Those Damn Cows....

Today was a REALLY good day!! I don't know why, but I have been extremely happy all day and it has just been grand.

I talked to C pretty much from the time I woke up to the time he went to bed (about 5 minutes ago) and it was just grand. I'm going to marry him. I just decided. Well, not really (about the just deciding part... I already knew), but he said we could have the library/study that I want (because it's what he's wanted too) and that's pretty much all I need in life. :D.... again, I kid. But still. That's important stuff!

I'm also listening to Owl City as I'm writing this. That automatically makes the happy factor increase by like 7 trillion. If you haven't looked him up yet you should.

There are lots of parenthetical things going on in this blog. Odd.

The new blog with Alison is going well. Here's to hoping we keep it up. Unlike the soap... and the candles... and whatever else we started to do. We really are entrepreneurs of great ideas. We just really need the follow-though, lol.

That's all I've got for you today!

Happy New Year's Eve!

OH! And I think I figured out that it's dairy that's making me sick. Testing will be done.

Sunshine

I feel much better today! No one is telling me their going to kill themselves and there has been no emergency within my family that I wasn't told about. That automatically makes it awesomer.

In fact... I love everyone again! YAY! I knew you were worried, my one little reader.... and I love you the mostest! :)

I think I'm going to clean and maybe work out. *pauses for the gasps* And then... I'm going to play WoW. See, everything is still normal after all. =D

Just Feelings. They Mean Nothing.

I'm always going to be the black sheep.
I'm always going to be the one no one can understand.
I'm always going to be the last to know.

I feel like I've lost my sister.
I feel like... I just feel like... crying.

I hate feeling so isolated.
I hate that I love someone I can't touch.
I hate... everything... and nothing.
I hate that I only have one person who is close enough to me to hug me when I need it.

I hate being alone.
I hate that no one thinks I can understand.
I hate that no one will tell me what's really going on.
I hate that I'm crying right now.

I hate that I love my family when they don't act like they love me back.
I hate that I still love the people who almost killed me.

I'm overreacting.
I don't care.
It hurts.
It's allowed to hurt and I'm going to let it.

I hate that everyone is getting closer and I'm getting shoved to the side.
I hate that their religious beliefs dictate their lives.
I hate.... I just hate. I hate it all.

But.....
I don't hate me.
And that's what matters.
I know that I am absolutely who I want to be.
I know that I am exactly what I need to be.

And we'll leave it at that.

C

My heart hurts. He just went to bed and I already miss him. I've turned into one of *those* girls. /sigh I don't want to be one of *those* girls. I'm not, not really. But if I think about how much I care for him I'll get scared and run away and I definitely don't want that. I'm ready for March to be here already. I want to get this meeting thing done so that I can put both our minds to rest and we can move on with things. I want us to both be sure and the only way to really do that is to meet. I do so wish I could just leave now and run up there for a couple days. I would dearly love that. I've just gotten so much closer to him over the past couple weeks. I really didn't know that we could get on this well. I think we needed our first tumultuous affair so that we could both grow and end up where we are now. We've both changed quite a bit since the summer, that's for sure. I'm getting to the point where I think I would be utterly crushed if he were to just leave... but I'm also to the point where logically, I don't think it will happen. We've been able to openly talk about things that I wouldn't have even thought about talking to him about in the past. He's been able to relieve all of my fears (not that there are that many) and that in itself has been a godsend.

I just *sigh*. I love him. Beyond that, I can actually see it working long term without that much of a stretch of the imagination. I know that no one else really gets it... but no one else really sees what I see when I look at him and very few people get to see the sides of him that I've seen.

I'm going "home" in a couple days. It's always stressful when I'm there and we don't get to talk as much which makes me massively sad and I'm already getting sad just thinking about it. I'll get to see 4 of my best friends though and that's worth it.

The moral of the story: Turns out I do know what it means to love.

Freaks

We are freaks we follow the code of freaks

We are freaks stand back and that's that

We are freak we fuck who we please and do what we choose

We look bad we're not disease or confused

We are freaks we are butch we are fem

We are freaks look at him look at them

We are freaks I know this guy who can suck his own dick

And my mother has a friend who has 3 tits

T-t-t-true story

We are freaks we follow the code of freaks

We are freaks stand back and that's that

We are freaks we fuck who we please and do what we choose

We look bad we're not disease or confused

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

And then I thought I was a freak when I shaved my head and I pierced my dick

Walks like a lumberjack and talks like a lady

With the flannel shirt, steel toe boots, Levi's faded

All hail

She's the king, she's the queen

All hail of the freaks, all the freaks on the scene

From the Bows of the Bowery to the bustle of Bombay

She's the bearded lady of Avenue A

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

That's the way God planned it

That the way

All hail

She's the king, she's the queen

All hail of the freaks, all the freaks on the scene

From the Bows of the Bowery to the bustle of Bombay

She's the bearded lady of Avenue A

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

...................................................................................................................

From Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Je l'adore.

Hedwig

I dunno.

Nothing to report. Just... *sigh* Bored. Restless. Whatever.

I'm going home Tuesday. I don't really want to. =/

*sigh*

Snow Day

I don't feel like writing tonight but I'm trying to write every day.

Today was good. I went to the doctor. No new medicine, have to see a psychologist about relaxation techniques, going back in two weeks. I'm going to have my own parking spot there soon.

Went to the library <3 Got Hogfather and The Truth by Terry Pratchett. :)

It's snowing. We have 3ish inches thus far. :)

Good day. :)

Funnel Cake <3

2 of the FemSex girls added me on Facebook today. :) I consider this a good sign. One of them also mentioned getting back together soon... so yay!

In other news.... I think... C and I may be together. Yeah, one of those. I mean... I wouldn't really consider dating anyone else but there was no "Hey, would you be my girlfriend?" moment. Until that moment, I don't consider us actually together... And I'm thinking that he wants to wait until we meet which make tons of sense and I pretty much agree.

I also met a semi-interesting girl tonight. We will see where that goes. Maybe at least a semi-cool friend. Maybe. *shrug*

Speedway in Lights was tonight. We also went to the little fair at the end which made me unbelievably happy. :D Funnel cake + Strawberry ride = Epic, epic win.

That is all. G'night folks.

Fini!!!!!!!

I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It absolutely sucked, but it's done. Pretty sure the lowest grade I can get for the class is a B anyway so I'm not sure why I'm stressing as much as I am...

That's a lie. I want an A. I reeeeeeeeeeally want an A and I think I deserve.... a B+. But still. I want an A, dammit. I really did try... and I went to that damn conference and then he made me write another paper even though he said I wouldn't have to if I did the conference. /sigh

But regardless! It's done!!!!!! I'm freeeeeeeeeee!

I also made an A on my French oral exam today. She said I had done the best of anyone else thus far and I was one of the last to go. :D Happy!!!!

For the first time ever I have all of my stuff done on time and it feels grand. I still say the paper sucked but it doesn't matter! It's emailed and it's done! I'm done saying done, I promise.

*sigh* Happy. :) That is all.

I'm Sad.

My last FemSex class was tonight. =/ I'm really going to miss it. It was nice to have a place to go and get to talk to a group of women about everything that goes along with being a woman. It was nice to pretend they were my friends and that they cared as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure some of them did care, but I know they all didn't. I was really hoping that by the end of the class I would have become friends with a couple of these people. It didn't happen. I mean... I would still love to... but... yeah... I fail at making friends with people. I don't know how to do it. And no one approached me and asked if I wanted to hang or anything so yeah... whatever.

I did, however, suggest that we all get back together and make FemSex into a student organization so that we could all keep in touch. I'm going to do my best to make sure that happens next semester. Maybe there's still hope. Maybe.

I'm sad for other reasons as well. I haven't talked to anyone except C for a couple days now and while he's generally good company when he's not... he's REALLY not. Last night he was not. He got upset about something, not having anyone to talk to maybe, but then wouldn't talk about it. That drives me batty. It also made me sad because I knew he was sad but I couldn't help him. Anyway, when I went to bed I ended up writing some crappy poetry. I haven't put it on my computer yet but I will... sometime. I might even post it.

I also miss A. She doesn't seem too happy either and I haven't talked to her much in a couple days which is just really... unusual. I haven't seen her since.... Sunday? Saturday? I don't remember but it has really been too long. Life is just not complete without her. Which is probably bad... but... I'm not going to try to change that. I think she'll stick around, at least for a while.

/sigh

I just... I dunno. I need to work on my paper. I need to figure out what the hell my paper is going to be about. Anywho... 'til next time.

Hogfather Quotables

If you haven't read or watched Terry Pratchett's "Hogfather" you need to. Immediately. Go to Blockbuster and rent it and then go buy the book from Amazon.

If it isn't obvious... I absolutely adore this movie. :)

Quotes from the movie:

Narrator: Everything starts somewhere, though many physicists disagree.

Susan: [Susan is reading the fairy tale "Jack and the beanstalk" to children] And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement and trespass charges already mentioned and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy any more. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done. Which proves that you can be excused just about anything if you're a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.

