To Be Sent...... I Think.

Damaged, TLC

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

[BRIDGE]
And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

[CHORUS]

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care (And I care about you so much)
And I really really really want you (I really do want you)
And I think I'm kinda scared (But I'm scared with every touch)
Cos I don't want to lose you (Cos I don't want to lose you)
If you really really really care (If you care for me like you say)
Then maybe you can hang through (Then maybe you can hang through)
I hope you understand (I hope you understand)
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you, you)

My heart's at a low (low)
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love (I'm falling in love)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged (I think you should know that)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage (I'm so much to manage)
I think you should know that (I think you should know that)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged)
I'm falling in love (I love you so)
There's one disadvantage (I love you so)
I think you should know that I've been damaged

And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (Ooh I think you should know I've been damaged)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged baby)
I'm falling in love (Falling in love with you baby, yeah)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I feel sorry for you sometimes. I feel bad for letting you love me. I know that I am ridiculous at times. I know that I am in denial of this as well. I am a lot of things I always feared I would be… needy, clingy, and controlling topping the list. I know that sometimes it’s not so bad… but I know other times it’s gotta drive you nuts. I am sacrificing your comfort for mine. I wish I didn't feel so much better when I know what you're doing all the time. I wish I knew... what to do... how to fix it... I don't feel like I need to be fixed though. I thought I was past all that... I thought I was already fixed. And I sure as hell don't want you to fix me. I know you think that's your role in life... that you fix people and then they move on. I don't want you to think that with me. The thought of losing you is something that I literally can't think about for more than a few seconds. I tried tonight. Tears gathered within 3 seconds of imagining life without you. Perhaps that makes me weak, but it is the truth. I don't know if you understand how truly vulnerable I have made myself to you. I did something I told myself I would never do again... I built my life... my future around someone else. You. I opened up and became transparent to someone... something that I've never fully done with another person. Not even with someone who's paid to make me open up and be transparent. You know everything I can possibly tell you. That is a really big deal. If at any point you turned against me I would be destroyed.

Sometimes I get frustrated because I have my walls down where you're concerned and it seems that you still have yours up. Not all of them. I understand that. And I understand that you probably had a hell of a lot more walls than I did to begin with so I understand why you would still have some. Unfortunately, my understanding hasn't been enough. I am not patient... I haven't been very considerate either... And I definitely haven't been selfless. You have been so amazing and I am so comfortable telling you most things that... I think that's caused a problem. I expect that you would be the same way when it is not your personality to do so and so I overlook your wants and needs. In other words, I expect you to just tell me or to complain or talk to me or whatever when you're not getting something... like I do. And so when you don't I suppose I assume that that means everything is okay. I want you to know that I genuinely care about your wants and needs, your thoughts and feelings. Just because I don't ask, doesn't mean I don't care. I do. Please remember that. I will also try to remember that you are not me... you do not think the same way I do and I shouldn't act like you do.

I haven't had many serious relationships. Only one other than you really. So... I don't know what I'm doing. I don't really know what the future's going to be like... I don't know what I'm supposed to do a lot of the time. Even though I may not be able to fathom "forever," I know that I want it with you. 

I don't particularly know what my main point here is... 

I just... feel bad. For bitching. For not being considerate. Honestly... for not being good enough for you. Don't misunderstand, I do not think myself below you and I don't find you faultless... but I haven't been good enough to you or for you. I hope you know that I bitch because I feel that comfortable with you... that I think you will understand. It may not make sense... but I would never do that with someone I didn't trust. I've always just rolled over and taken anything I could get... the fact that I'm no longer doing that is actually good. I just think maybe I went a bit too far and now need to pull myself in.

I don't know how to fix the fears or paranoia. I just don't. I explained to you the other day about that. About the connections that are made in my mind and how it leads to these things. That is the best explanation I have. I don't know if it helps or not.

I trust you.

You are worthy of my trust. You will not do anything to break my trust or make me regret trusting you. You love me. 

I will figure it out. Or better... we will figure it out. Now that I have pinpointed my issues (with the mental connections) hopefully we'll be able to figure out something that helps. Or I will. It is not your responsibility after all.

I never want you to feel like you're on a leash again. I never want you to feel unappreciated again. I am sure it will happen... but I will start working on it again.

I love you.

Now. To the important bit.

What do you want from me? What would you like me to do or not do or stop doing or start doing? What do you need? How can I make your life better? What can I do to make you want to wake up in the morning? How are you? What is your mental health status? Emotional health status? Physical health status?

Please do not dismiss this. I do care. I do want to know. I really do. I am not just saying it.

I fear that I will become that person that fucks up and then does this apology thing just to draw you back in. I fear that is what you think. I hope this is not the case... I think I just need practice.