Close Your Eyes, Make A Wish

I hate nights like tonight. I never know how they happen. I never remember why I'm so fucking depressed, why I'm crying my eyes out like there's no tomorrow. 

Side note, in response to the text I just received: I'm sorry that I interrupted your sleep to tell you I loved you and I'm sorry that I wanted... maybe even needed... to hear it back. I know you know the feeling, so I don't know why you'd be so surprised.

Anyway...

Since we can't seem to actually fucking converse, I'm going to tell you what happened with me and why I reacted the way I did here and I would like an actual response to this in the form of an email. Preferably tomorrow, but god forbid I make such demands. Besides, as you have made clear, tomorrow is going to be bad enough for you. I'm sure I'll be making it worse in plenty of ways throughout the day, so just respond as soon as you have the energy.

While I'm thinking about it, do you know what I was thinking while you were telling me about your day tomorrow? No, you don't. Because I didn't tell you. Because... well. It doesn't matter why, I'm telling you now. I was thinking that while you're out doing all of that, I'm going to be sitting at home thinking about how cruel it is that I have the morning and most of the day off and could actually sit and talk to you but you have a busy day and that's not going to happen. At all. We might get to talk in the morning for an hour but I doubt it. Because we will both be dealing with the residual shit from tonight and neither of us will want to bring it up because there won't be time. So it will be a lot of just sitting there, not actually talking. Then you will leave. We will text little, as you will be busy. You will start to text me more as you get to Suzie's and have nothing better to do but it won't be anything meaningful. I won't complain though. It will be nice to have something. Then, when you finally get home, I will be leaving for or will have already left for work. I will text you throughout my shift though it won't be much and you'll be tired anyway so you'll probably want to take advantage of the silence. By the time I get home from work it is likely that you will be asleep as you will probably sleep like shit tonight and thus will be very tired and will not want to stay up to talk to me. And I can't blame you. At all. It only makes sense. But I will get sad because I didn't get to talk to you and either suck it up and not show you that it bothers me so as to better take care of you, actually be ok with it, or say something that makes you feel horrible and stay up until I get home so we can have a miserable 5 minute conversation and go to bed.

That's why I was upset. That is the train of thought that followed after I remembered that I was supposed to be up there tomorrow. Seeing you. Being with you. Hugging you... So please, forgive my tears. They were actually founded. I think so anyway.

Now. As to when I got home tonight and what ensued.

You have told me that you can't be trusted. And then you get pissed when I show a sign of doubt. You have told me that you don't talk to new people because when you do, you are tempted to do things you shouldn't. And yet you get pissed when I consider the possibilities. How is this fair?

When I came home, I was happy. I was eager to share my joy with you and I knew it was going to be a great night. I was going to make you happy, we were going to have a nice, somewhat long conversation on the phone and we were going to go to bed blissfully happy. I guess my psychic powers were a little off. Instead, when I got home you were busy. Not only were you busy, but you were busy with a new girl who intrigued you enough that you could talk to her for seven hours. I felt completely and utterly replaced. Then I realized I should be happy that you found someone you could talk to. But I felt completely and utterly replaced. I felt like I no longer had any significant role in your life. Everything I do for you can be done by other people. 

As I was leaving for work today, I felt more horrible than you can possibly imagine. I felt like I didn't have time for you and I wanted to shoot myself for that. I always thought I would never be too busy for you. I still say that I will always make time for you. I text you from work and risk getting caught and written up because I love you and can't leave you alone all day. Except today you weren't even alone... If I hadn't texted you, you would have been fine. Fuck, I'm talking in circles. *breathes*

When I left I was hoping that you would talk to me when I got home or would actually send that email. I was hoping that I could redeem myself for not being able to stay. 

I don't even know how to explain everything that happened when I learned about this new person. It wasn't even so much that I thought you would cheat, as I said. That really wasn't what I was afraid of. It was just that... I already felt so bad... and then I was so happy and so ready to take care of you... only to find out that someone else already had. Someone else was filling your day and making you happy. So in a way, I snapped. No... not in a way... I did snap. Something snapped. I was gone. From then on, it was a battle. Everything was a battle. You gave up. I begged for reassurance and you preached to me about how it would do no good. Even though I was telling you it would. Your fight was gone. You couldn't even say anything. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in those instances. I don't know how to make you understand. 

My head is still spinning. This isn't what I wanted to say. This isn't coming out right.

Stop assuming. Stop thinking you know what I want even when I tell you different. Stop giving up. Stop deciding that you're going to lose before you even try.

I hate myself for telling you to stop. I feel like I'm giving you rules. 

Fuck. 

Now I want to give up. Now my fight is gone.

I think you're going to read this wrong. I think you're not going to understand. I think this might be hopeless... I think... I think.... I don't know what I think.

Sometimes it seems like the only thing that keeps us together is the fact that I'm so goddamn stubborn. Like you would just roll over and let it be done if I didn't stop you and force you to talk or something. It's depressing.

I don't like it.

I'm so tired...

I am running myself thin and I know it. I am trying to make you my number one priority but you won't allow it. I am trying to take care of you and you won't allow it. If I am not able to talk to you, you get depressed. When I try to move things around so that I will be able to talk to you, you act like I'm an idiot for doing that and that you don't want to talk. It's ridiculous. 

God, my head is still spinning. I know this isn't making sense. I know you're probably still not going to understand and even if you do you're going to think I acted stupidly and illogically and you will still be annoyed and maybe even hate me a little. Or a lot.

I don't try to make you feel guilty. Maybe I should just not tell you everything. Maybe some things really are better left unsaid. Maybe I should just not tell you some of the things I feel. I should just let you sleep when you're tired and try to deal with it myself. Obviously keeping you up tonight did me no good as it's 2:30 and I'm no closer to sleep than I was an hour ago.

