Not a Real Philosopher

So... I was fucking around on Fu tonight instead of doing something productive like writing my paper. I got the bright idea that I should rate someone's shit and get some points again. So I figured I'd go through Chris' again. It had been a while.

Meh.

He's had too many girlfriends. I found the profile of this one chick that he dated a few years ago through a photo comment that she left. Curiosity got the better of me and I had to click. Then I kept clicking. And kept clicking... *sigh* I don't know why I'm all sad about it... I guess I liked to think that I was the first person he seriously considered marrying.. even thought I knew I wasn't before this.. but whatever. But this chick. Sigh. Fuck. I can't explain. But it's just... her. Because I know the hell he went through when she left. Ok, not really, but I know the general idea. I met him about a year after that.

Meh.

I don't know. I should have stopped clicking. Curiosity killed the cat, y'know.

I need to keep typing. I need to get to the bottom of why I feel so... depressed because of this. I guess I feel like I don't really have him even though I have him.

I also got to thinking about what life will be like when I'm actually there. Like... how fucking weird is that gonna be, yo? Hell, I've never done this before. It's been a rough few weeks for us because of stress and such and usually I would have just fucking left... but for once... I'm here. I'm staying. I have to. For once... I really do trust him. Thoughts still run through my head... the fears are still there trying to take over... but I'm working on it. I trust him not to do anything that would hurt me. Not intentionally anyway.

I wonder if it would be better if I were there. I wonder if every time I think that I'm setting myself up for failure and disappointment.

Just... seeing her... knowing... what he felt... seeing things he said to her... seeing how much he loved her... seeing... god... it just looks like he loved her like he loves me. Ya know? I guess that's really it. It's not really jealousy if it's something in the past, is it? I don't know. They even had a wedding date... *sigh* I'm just... sad. And maybe I am jealous. Because I'm not there and even though we plan on getting married things aren't settled enough that we could possibly think of setting a date. All the practicalities are still up in the air. Maybe I'm just afraid that it's going to end before we get to that point. Maybe we'll get tired of waiting. Maybe ... maybe it's just not enough.

It might sound like I'm mad at him. I'm not. Not in the slightest actually... I just feel... hurt. For no good reason. Not like "he did something to hurt me" kind of thing... just... wounded... like a bruise... Maybe this is all a part of not feeling good enough. Just not being enough.

God, I feel like I'm all over the place.

No wonder I can't concentrate. My head is so fucking scattered I can't concentrate on anything.

I just... I love him. So much. There was a moment the other day where I thought... I thought he was leaving me... I can't even tell you what that did to me. I cracked into a million pieces on the inside.

I know I get jealous way too often and over things that I have no reason to be jealous over... I don't really know how to make that stop. I know that ties into not feeling like I'm enough. I feel bad that I'm not there. I feel bad that he's stuck being in love with me, someone who can't be there with him... for him. You can't help who you fall in love with and we're all victims of love, right? So he just can't help it. He doesn't have a choice. Get it? He's stuck. Yet somehow it doesn't work the other way around in my mind, lol. I guess I should work on that line of logic a little more. Because he can always leave... so there's really no stuck... except if he loves me then he can't. Sigh. I dunno. I'm thinking too much and getting all philosophical or some shit. This is why philosophers commit suicide. Good thing I'm just a fledgling.

I don't know why you think I'm great.

Today sucked.

C and I fought over the only 2 things we ever fight about and I cried. I'm trying so hard... but we're just not on the same page on these two issues apparently and I don't know what to do about it. One of them is at least mostly my fault because I don't trust him like I should. I'm trying so hard and I know that he would never do any of the things that my mind comes up with. I know this. I do. He's had a sketchy past but I know he's in this all the way. But god.... I can't fucking get past this shit. I expect people to fuck me over. I expect them to let me down. I expect them to do things they say you won't. I expect them to hate me. I really do. I don't know why he doesn't hate me, honestly. I freak the fuck out whenever he flirts with someone else. He's a flirt. I'm a flirt. We know this. It's just how it is. I can't fucking handle it. I should be able to. I don't know what's so incredibly wrong with me that I can't do this but I'm really not a fan. I'm just insecure and paranoid and I really just want to fucking trust him. He deserves it. He hasn't done anything, not really. He's been totally honest with me and put up with my constant paranoia and I just know he loves me and I know that he couldn't love anyone the way he loves me.

*sigh*

I hate being me sometimes. I really do.

Emoticons Say It All

The plan now is to do a test on her legs in the mornings to see if she has any viable veins to use for the bypass. If not... well, they won't tell us what happens in that case. Assuming she does then she will have the double bypass and will also have surgery on her neck tomorrow.

I guess we'll see how it goes.

=/

:-S

:-(

Android's Don't Cry

Gram's having a double bypass tomorrow. I found out maybe 20 minutes ago. They may also have to do surgery on her neck at the same time.

Information from online says it is likely that she will die in the next year.

I'll be back when I stop being a robot and have decided to deal with this.

Losing Sucks

The Colts lost.

I shouldn't be so upset about this... but I am. This is the first time I've ever *actually* given a shit about a team. It just sucks. Whatever.

I'm going to bed.

Responsibility

When did I become the adult? When did I become the one for people to lean on? You want the truth?

I've always been that person. When I was no more than 5, I was put in the role of protecting my younger sister anytime we were visiting my father. "Take care of your sister, make sure she isn't left out." My father couldn't be trusted to do such menial things, so I did. Whatever. I understood. She was my sister, of course I would take care of her.

