Some Things Don't Need a Title.

I'm tired.

I am so fucking tired.

I'm not sleeping well again and as we all know, a lack of sleep just leads to lots of problems. I'm starting to feel it.

I hate going home. It puts me in a weird fucking head-space and it takes too long to get out of it. I'm probably going to be cranky for a couple of days and I'm not going to want to deal with anyone's shit. Seriously. You've been warned.

I'm also getting paranoid. About... a lot of things. I'm afraid it's a side effect of my medicine but I really fucking hope not. Then again, if it's not, then I'm just fucking nuts. I don't trust anyone. I just don't. I keep waiting for people to do something they're not supposed to... or told me they wouldn't. I'm convinced C doesn't want me. Why the fuck should he? I'm convinced he likes J and would have more fun with her, even if they wouldn't actually work as a couple. But maybe they would. Maybe he wants to know. I don't trust anything. Goddamnbitchmotherfucker. I'm scared. What's worse is that I know that if I can't fix this paranoia that I really am going to drive him away. He doesn't deserve this. And that just makes me more paranoid. Knowing what I'm doing... knowing that I'm going to drive him nuts... knowing he could just leave... knowing... just... knowing.

I motherfucking HATE going home. It fucks with my head. It puts me back into the frame of mind I was in when I was a teenager. Too many motherfucking memories. Too much shit. Maybe I do need the big city. Just so I can breathe... and then I can escape back here (here as in JC) when I need a break.

God... I'm so scared. I really am. I hate it. I hate thinking these thoughts. I hate not knowing how to fix it. I hate it all. I want to go back to normal. I can't keep begging for reassurance.

God.. I feel bipolar. My ups and downs today have been ridiculous. I've been flying high and sinking low. I dunno wtf is up. I just blame it on home.

I got my hair cut. It's cute.

Secret of the day. I want to go to my bathroom, cut my arm, and watch it bleed. I've never done that before. Not really. And I won't. But I want to. I was thinking about it earlier...

I miss C. I miss him so much. I wish I could drive up next weekend. I just wish I could hug him... I wish I could look into his eyes and I wish I could kiss him. It's been almost a month since our first kiss....

My mother wants me to fly out to Oregon in the summer and bring my sister and Katherine back. I'm still mad at her. I miss her.... but I'm mad at her... for leaving, for getting married, for getting pregnant... I'm just mad.

Gah. I just wanna go to bed. I want to curl up and cry and go to bed.

I can feel him getting tired of me. I can feel him starting to hate me... I can feel me starting to hate me. Is he tired of me yet? Has he realized I'm not worth the trouble? When will he? Next week? Next month? Seven years from now?

No one can love me forever. I'm just not that type of person.