Fuck.

I hate me. I really fucking do.

I hate leaning on you so much. I hate looking to you for answers. I hate that I have to do these things. I fucking hate me! Jesus!

No wonder I have issues remembering you love me. What the fuck is there to love? What the fuck do you get out of this relationship? The way I see it, I'm just making it worse. I sure as fuck don't make you happy.

God.... this is gonna make me suicidal. Fucking depressing as shit and getting nowhere.

Ugh.

If I stop writing I'll feel so much worse. Because there's still shit to say. But I don't know what and I don't know how to say it. Can you just crawl inside my mind please? Just see all the pictures and words whirling around and try to make sense of it? Please? It's kinda like a spiral. You'll like it.

You make me so goddamn happy so much of the time. I can't let you go. Even when you're pushing me away, I can't let go. I love you too damn much.

I should let tonight go though. I should just... try to live with the fact that... I'm not going to be here all the time. And I will hope to god that you still talk to me... And... not fall in love with someone else. Someone who can actually be around.


Maybe I should let you fool around online. What's the worst that happens? Other than forgetting about me and just deciding you don't need or want me at all, of course... God. I really have to loosen the reigns. You'll either love me and stay with me or you won't. Holding you with a death grip doesn't make it less likely that you'll slip through my fingers. Makes it more likely actually. I have been making progress with that. I thought I'd been doing better. I had been doing better. And I'm sure after tonight that wouldn't have changed. I wasn't going to change anything. I was just going to worry more probably. About this mystery girl. Who is a model. Whom you claim not to be attracted to. Just as Dominic did before he started dating that person two days after he left me.

Anyway....

Maybe you love me in a way that I can't understand... that's the only feasible reason I can think of for why you'd still be with me after all this shit.

I don't care about the girl. I don't. Whatever. Doesn't matter. She is irrelevant. Who she is is irrelevant. What matters is the fear beneath it. That is what needs to be addressed. That doesn't mean I'm not going to attach all of that to her again, but yeah. This is my moment of clarity when I realize she... in and of herself... is not the problem. My fears are the problem. She just brought them to the surface.

Sigh.

I really fucking hope you got something positive out of that. I really fucking hope you understand something a little more. I really hope you'd fight for me... I really hope you won't give up. And I really hope you know I love you.

I do love you. I love my fantasies of you and all that jazz but I love you. I don't want to change you. I just want to help you communicate better. I love you. That's the only difference between my fantasy you and the real you. Just so you know.

It's 2:45 now. I have to call you in 6 hours. So. I hope you're asleep by now. I hope you still love me, even though you didn't say it. I hope you don't hate me as much as I think you do.

I love you. Seriously.

P.S. I found this tonight. I thought it was kind of fitting.

close your eyes, make a wish.

If I had a dollar for every wish I'd ever made, I'd have a lot of dollars.
It's funny.
You sit there, and know it won't come true.
But deep down, you hope.
With all your might.
That maybe, magic does happen.
And our wishes will come true.

I don't know if it's a good thing that as kid's we're told magic happens.
It doesn't.
Not like in fairy tales.
Someone can't just wave a wand, and everything is ok.
You don't have a fairy-godmother that turns you into a princess.
And it's sad.
And to be honest, I feel let down.

I want to find a genie, a little elf, some magic dust.
Anything.

To Be Sent...... I Think.

Damaged, TLC

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

[BRIDGE]
And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

[CHORUS]

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care (And I care about you so much)
And I really really really want you (I really do want you)
And I think I'm kinda scared (But I'm scared with every touch)
Cos I don't want to lose you (Cos I don't want to lose you)
If you really really really care (If you care for me like you say)
Then maybe you can hang through (Then maybe you can hang through)
I hope you understand (I hope you understand)
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you, you)

My heart's at a low (low)
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love (I'm falling in love)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged (I think you should know that)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage (I'm so much to manage)
I think you should know that (I think you should know that)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged)
I'm falling in love (I love you so)
There's one disadvantage (I love you so)
I think you should know that I've been damaged

And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (Ooh I think you should know I've been damaged)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged baby)
I'm falling in love (Falling in love with you baby, yeah)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I feel sorry for you sometimes. I feel bad for letting you love me. I know that I am ridiculous at times. I know that I am in denial of this as well. I am a lot of things I always feared I would be… needy, clingy, and controlling topping the list. I know that sometimes it’s not so bad… but I know other times it’s gotta drive you nuts. I am sacrificing your comfort for mine. I wish I didn't feel so much better when I know what you're doing all the time. I wish I knew... what to do... how to fix it... I don't feel like I need to be fixed though. I thought I was past all that... I thought I was already fixed. And I sure as hell don't want you to fix me. I know you think that's your role in life... that you fix people and then they move on. I don't want you to think that with me. The thought of losing you is something that I literally can't think about for more than a few seconds. I tried tonight. Tears gathered within 3 seconds of imagining life without you. Perhaps that makes me weak, but it is the truth. I don't know if you understand how truly vulnerable I have made myself to you. I did something I told myself I would never do again... I built my life... my future around someone else. You. I opened up and became transparent to someone... something that I've never fully done with another person. Not even with someone who's paid to make me open up and be transparent. You know everything I can possibly tell you. That is a really big deal. If at any point you turned against me I would be destroyed.

Sometimes I get frustrated because I have my walls down where you're concerned and it seems that you still have yours up. Not all of them. I understand that. And I understand that you probably had a hell of a lot more walls than I did to begin with so I understand why you would still have some. Unfortunately, my understanding hasn't been enough. I am not patient... I haven't been very considerate either... And I definitely haven't been selfless. You have been so amazing and I am so comfortable telling you most things that... I think that's caused a problem. I expect that you would be the same way when it is not your personality to do so and so I overlook your wants and needs. In other words, I expect you to just tell me or to complain or talk to me or whatever when you're not getting something... like I do. And so when you don't I suppose I assume that that means everything is okay. I want you to know that I genuinely care about your wants and needs, your thoughts and feelings. Just because I don't ask, doesn't mean I don't care. I do. Please remember that. I will also try to remember that you are not me... you do not think the same way I do and I shouldn't act like you do.

