'm just keeping my mouth shut. I don't know what else to do at this point. All I can do is live my life the way I think is best and maybe be a good role model.