Things haven't changed. They've never changed. My mother comes to me for advice ranging from which job she should take (I was 14 for that one) to what she should do with her money (buy a car, save it, close her credit card, keep it open, whatever).

A friend just called. He called to talk to me because I told him I needed to about an hour ago. By the time he called I didn't really want to talk anymore so I just told him what was wrong and he went on to talk about his day and complain about whatever. This is a very normal occurrence. I'm used to not getting out what I need to get out. I'm used to no one understanding or wanting to talk. It's really not even that big of a deal.

My grandmother is back in the hospital. That's what was bothering me. Also, my mother told me they needed me to come home next week and take care of her. They think she will listen to me and let me take care of her like she's supposed to be doing with them. Apparently she stopped eating again. Her blood pressure spiked and stayed too high so that's why she's back in the hospital. I don't know how they can't get her to eat. I'm sure they just don't have the time, but sheesh. Anyway. The point. If I'm needed, I come. It doesn't matter if I want to, it doesn't matter if it's inconvenient, it just matters that I'm needed. Despite all of that, I feel terribly guilty because I don't want to go. Other than caring for her for a few days, there's absolutely nothing to do. I will be trapped in that house with nothing to amuse me but a book and whatever TV show she is blasting. Again, it doesn't matter. It is what has to be done and listening to my desires is selfish. I love my grandmother. She needs me. Simple as that. I may bitch and moan between now and then but I guarantee you I will get in that car on Sunday and I will drive the 4 hours to take care of her for 3 or 4 days and then I will turn around and drive back here to make it to the first day of class.

It's just... stressful. It's nothing but stressful. That and I will miss C. Yeah, fine, I can say it. I'm really that feckin' selfish. I will miss him and it will suck. Her house has virtually no cell service and no internet access. It will be difficult. I don't enjoy being home, ever, but the seclusion will get to me I think.

I hate that I'm upset and I hate... I don't know what I hate. I just know that I'm not at all happy about this and for several reasons. Judge me if you want, but I'm just speaking my truth.

I won't even get into anything else twirling around the fucked up thing they call my mind.

I'm going to read. Good night.

A Bad Day

Today was a bad day.

Memories came up that I never want to remember. I kind of want to do something violent. But I won't. I'll just cry instead. We all know how much that solves.

I miss the days when I never got sick. I miss feeling well. I miss taking for granted that I would wake up in the morning and my stomach wouldn't be killing me. I miss being able to eat whatever, whenever, and not have to worry about whether or not I was going to be in the bathroom for 20 minutes an hour later. I miss not looking at the nutritional labels, counting calories, and dividing and multiplying it all just to make sure I don't go off and die or something.

I think the moral of the story is that I'm angry. I'm angry at my health and I'm angry that things still affect me.

*sigh* I don't even know what else to say. I feel the need to rant and rave and throw things but I don't have the ability. I only really have the desire to just curl up in bed and cry for a good long while. Maybe I will.

Just Feelings. They Mean Nothing.

I'm always going to be the black sheep.
I'm always going to be the one no one can understand.
I'm always going to be the last to know.

I feel like I've lost my sister.
I feel like... I just feel like... crying.

I hate feeling so isolated.
I hate that I love someone I can't touch.
I hate... everything... and nothing.
I hate that I only have one person who is close enough to me to hug me when I need it.

I hate being alone.
I hate that no one thinks I can understand.
I hate that no one will tell me what's really going on.
I hate that I'm crying right now.

I hate that I love my family when they don't act like they love me back.
I hate that I still love the people who almost killed me.

I'm overreacting.
I don't care.
It hurts.
It's allowed to hurt and I'm going to let it.

I hate that everyone is getting closer and I'm getting shoved to the side.
I hate that their religious beliefs dictate their lives.
I hate.... I just hate. I hate it all.

But.....
I don't hate me.
And that's what matters.
I know that I am absolutely who I want to be.
I know that I am exactly what I need to be.

And we'll leave it at that.

I'm Sad.

My last FemSex class was tonight. =/ I'm really going to miss it. It was nice to have a place to go and get to talk to a group of women about everything that goes along with being a woman. It was nice to pretend they were my friends and that they cared as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure some of them did care, but I know they all didn't. I was really hoping that by the end of the class I would have become friends with a couple of these people. It didn't happen. I mean... I would still love to... but... yeah... I fail at making friends with people. I don't know how to do it. And no one approached me and asked if I wanted to hang or anything so yeah... whatever.

I did, however, suggest that we all get back together and make FemSex into a student organization so that we could all keep in touch. I'm going to do my best to make sure that happens next semester. Maybe there's still hope. Maybe.

I'm sad for other reasons as well. I haven't talked to anyone except C for a couple days now and while he's generally good company when he's not... he's REALLY not. Last night he was not. He got upset about something, not having anyone to talk to maybe, but then wouldn't talk about it. That drives me batty. It also made me sad because I knew he was sad but I couldn't help him. Anyway, when I went to bed I ended up writing some crappy poetry. I haven't put it on my computer yet but I will... sometime. I might even post it.

I also miss A. She doesn't seem too happy either and I haven't talked to her much in a couple days which is just really... unusual. I haven't seen her since.... Sunday? Saturday? I don't remember but it has really been too long. Life is just not complete without her. Which is probably bad... but... I'm not going to try to change that. I think she'll stick around, at least for a while.

/sigh

I just... I dunno. I need to work on my paper. I need to figure out what the hell my paper is going to be about. Anywho... 'til next time.