I haven't had many serious relationships. Only one other than you really. So... I don't know what I'm doing. I don't really know what the future's going to be like... I don't know what I'm supposed to do a lot of the time. Even though I may not be able to fathom "forever," I know that I want it with you. 

I don't particularly know what my main point here is... 

I just... feel bad. For bitching. For not being considerate. Honestly... for not being good enough for you. Don't misunderstand, I do not think myself below you and I don't find you faultless... but I haven't been good enough to you or for you. I hope you know that I bitch because I feel that comfortable with you... that I think you will understand. It may not make sense... but I would never do that with someone I didn't trust. I've always just rolled over and taken anything I could get... the fact that I'm no longer doing that is actually good. I just think maybe I went a bit too far and now need to pull myself in.

I don't know how to fix the fears or paranoia. I just don't. I explained to you the other day about that. About the connections that are made in my mind and how it leads to these things. That is the best explanation I have. I don't know if it helps or not.

I trust you.

You are worthy of my trust. You will not do anything to break my trust or make me regret trusting you. You love me. 

I will figure it out. Or better... we will figure it out. Now that I have pinpointed my issues (with the mental connections) hopefully we'll be able to figure out something that helps. Or I will. It is not your responsibility after all.

I never want you to feel like you're on a leash again. I never want you to feel unappreciated again. I am sure it will happen... but I will start working on it again.

I love you.

Now. To the important bit.

What do you want from me? What would you like me to do or not do or stop doing or start doing? What do you need? How can I make your life better? What can I do to make you want to wake up in the morning? How are you? What is your mental health status? Emotional health status? Physical health status?

Please do not dismiss this. I do care. I do want to know. I really do. I am not just saying it.

I fear that I will become that person that fucks up and then does this apology thing just to draw you back in. I fear that is what you think. I hope this is not the case... I think I just need practice.

Not a Real Philosopher

So... I was fucking around on Fu tonight instead of doing something productive like writing my paper. I got the bright idea that I should rate someone's shit and get some points again. So I figured I'd go through Chris' again. It had been a while.

Meh.

He's had too many girlfriends. I found the profile of this one chick that he dated a few years ago through a photo comment that she left. Curiosity got the better of me and I had to click. Then I kept clicking. And kept clicking... *sigh* I don't know why I'm all sad about it... I guess I liked to think that I was the first person he seriously considered marrying.. even thought I knew I wasn't before this.. but whatever. But this chick. Sigh. Fuck. I can't explain. But it's just... her. Because I know the hell he went through when she left. Ok, not really, but I know the general idea. I met him about a year after that.

Meh.

I don't know. I should have stopped clicking. Curiosity killed the cat, y'know.

I need to keep typing. I need to get to the bottom of why I feel so... depressed because of this. I guess I feel like I don't really have him even though I have him.

I also got to thinking about what life will be like when I'm actually there. Like... how fucking weird is that gonna be, yo? Hell, I've never done this before. It's been a rough few weeks for us because of stress and such and usually I would have just fucking left... but for once... I'm here. I'm staying. I have to. For once... I really do trust him. Thoughts still run through my head... the fears are still there trying to take over... but I'm working on it. I trust him not to do anything that would hurt me. Not intentionally anyway.

I wonder if it would be better if I were there. I wonder if every time I think that I'm setting myself up for failure and disappointment.

Just... seeing her... knowing... what he felt... seeing things he said to her... seeing how much he loved her... seeing... god... it just looks like he loved her like he loves me. Ya know? I guess that's really it. It's not really jealousy if it's something in the past, is it? I don't know. They even had a wedding date... *sigh* I'm just... sad. And maybe I am jealous. Because I'm not there and even though we plan on getting married things aren't settled enough that we could possibly think of setting a date. All the practicalities are still up in the air. Maybe I'm just afraid that it's going to end before we get to that point. Maybe we'll get tired of waiting. Maybe ... maybe it's just not enough.

It might sound like I'm mad at him. I'm not. Not in the slightest actually... I just feel... hurt. For no good reason. Not like "he did something to hurt me" kind of thing... just... wounded... like a bruise... Maybe this is all a part of not feeling good enough. Just not being enough.

God, I feel like I'm all over the place.

No wonder I can't concentrate. My head is so fucking scattered I can't concentrate on anything.

I just... I love him. So much. There was a moment the other day where I thought... I thought he was leaving me... I can't even tell you what that did to me. I cracked into a million pieces on the inside.

I know I get jealous way too often and over things that I have no reason to be jealous over... I don't really know how to make that stop. I know that ties into not feeling like I'm enough. I feel bad that I'm not there. I feel bad that he's stuck being in love with me, someone who can't be there with him... for him. You can't help who you fall in love with and we're all victims of love, right? So he just can't help it. He doesn't have a choice. Get it? He's stuck. Yet somehow it doesn't work the other way around in my mind, lol. I guess I should work on that line of logic a little more. Because he can always leave... so there's really no stuck... except if he loves me then he can't. Sigh. I dunno. I'm thinking too much and getting all philosophical or some shit. This is why philosophers commit suicide. Good thing I'm just a fledgling.

Some Things Don't Need a Title.

I'm tired.

I am so fucking tired.

I'm not sleeping well again and as we all know, a lack of sleep just leads to lots of problems. I'm starting to feel it.

I hate going home. It puts me in a weird fucking head-space and it takes too long to get out of it. I'm probably going to be cranky for a couple of days and I'm not going to want to deal with anyone's shit. Seriously. You've been warned.

