To Be Sent...... I Think.

Damaged, TLC

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

[BRIDGE]
And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

[CHORUS]

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care (And I care about you so much)
And I really really really want you (I really do want you)
And I think I'm kinda scared (But I'm scared with every touch)
Cos I don't want to lose you (Cos I don't want to lose you)
If you really really really care (If you care for me like you say)
Then maybe you can hang through (Then maybe you can hang through)
I hope you understand (I hope you understand)
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you, you)

My heart's at a low (low)
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love (I'm falling in love)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged (I think you should know that)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage (I'm so much to manage)
I think you should know that (I think you should know that)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged)
I'm falling in love (I love you so)
There's one disadvantage (I love you so)
I think you should know that I've been damaged

And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (Ooh I think you should know I've been damaged)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged baby)
I'm falling in love (Falling in love with you baby, yeah)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I feel sorry for you sometimes. I feel bad for letting you love me. I know that I am ridiculous at times. I know that I am in denial of this as well. I am a lot of things I always feared I would be… needy, clingy, and controlling topping the list. I know that sometimes it’s not so bad… but I know other times it’s gotta drive you nuts. I am sacrificing your comfort for mine. I wish I didn't feel so much better when I know what you're doing all the time. I wish I knew... what to do... how to fix it... I don't feel like I need to be fixed though. I thought I was past all that... I thought I was already fixed. And I sure as hell don't want you to fix me. I know you think that's your role in life... that you fix people and then they move on. I don't want you to think that with me. The thought of losing you is something that I literally can't think about for more than a few seconds. I tried tonight. Tears gathered within 3 seconds of imagining life without you. Perhaps that makes me weak, but it is the truth. I don't know if you understand how truly vulnerable I have made myself to you. I did something I told myself I would never do again... I built my life... my future around someone else. You. I opened up and became transparent to someone... something that I've never fully done with another person. Not even with someone who's paid to make me open up and be transparent. You know everything I can possibly tell you. That is a really big deal. If at any point you turned against me I would be destroyed.

Sometimes I get frustrated because I have my walls down where you're concerned and it seems that you still have yours up. Not all of them. I understand that. And I understand that you probably had a hell of a lot more walls than I did to begin with so I understand why you would still have some. Unfortunately, my understanding hasn't been enough. I am not patient... I haven't been very considerate either... And I definitely haven't been selfless. You have been so amazing and I am so comfortable telling you most things that... I think that's caused a problem. I expect that you would be the same way when it is not your personality to do so and so I overlook your wants and needs. In other words, I expect you to just tell me or to complain or talk to me or whatever when you're not getting something... like I do. And so when you don't I suppose I assume that that means everything is okay. I want you to know that I genuinely care about your wants and needs, your thoughts and feelings. Just because I don't ask, doesn't mean I don't care. I do. Please remember that. I will also try to remember that you are not me... you do not think the same way I do and I shouldn't act like you do.

I haven't had many serious relationships. Only one other than you really. So... I don't know what I'm doing. I don't really know what the future's going to be like... I don't know what I'm supposed to do a lot of the time. Even though I may not be able to fathom "forever," I know that I want it with you. 

I don't particularly know what my main point here is... 

I just... feel bad. For bitching. For not being considerate. Honestly... for not being good enough for you. Don't misunderstand, I do not think myself below you and I don't find you faultless... but I haven't been good enough to you or for you. I hope you know that I bitch because I feel that comfortable with you... that I think you will understand. It may not make sense... but I would never do that with someone I didn't trust. I've always just rolled over and taken anything I could get... the fact that I'm no longer doing that is actually good. I just think maybe I went a bit too far and now need to pull myself in.

I don't know how to fix the fears or paranoia. I just don't. I explained to you the other day about that. About the connections that are made in my mind and how it leads to these things. That is the best explanation I have. I don't know if it helps or not.

I trust you.

You are worthy of my trust. You will not do anything to break my trust or make me regret trusting you. You love me. 

I will figure it out. Or better... we will figure it out. Now that I have pinpointed my issues (with the mental connections) hopefully we'll be able to figure out something that helps. Or I will. It is not your responsibility after all.

