Look, I Accomplished Something!

Ok. So. I haven't been updating properly, I've just been throwing pieces of myself in here and that's not what I'm supposed to be doing with this. So. Here's me updating properly and attempting to be transparent even though I know there are things I'm going to not say that need to be said. But that's neither here nor there.

So. First things first. Next week I meet C. This means that the week in between will be pure and utter hell. I already can't eat, last night I slept maybe a couple of hours, and I'm worrying about EVERYTHING. I have decided to go and see one of my friends before getting to him and I really think that's going to help. Hopefully she'll be able to distract me so I don't go completely fucking insane. I should get there around 9pm Friday night and will leave around noon on Saturday to finish up the trip. I am nervous as hell. Seriously. I love this man more than I ever thought I could and I am in a more vulnerable position than I ever thought I'd be in. I know that's a good thing but I'm scared as hell. If things don't work out... I don't know what I'll do. I'm having flashbacks to last Spring Break when things seemed to be going so well and then the day I got home I found out that apparently I was the only one who thought so and things fell to pieces. I don't want that to happen again. Honestly, I think as long as I can have him in my life in some way it will be ok... but I really don't even want to contemplate what it would be like if he dropped out of my life completely. The only other time I've come close to feeling like this about another person is when I was with D. And even then we didn't fit nearly as well as C and I do. If we weren't made for each other then life sure is one hell of a coincidental ride. So this is me being positive and hopeful. Because I really think everything is going to be ok. It kinda has to be.

Next on the list. My sister moved to Oregon. The day before they moved the job in TN opened up so theoretically, if they had been a bit more patient, they could be back here. But no. Whatever. Maybe it will work out for them. I hope so, but I'm also rather pissed about it all. I miss her, dammit. I haven't seen her since August and I just fucking miss her. She's also going to be giving birth in a few months and with her that far away I really don't think I'm going to be able to be there for it. I've already missed her wedding, why must I miss the birth of my niece as well?? I know life isn't fair but I'm really not a fan.

Moving on. My grandmother is still in the hospital. She had to go to the emergency room a couple days ago and the only thing I've heard since then is that she's doing better and is back in either a regular hospital room or a nursing home. I will try to find out more tomorrow.

Today I hung out with two of my very best friends for a while and that helped me more than you can possibly imagine. I was so down in the dumps yesterday and this morning (thanks to a lack of sleep and doing poorly on a quiz) that I just really needed them. We (and by we I mean they >.<) made vegetarian nachos and they were absolutely fantastic. The only down side is that's all I ate today. Well. That and a Frosty but that hardly counts. Hopefully tomorrow I will find the motivation to clean my kitchen and make some turkey burgers. And maybe go to the store and pick up a bag of fries to go with. That would be nummy. But yes. The point. I love my friends dearly and they dug me out of my hole today exactly when I needed them. They rock like that.

I think that's about it really. No complaints, no major panicking, no freaking out. Life is good and I need to make sure I remember this more often. And hell, even if worse comes to worse and C hates me or it just doesn't work, I will press on and continue about saving the world... somehow... because that's just how I roll. :)

Family

I'm getting to the point where I hate almost everyone who is related to me. My paternal family may as well not exist. They care about me almost as much as I care about them... but not quite. I'm even getting to the point that I don't want to talk to any of my half-sisters.


For example, one of them had the following status today: "So once again, I say SCREW you & your political correctness..-This messege brought to you by THIS Pro-LIFE, anti-homosexual marriage, Bible-believing, Jesus lovin', PRAYING, CHRISTIAN!..That is all.. :)"


Other than her religious and political beliefs we get along well but both of those categories are a big part of both of our lives and it makes it almost impossible to talk to her. In fact, I haven't talked to her in quite a while. I just can't stomach it. It kinda makes me sick.


I still get along well with my oldest half-sister but we never talk. Seriously. I mean, it's not that surprising, I didn't meet these people until 3 years ago, it's not like we're used to having each other around. I just think I'm to the point that I really don't care to try anymore. I don't want to feel guilty for not talking to people that I honestly only vaguely know and only care about because of common genetics. It seems rather pointless.


That sounds really harsh. I care about them. Of course I do. I just don't feel like they're family. I don't think that's so odd considering the situation.


Speaking of family....


Christmas went really well this year. Much better than last year's fiasco of terribleness. No one was avoiding me or not talking to me and yeah... it was just better. There were still a few comments made that made me bow my head and grit my teeth but I have a feeling that's always going to happen.


Anywho. I suppose that's about it for now. New Years was also good, in case you were wondering. I didn't get drunk and I didn't go to any parties. I stayed home with Alison, her son, and her infant godson. Other than the constant crying it was a really good night.


Until next time. *tips hat*










Ok, ok, I'm not really wearing a hat. Sue me.