I'm also getting paranoid. About... a lot of things. I'm afraid it's a side effect of my medicine but I really fucking hope not. Then again, if it's not, then I'm just fucking nuts. I don't trust anyone. I just don't. I keep waiting for people to do something they're not supposed to... or told me they wouldn't. I'm convinced C doesn't want me. Why the fuck should he? I'm convinced he likes J and would have more fun with her, even if they wouldn't actually work as a couple. But maybe they would. Maybe he wants to know. I don't trust anything. Goddamnbitchmotherfucker. I'm scared. What's worse is that I know that if I can't fix this paranoia that I really am going to drive him away. He doesn't deserve this. And that just makes me more paranoid. Knowing what I'm doing... knowing that I'm going to drive him nuts... knowing he could just leave... knowing... just... knowing.

I motherfucking HATE going home. It fucks with my head. It puts me back into the frame of mind I was in when I was a teenager. Too many motherfucking memories. Too much shit. Maybe I do need the big city. Just so I can breathe... and then I can escape back here (here as in JC) when I need a break.

God... I'm so scared. I really am. I hate it. I hate thinking these thoughts. I hate not knowing how to fix it. I hate it all. I want to go back to normal. I can't keep begging for reassurance.

God.. I feel bipolar. My ups and downs today have been ridiculous. I've been flying high and sinking low. I dunno wtf is up. I just blame it on home.

I got my hair cut. It's cute.

Secret of the day. I want to go to my bathroom, cut my arm, and watch it bleed. I've never done that before. Not really. And I won't. But I want to. I was thinking about it earlier...

I miss C. I miss him so much. I wish I could drive up next weekend. I just wish I could hug him... I wish I could look into his eyes and I wish I could kiss him. It's been almost a month since our first kiss....

My mother wants me to fly out to Oregon in the summer and bring my sister and Katherine back. I'm still mad at her. I miss her.... but I'm mad at her... for leaving, for getting married, for getting pregnant... I'm just mad.

Gah. I just wanna go to bed. I want to curl up and cry and go to bed.

I can feel him getting tired of me. I can feel him starting to hate me... I can feel me starting to hate me. Is he tired of me yet? Has he realized I'm not worth the trouble? When will he? Next week? Next month? Seven years from now?

No one can love me forever. I'm just not that type of person.

Mondays - They Aren't All Bad

Ok, dearies, we are ready to move on to Day Two of my trip to Indy. I know you're excited. :)

After our morning sexings, which I will not go into detail about because... well... it's none of your business and I have probably said too much about that already, and took our shower, yes, together ... Actually that deserves a little commenting. I had taken a shower with one other person in my life that was not a sibling. This was a wholly different experience, and no, I don't mean like that, you pervs. It was just... nice. It was fun actually. Other than the fact that he likes his water freakishly hot (;)) everything was just... yeah... fun... You may as well know that he looks epically cute in the shower. Like... seriously. It's one of the few times where we would just be standing there in front of each other talking and such. He's a little shorter than I and he has this way of just looking up at me with his eyes all wide and questioning (especially when he's doubting himself over something he definitely should not be questioning) and it seriously makes my heart melt. He would stand there, hands behind his back, looking up at me like that and I would just have to hug him. Apparently water makes everything awesomer and our slick, wet shower hugs were the greatest.

After the epicness of the shower, we made our way through the church traffic to Pizza Hut. Our first "eating out" experience. It was pretty much awesome. Then again, I thought all of our firsts were pretty much awesome... as were all the subsequent events, lol. While we were there a huge group of crazy Christians came in, fresh from church, and I had to seriously resist talking loudly about sex and such. I think I still may have slipped in a few comments but I don't think I embarrassed him too badly. :D Random fact. He eats pizza with a fork. Weirder, without even thinking about it, I ate my pizza with a fork. I used to do it all the time when I was younger (I literally had to teach myself how to just pick up a piece of pizza and eat it) and apparently being around him just brought back that side of me, lol. It was kinda cute. What's also awesome is that he didn't put any dead animals on the pizza. :D That is love, my friends.

From there, we made our way to Holliday Park (which I got to use my GPS to find :D). I loooooooove parks. He was mildly (and by mildly I mean not mildly at all) freaking out about some issue with his car that of course wasn't an issue at all. Silly boy. He should have just listened to me but whatever. :D

The park... was... GRAND! He had to go potty and that led us on an epic adventure because I, of course, just started walking toward the closest building ... or at least the first one I saw... and assumed there would be restrooms. He was all, "I've never been over here before. I don't think they have bathrooms." But of course I knew better and drug him along. :D Turns out that I was, of course, correct. But even better! Not only did this building have restrooms but it had like... actual exhibits and stuffs including some rather epic photography. We wandered about and discovered everything there was to discover there and found a path leading out of the back door. We followed one of the trails. After a few minutes walk (part of which was over wet stone... not so good for the accident prone, but I managed) we wound up at this... pond-like thing. For those of you who have seen The Labyrinth, imagine the Bog of Eternal Stench... just how it looked, not the smell. It was feckin' epic. There was a bench beside said Bog so we sat for a bit and just enjoyed the view and the company. Well... that and talked about how great it would be if the kids running about on the gnoll to our right would get a little too close to the edge and go tumbling down. =D Anywho. After that we walked some more and found an actual lake-type thing to stand and stare at. Yes, I really do actually like doing these things, lol. There were too many people around and they were closing in on us so we moved along rather quickly. Unfortunately around that point is started drizzling and I'm just not a fan of rain so we headed back up the trail. We won't talk about his smoker's lungs at this point, lol. Again... silly boy. By the time we had climbed back up the hill and such it had all but stopped with the rain so we wandered around the... ruins... for lack of a better word for a moment before heading back to the car.