I never want you to feel like you're on a leash again. I never want you to feel unappreciated again. I am sure it will happen... but I will start working on it again.

I love you.

Now. To the important bit.

What do you want from me? What would you like me to do or not do or stop doing or start doing? What do you need? How can I make your life better? What can I do to make you want to wake up in the morning? How are you? What is your mental health status? Emotional health status? Physical health status?

Please do not dismiss this. I do care. I do want to know. I really do. I am not just saying it.

I fear that I will become that person that fucks up and then does this apology thing just to draw you back in. I fear that is what you think. I hope this is not the case... I think I just need practice.

I don't expect you to understand.

I wish I could explain to you what it makes me feel when I see you talk to her. It's very complicated for me. I don't know what to do. I know you like her... a lot. You guys even say you love each other, even if it's just in a friendly way. I know you're strongly attracted to her. We've discussed all of the above. It's not so much that I fear that you will leave me... it's more that I fear having only a piece of your heart. I fear that one day you will get caught up in the moment and then it will be too late. I could forgive you such things but it would be at a cost. I fear that I bore you... or that I will bore you. I fear that you will always need something new.

I'm fine with your friendship with her. Completely and utterly fine. Seriously. But every scrap of affection that passes between the two of you when I am not explicitly involved scares me. The thought of you two talking anywhere but Facebook terrifies me. Perhaps it is a control thing. I'm sure it is. Perhaps I just fail at trust. But I do hope you could understand why I feel the way I do. I already think I'm not enough. I already think that our relationship will get dull and you will look elsewhere.

*sigh* This sounds worse than I mean for it too.

I don't know how to make it clear. So I will try again.

I know that you aren't going to intentionally hurt me in any way. I know this as well as I know that I would never do the same to you. I know that you would not choose a relationship with anyone else over me, just as I know the same of me. I know that I love you and I know that you love me in the same way. I know that we are supposed to be together. Period. I know this. I feel this. I love this.

I fear that with time you will want someone else either because our relationship becomes stagnant, we go through a rough patch, or just because you need something new and exciting. I fear that I will not excite you. I fear that I will not be enough for you. I fear that something will happen that neither of us ever intended.

I fear that you will seek companionship that will lead to something more. Something that I can see very easily between you and she. I love that you are friends. I do... I just don't love everything else all the time. But you're such a good friend to her. And she to you. And you need more people in your life as I cannot always be available when you need someone no matter how hard I try. I fear that I will fail you and you will turn to her seeking comfort and in a state of weakness things will just.... happen. I am not attempting to doubt your self control or will or love for me or anything of the kind. I just know what kind of things can happen in those moments. It is possible.

I feel bad for thinking any of these things. I feel bad for not having a 100% trust in you. I do have hopes that you really will understand. I don't know that you will. But I do hope. And I hope that you won't just say that you love me and everything is going to be ok. I want to actually talk about it. I don't even know what I'd say...

I think perhaps I would be most comfortable if you two were more friendly and less... friendly. *sigh* I don't know. I feel that I'm beating a dead horse but yet I also feel that I haven't said what I actually need to say... but

I feel like our relationship will become too comfortable. That... you won't want woo me or anything anymore. That... I don't know. =/ That I won't be interesting anymore. That my appeal will diminish. And yet you will always love me. But you won't be excited about it. You'll just be here. We'll be sharing our lives together but there won't be any passion. We'll be roommates... who love each other and share affection but... sigh... Do you know what I mean?

Does anyone know what I mean?

Is this how relationships just are and I need to realize that? Am I simply being naive? Do I just not understand? Am I lost in my fantasy world again?

More importantly... if I am... do I want to leave?

I don't think I do. I'm not ready. I want to be on a cloud with you. I want everything to still be magical. I want to feel so deeply in love that my heart can't beat without you in it. I still have the fantasy that it will always be that way... even though it won't. But I can want it, can't I? Or am I just setting myself up for disappointment? I think I need to know the answers to these questions, even if I don't heed those answers.

I love you. More than anything. And I truly and honestly believe it will always be that way. I vow to you... to love you every day I live.

I hope this doesn't sound any kind of irrational. I really have thought it out... It really does make sense to me...

... We'll see.

Maybe one day you will even read this.

Maybe.