Let's see... from there we wandered over to WalMart to pick up provisions for the week. It was weird... in a really awesome way that made me happy. We were having our first truly domestic experience... grocery shopping together. It seriously just made me giddy. I am that friggin' easy to please, lol. Same thing with unloading the groceries once we got home. It just made everything feel... real. We really were together and we really were working as a couple. [happy sigh] I can't even describe how well we work. Well... aside from both of us forgetting bowls, the way we make decisions is just... perfect. Seriously. He likes to consider all the options and I just go straight for what makes the most sense to me. You'd think that would result in clashing but it actually just balances us both I think. That's how it seems to me anyway. Not to mention stolen kisses in near empty aisles just put one of those goofy grins on my face. :D While we were at WalMart we both picked up a couple of movies. I got Iron Man and Star Trek and he got Robots and ALICE (the TV series). We also picked up coloring books and crayons. Yes. Coloring books and crayons. Because we both fucking love coloring, yo, lol. Apparently he's a crayon Nazi and Crayola's are the only acceptable crayons. *snicker* We ended up getting like 5 coloring books, lol. It gave me one of those giddy, child-like happies that I had found someone so freakin' perfect that he even shared my love of coloring.

Ok so anyway. When we finally made it home we put away the groceries and put on Robots and started the epic coloring extravaganza. Ok, so we only colored one picture each but those pictures were friggin' epic! I will have to upload pictures of our artwork. You will appreciate it. :D In case you are wondering, coloring in children's coloring books with the love of your life while watching a children's movie is one of the most awesome things ever. I consider it an epically amazing bonding experience that everyone should have. It's just plain fun! And what better way is there to show your love for someone than coloring them a pink and purple puppy?? I mean really... :P After Robots came Monster Squad (and snuggling and laughing, YAY!) and then the first two episodes of Pretender (with more snuggling, more yay!). Ok, well... the first episode and a half of Pretender, lol. We both fell asleep during the second episode and woke up some time later to turn it off. The rest of the night was spent snuggling and sleeping. Yes, actually sleeping. That night I slept better than I had in a month. It was like I died or something... I don't think I even moved. It was so massively amazing and I give Chris the credit. He really is an amazing bed partner... in all ways. ;)

My Memory is Fail

So.... my dearest Christopher so lovingly pointed out that my last blog recounting my adventures in Indy was horribly inaccurate. Ok, not horribly inaccurate but I forgot one of the best parts.

When we got back from Suzie's we did not go to bed. No. Not for quite a while. We walked in the door, I turned around, and I was in his arms with his lips on mine. I was a little hazy from the drinking (but not anywhere near drunk) so I was very relaxed and my mind was definitely in an off position (so if I mess this up again please feel free to correct me, love).

I remember his hands sliding around, his lips moving down my neck. I remember the whispered words, "Can I worship you?" "Yes!" I screamed in my mind but it came out as more of a groan. "Will you be my Goddess?" Another affirmative something from me.

I remember clothes being pushed away. Both mine and his.

We wound up on the bed. I don't remember how we got there. My body was almost shaking in anticipation and excitement... I don't know what I expected but what I got was better than anything I could have come up with.

He took his time. Dear God, how he took his time. He stayed away from the obvious pleasure spots but everywhere else was fair game and he attacked my senses with his mouth for the next God only knows how long. The feel of his tongue stroking and tapping against my skin is something I won't be forgetting any time soon. By the time he reached my arms he had barely begun and I was ready to fall apart. I knew I had some sensitive places... but he seemed to know them better than I. To say he drove me crazy is an understatement but anything else just seems fake. By the time he had me roll over I would have begged for him to... But no. He was having none of that. He spent just as much time on my back as he had my front. He made sure to find every sensitive area and noticed every time my reactions changed. He learned everything. No one had ever done something like that before. No one had been that... thorough. I thought that was something that you only read about it silly romance novels. Men don't have the patience for such things. Oh but he definitely did.

For those of you that know me... this next part will shock you beyond your wildest dreams. If you're still reading that is. Sorry, I suppose this is a bit graphic for the public sphere, but hey. It's not really for you, it's for me... and him... so you really don't have to read it.

Anyway. Back to the story. His mouth trailed down my legs. My extremely sensitive legs. If I hadn't orgasmed by now I was about to. Which of course was his goal. To make me cum without using his hands and without going for the obvious areas. As his mouth trailed lower I got nervous. I'm weird about my feet. People do not touch them and I do not touch other people's. That's how this has worked for the past 20 years or so. I didn't say anything though. I figured I would just see what happened and if I couldn't take it I would say something then. I couldn't take it. I couldn't even begin to take it, but not for the reasons that I had thought. We will just leave it at I discovered something new and I was damned happy to find out even if it is kind of uncomfortable to think about.

Actually... I think all of that happened before I turned over... but anyway. I have the events, my timeline just always gets messed up. Sorry. That's why I should have been writing this as I was there. Of course there was no time for such things. ;)

Anywho. It was around that point that my mind had shattered and I was pretty much a mass of sensation.

Whatever happened after that is fuzzy. But I know that that was one of the best, if not the best, experience I'd ever had.

But I really hope that I took care of him after all of that and I'm damning myself to hell that I can't remember. It's ok. Maybe he can save the day with his memory that actually works. =D

Closet Poetry

A rambling poem-type thing that needs no title.

My soul feels empty

My heart feels full

I am lost within myself

I am lost in you

My throat burns

With tears unshed

My heart clings

To memories of you

My body aches

To be touched by you

My life is for you now

We cannot be apart

It's a scary thought

Made scarier because it's true

We are two

Who have made a whole

We are two

Who have filled the holes

Your heart is mine

And mine is yours

Take my body while you're at it

It only sings for you

Take my hand

Don't let go

Don't look down now

Never be afraid

We're flying high

We are the clouds and the stars and the sky

We'll fly with the rainbows and the sparrows

With the doves and the gulls

Our love will makes us infinite

Our love will makes us immortal

There is something in us now

That could never ever die

We will be gods

It'll be just you and me

The world will fade

But never will we

We will exist forever

In the love we have made

And forever shall it be true

That I love you.

The Meeting,

I don't want to forget a moment of my trip to Indy so I'm going to write down as much of it as I can remember now. Hopefully there won't be too many holes.

I got to Springfield around 10pm on Friday. Tiff and I talked and caught up for a few hours and then I laid down. I didn't actually sleep... I might have gotten a couple hours but I was back up by 5 am. It was really good to see her. She's been going through a rough time as of late and I liked being there for her, being able to physically give her a hug.

At 9 that morning Suzie texted me and asked if I was there yet. She and Brandy were already excited and waiting on me; they even called my hotel to see if I could check in early, lol. I gave them the title of creepy stalker friends for that move. Luckily, they at least somewhat understand my humor and didn't take it personally. :)

I left Springfield around noon and headed for Indy. The drive there was torture. I had barely been able to eat for days and I was thankful at that point, if anything had been in my system it surely would have come up, lol. I was texting him the whole way there and we were both getting ridiculously nervous.

I checked into the hotel at 2. As soon as I stepped foot in my room I was fine. The nerves were gone. I was there and everything was fine. I had actually made it and this was actually happening. I called my mother and told her that I had made it safely. My excitement was apparent. After I hung up I jumped into the shower and started the process of getting ready. I had no idea what to wear, lol. I had meant to bring a skirt to greet him at the door in but apparently had forgotten it. I settled on a pair of new jeans and a new, cute shirt. I looked pretty ok. My makeup didn't suck and my hair was behaving. Now I just had to wait.

It was probably another 20-30 minutes before he got there (I get ready fast, even for such important moments). I saw him pull into the parking lot from the window in my room. I smiled as soon as I saw his face and I knew that everything was going to be ok. He looked so cute. And I loved his car. :D A red Camaro. It's always been one of my favorites. He called me and I told him where to park and that I'd come down and get him. As I walked down the stairs my nerves picked up again but I think it was more excitement than anything. I pushed open the door, turned the corner, and there he was, just getting out of his car. When he looked at me his eyes were huge and he looked so frightened! I don't remember what I said... Probably "Hi." followed by some inane rambling about how it was nice to meet him. As I was walking over to his car he looked more and more scared. It was so cute. He had been working with his dad that day so he was in all his work clothes that make him look a lot bulkier than he is. He looked like a dwarf with his beard and the get-up. (Don't ever tell him I said that or I'll kill you!) I found it amazingly cute. He finally shut the door and I asked if I could give him a hug. He was still staring at me with that look on his face. He answered in some form of yes so I ran and threw my arms around his neck. Apparently I was a little too excited. I knocked his glasses all askew and nearly broke his nose. >.< I couldn't help it though! It had to be done!

Anyway. After that near catastrophe we headed upstairs to the room. He put his stuff down and I went and sat on one of the beds. We talked and bantered for a little bit and then he walked over, took my face between his hands and kissed me. It was amazing. I had butterflies in my stomach and when his lips touched mine everything was ok in the world. It sent a little zing through my system.. something I hadn't felt in a very, very long time. If I remember correctly, he pulled back slightly and that was the first time I got to look into his eyes as he told me he loved me.

After that he took his shower while I sat in the bathroom and talked to him. I'd never done that before but with him everything just seemed natural. It was weird in a comforting and amazing kind of way. Everything was just... right. There was no awkwardness, no getting used to each other, no sizing each other up. We just fit. Everything was just... perfect.

I left the bathroom to let him dry off and get dressed. He made it as far as his boxers before he came into the main bedroom and jumped on me while I was laying on the bed. (**Warning, this may get graphic. I'm not a fan of editing myself.)

More kissing.

Touching.

Clothes thrown aside, unneeded.

A bra that never quite made it off. A bra that I had bought just for him. A bra with matching panties that were quickly disposed of.

I remember the way his lips tasted, still wet from his shower.

I remember the feel of his hands running over my body for the first time.... the feel of his mouth on my flesh.

I remember the impatience with which I pushed down his single item of clothing. He didn't need those.

And then... he was inside of me for the first time ever.

I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say that it was amazing and I could not possibly have been happier or more satisfied.

The only negative was that we couldn't stay like that for the rest of the night. We had plans. His friends were expecting us. I'd met him an hour ago and I already had sex hair.

We managed to disentangle ourselves and get dressed. I'm pretty sure we were both glowing around that time. I know I was. I could see the happiness in his eyes. I'd kill to see that every day for the rest of my life.

We made it to Suzie's about an hour late after having to stop at two different stores so he could find the shirt he wanted. I swear... it was like we had been together forever. The way we talked to each other, the way we were together... You never would have guessed that I had just met this man a couple of hours ago. Natural doesn't even begin to cover it. We walked into Suzie's and she met us in the hallway. It was great to finally meet her. She gave me a hug and then Brandy did the same. I met Ron who isn't as scary as everyone said but definitely has more than a little streak of asshole running through him. After the debacle of getting my food (Suzie had made Chicken a la King, something I'd never had before, and apparently I did it wrong. How was I to know the biscuit was supposed to go on the bottom!?) we sat down and ate. It was pretty grand fun. I got to see him interact with his friends and they were all pretty amazing. Everyone was friendly and accepting and reminded me a lot of my own friends back home. We got along just fine. Nicole came in a little later. She didn't say much so I never got the chance to make fun of her or anything. I'm sure everyone was disappointed.

Shortly after dinner everyone started drinking which of course just made everything better. I started late so I wouldn't get too drunk but apparently I caught up pretty quick. We had cherry vodka mixed with lemonade. I was a fan. :D Chris was making a calendar for the baby shower that was the next day as I was sipping on my drink and talking to Brandy. When he came back he had Jager and a Red Bull. I don't know how anyone can drink that stuff (the Red Bull) but he somehow managed it. That was his last drink. He had to drive home and he said he was starting to feel it. He sat over on the little loveseat under the window and got me to come over and sit with him. By then I had had two or three drinks and was on the verge of drunkenness. I ended up laying with my head in his lap as he sent me texts with terribly naughty ideas. I don't know what time we left but I was mostly sober by then.

However, I can't quite remember if we went straight to bed or if there were more sexings once we got to the hotel. I'm pretty sure we just went to bed. I do remember that I didn't sleep much that night. Probably only a couple of hours. I think I was trying to adjust to having someone sleeping beside me. I'm kind of glad I didn't sleep much though, it let me see how he slept and it was so cute. Every time we would drift apart, he would come right back up behind me and hold me close. It made me feel loved and needed and wanted.

He also snores really cutely. :D He never snores for more than a minute and only a couple times through the night and it's all soft and adorable.... Geez... I never thought I'd be one of those people, lol.

But yes. It was amazing and I love him.

This is already a ridiculously long post so I will tell you about the rest of the week later. :)

Look, I Accomplished Something!

Ok. So. I haven't been updating properly, I've just been throwing pieces of myself in here and that's not what I'm supposed to be doing with this. So. Here's me updating properly and attempting to be transparent even though I know there are things I'm going to not say that need to be said. But that's neither here nor there.

So. First things first. Next week I meet C. This means that the week in between will be pure and utter hell. I already can't eat, last night I slept maybe a couple of hours, and I'm worrying about EVERYTHING. I have decided to go and see one of my friends before getting to him and I really think that's going to help. Hopefully she'll be able to distract me so I don't go completely fucking insane. I should get there around 9pm Friday night and will leave around noon on Saturday to finish up the trip. I am nervous as hell. Seriously. I love this man more than I ever thought I could and I am in a more vulnerable position than I ever thought I'd be in. I know that's a good thing but I'm scared as hell. If things don't work out... I don't know what I'll do. I'm having flashbacks to last Spring Break when things seemed to be going so well and then the day I got home I found out that apparently I was the only one who thought so and things fell to pieces. I don't want that to happen again. Honestly, I think as long as I can have him in my life in some way it will be ok... but I really don't even want to contemplate what it would be like if he dropped out of my life completely. The only other time I've come close to feeling like this about another person is when I was with D. And even then we didn't fit nearly as well as C and I do. If we weren't made for each other then life sure is one hell of a coincidental ride. So this is me being positive and hopeful. Because I really think everything is going to be ok. It kinda has to be.

Next on the list. My sister moved to Oregon. The day before they moved the job in TN opened up so theoretically, if they had been a bit more patient, they could be back here. But no. Whatever. Maybe it will work out for them. I hope so, but I'm also rather pissed about it all. I miss her, dammit. I haven't seen her since August and I just fucking miss her. She's also going to be giving birth in a few months and with her that far away I really don't think I'm going to be able to be there for it. I've already missed her wedding, why must I miss the birth of my niece as well?? I know life isn't fair but I'm really not a fan.

Moving on. My grandmother is still in the hospital. She had to go to the emergency room a couple days ago and the only thing I've heard since then is that she's doing better and is back in either a regular hospital room or a nursing home. I will try to find out more tomorrow.

Today I hung out with two of my very best friends for a while and that helped me more than you can possibly imagine. I was so down in the dumps yesterday and this morning (thanks to a lack of sleep and doing poorly on a quiz) that I just really needed them. We (and by we I mean they >.<) made vegetarian nachos and they were absolutely fantastic. The only down side is that's all I ate today. Well. That and a Frosty but that hardly counts. Hopefully tomorrow I will find the motivation to clean my kitchen and make some turkey burgers. And maybe go to the store and pick up a bag of fries to go with. That would be nummy. But yes. The point. I love my friends dearly and they dug me out of my hole today exactly when I needed them. They rock like that.

I think that's about it really. No complaints, no major panicking, no freaking out. Life is good and I need to make sure I remember this more often. And hell, even if worse comes to worse and C hates me or it just doesn't work, I will press on and continue about saving the world... somehow... because that's just how I roll. :)

I don't know why you think I'm great.

Today sucked.

C and I fought over the only 2 things we ever fight about and I cried. I'm trying so hard... but we're just not on the same page on these two issues apparently and I don't know what to do about it. One of them is at least mostly my fault because I don't trust him like I should. I'm trying so hard and I know that he would never do any of the things that my mind comes up with. I know this. I do. He's had a sketchy past but I know he's in this all the way. But god.... I can't fucking get past this shit. I expect people to fuck me over. I expect them to let me down. I expect them to do things they say you won't. I expect them to hate me. I really do. I don't know why he doesn't hate me, honestly. I freak the fuck out whenever he flirts with someone else. He's a flirt. I'm a flirt. We know this. It's just how it is. I can't fucking handle it. I should be able to. I don't know what's so incredibly wrong with me that I can't do this but I'm really not a fan. I'm just insecure and paranoid and I really just want to fucking trust him. He deserves it. He hasn't done anything, not really. He's been totally honest with me and put up with my constant paranoia and I just know he loves me and I know that he couldn't love anyone the way he loves me.

*sigh*

I hate being me sometimes. I really do.

Back on Track

I've gotten out of the habit of posting regularly and that makes me a little sad. I like to pretend that it matters and it definitely helps.

School is off to a good start. I don't think I'm going to be as overwhelmed as I initially thought. They aren't assigning massive amounts of reading at one time and that's helpful. I already want to beat French over the head with a hammer though. Those fucking listening sections stress me out. Like.... whoa. Yeah. Social Justice is going to be extremely helpful I think. I've been floundering about my future career and yeah... I think this might help. At least it will keep me motivated. I am, however, getting a little sucked into the thought that there is too much to do and I'm not going to be able to put a dent into it... but I still have to try, right? Right?.... Yeah. I'm also taking History of Modern Philosophy (Honors Section, ouch). We're reading Descartes's Meditations right now. He's not as bad as I was afraid he would be but I'm not into the meat of it yet. Judgement suspended. Let's see... oh yes, the other class is Argumentation and Debate. It'll be a breeze really. I may end up chopping some heads off of people but I should have a solid A.

Stuff with C is going well. Yesterday was really rocky due to a huge freak-out on my part but we talked it out and I think the problem is solved. He listens and he doesn't ridicule, even when I'm being ridiculous. I'm going to marry him. Just sayin.

Other than that... I'm... ok. I can feel stress knocking at the door but it hasn't actually hit yet. I need to get my butt in gear and email potential speakers for this semester's Amnesty events. I might make the secretary do it... I'm more of a planner. I fail as a doer. We're having 4 lectures and a write-o-thon this semester. It's going to be epic awesome. We're doing some stuff with LGBT rights and Global Health. Pretty excited. We even had a couple new people show up to last week's meeting. It was very exciting. :)

Um.... I think that's it really. I'm trying to keep a cool head and not freak too much and not get stressed. So far so good. I'm even succeeding with not pouring out all my lovey-dovey feelings for C here. That kinda makes me happy... I refuse to lose myself in this relationship while at the same time committing myself totally and completely. I won't hide from him. I won't hide anything. I don't want him to hide anything. But I will always be me. Always. I won't change for anyone. More importantly, he doesn't want me to. I consider this a very good sign. We're going to make it. Just sayin. :)

Well. That is all folks. Tune in next time for more exciting (and by that I mean dull) updates!

One Step Forward

I just booked my hotel.

My hands are shaking and I am a wreck. I was hyperventilating a moment ago....

What if I go out there and it ruins everything? What if it just doesn't work?

There's so much you don't have to deal with over the internet... what if we don't mesh in person? What if it really is just imaginary?

I think I'm going to be sick......

Bedtime

I love that it takes 15 minutes for us to say good night. ... every night. :) I know I'm in the honeymoon stage but I love it. I have to get back to reality soon and I'm going to cling to these days spent with him. I hope he does the same.

It's a Two-Way Street

c: i have a weird love for you
c: like i don't want to live without you in mym life
c: like i'd rather be dead than without you
me: well that's weird. I have a very similar feeling toward you.
c: and it's kinda fucked up
c: and a part of me really doesn't like it
c: because... it's unnatural
me: I'm sorry.
c: it's out of my comfort zone
c: and it's scary
c: i trust you
c: i don't trust people

me: C...
me: I'm terrified.
c: of?
me: I just thought you should know that.
me: of all the bad things that could happen and make me lose you.
c: you're stuck with my fat ugly ass
me: I just don't want you to think you're alone in your fears....

..........................................................................................................................................................

It feels good to know that I'm not the only one who's afraid.

It also feels good to know that he cares enough to have those kinds of fears.

I'm still scared.... but I feel better.

Those Damn Cows....

Today was a REALLY good day!! I don't know why, but I have been extremely happy all day and it has just been grand.

I talked to C pretty much from the time I woke up to the time he went to bed (about 5 minutes ago) and it was just grand. I'm going to marry him. I just decided. Well, not really (about the just deciding part... I already knew), but he said we could have the library/study that I want (because it's what he's wanted too) and that's pretty much all I need in life. :D.... again, I kid. But still. That's important stuff!

I'm also listening to Owl City as I'm writing this. That automatically makes the happy factor increase by like 7 trillion. If you haven't looked him up yet you should.

There are lots of parenthetical things going on in this blog. Odd.

The new blog with Alison is going well. Here's to hoping we keep it up. Unlike the soap... and the candles... and whatever else we started to do. We really are entrepreneurs of great ideas. We just really need the follow-though, lol.

That's all I've got for you today!

Happy New Year's Eve!

OH! And I think I figured out that it's dairy that's making me sick. Testing will be done.

C

My heart hurts. He just went to bed and I already miss him. I've turned into one of *those* girls. /sigh I don't want to be one of *those* girls. I'm not, not really. But if I think about how much I care for him I'll get scared and run away and I definitely don't want that. I'm ready for March to be here already. I want to get this meeting thing done so that I can put both our minds to rest and we can move on with things. I want us to both be sure and the only way to really do that is to meet. I do so wish I could just leave now and run up there for a couple days. I would dearly love that. I've just gotten so much closer to him over the past couple weeks. I really didn't know that we could get on this well. I think we needed our first tumultuous affair so that we could both grow and end up where we are now. We've both changed quite a bit since the summer, that's for sure. I'm getting to the point where I think I would be utterly crushed if he were to just leave... but I'm also to the point where logically, I don't think it will happen. We've been able to openly talk about things that I wouldn't have even thought about talking to him about in the past. He's been able to relieve all of my fears (not that there are that many) and that in itself has been a godsend.

I just *sigh*. I love him. Beyond that, I can actually see it working long term without that much of a stretch of the imagination. I know that no one else really gets it... but no one else really sees what I see when I look at him and very few people get to see the sides of him that I've seen.

I'm going "home" in a couple days. It's always stressful when I'm there and we don't get to talk as much which makes me massively sad and I'm already getting sad just thinking about it. I'll get to see 4 of my best friends though and that's worth it.

The moral of the story: Turns out I do know what it means to love.