Narrator: (About Susan) She'd become a governess. It was one of the few jobs a known lady could do. And she'd taken to it well. She'd sworn that if she did indeed ever find herself dancing on rooftops with chimney sweeps she'd beat herself to death with her own umbrella.

Mr. Teatime: Children of the world, prepare to think as you are told.

Death: [half-heartedly] Ho, ho, ho.
Albert: No, no, no! It needs to be more jolly; put some life into it... oh, no offense, sir...

Death: Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know, that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom.

Death: Humans need fantasy to *be* human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.

Death: It's a sword, it's not meant to be safe.
Albert: But she's a child! What if she cuts herself?
Death: That would be an important lesson.

Susan: Hello inner child, I'm the inner babysitter.

Lord Downey: Mr. Teatime, are you telling me you have actually sat down and given thought into how to inhume Death?
Teatime: Everyone has a weakness sir

Lord Downey: (About Mr. Teatime) We took pity on him because he'd lost both parents at an early age. I think that, on reflection, we should have wondered a bit more about that.

Death: You might very well think that I'd already thought of that, but I couldn't possibly comment.

Narrator: (About the Unseen University Professors) They were grown men, or at least had lived for several decades, which in some societies is considered the same thing.

Narrator: Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Computer: +++ Divide By Cucumber Error. Please Reinstall Universe And Reboot +++.

Death: Mere accumulation of observational evidence is not proof.

Death: It gets under your skin, life, speaking metaphorically of course. It's a habit that's hard to give up. One puff of breath is never enough. You'll find you want to take another.

Narrator: Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.

Narrator: The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head.

You Annoy Me

• People really fucking annoy me.
• Gender roles really fucking annoy me.
• People actually buying into the gender roles annoys me even more.
• Generalizations annoy me more than words can say.
• People in relationships annoy me.
• People who just broke up annoy me.
• Anyone who broadcasts their drama on social networks really fucking annoys me.
• People who just don't care about humanity annoy the fuck out of me.
• Unruly children make me want to shoot their parents.
• The fact that I have to shop at WalMart because it has the cheapest shit and I'm fucking broke makes me want to shoot a nonexistent God.
• Speaking of, religious zealots annoy me more than anything else on this list.
• Blogs about make-up and hair annoy me.
• Women who live up to their stereotypical expectations make me want to punch them in the face.
• Teenage girls should also be punched in the face.
• Teenage boys should be rounded up and put in a pen until they learn how to be functional humans.
• People who are obsessed with anime and think everyone else should be too are mental.
• Mothers who put make-up on their 3 year olds and parade them around in outfits that I STILL wouldn't wear as a 21 year old should also be shot.
• People who have more children than they can afford to take care of (monetarily, emotionally, physically, etc.) should have had their reproductive organs removed at an early age.
• My neighbors annoy the fuck out of me.
• My landlord is a pain in my ass and annoys the ever-living fuck out of me.
• People who don't say "Thank you." annoy me.
• People who type like tHiS or THIS or th!5 or anything else that makes no fucking sense should not be allowed near a keyboard.

I'm just annoyed today. I don't know why and I don't particularly care why, I just want to get the fuck over it. Everyone is annoying me for no good reason and I have a lot of shit to do.

My medicine also isn't working. I still haven't slept through the night and I'm really fucking tired.

I talked to the guy I wrote about last night (we'll call him D) a few minutes ago. We were talking about video games, as usual, lol. There are a couple of games that he's been playing and I really want to check them out: Dragon Age Origins and Aion.

That's not the point of this blog though.

Somehow we got onto the subject of women's anatomy. Oh yes, I mentioned my discovery that I have a preference for smaller breasts. A discussion ensued, of course. Anyway... while we were talking I just kept getting pangs of jealousy/longing/what-the-fuck-ever and I was just wishing that... I don't know what I was wishing. I guess I was hoping he would still be attracted to me or something... or that he would make some comment about my anatomy in particular. I know it doesn't particularly matter and that it's not a big deal, but the point of this blog is for me to be honest with myself so that's what I'm doing. I'm not even *that* attracted to him really but every time I see his picture my stomach does that little flip.

I feel myself growing attached to C again. He has been more.... something the last couple of days. We're always flirty or just down right sexual but he's been more.. intimate? Can you be intimate through text? I guess so... so yeah. Intimate. I care for him and he cares for me but I have absolutely no idea where it's going. None. Not the slightest. I haven't a clue what he wants and asking him questions about it is never a good idea. I hope to see him in a few months... maybe then I'll know. I hope so.

Also... I need to be with a woman. I realized this during the course of my discussion with D, not that I didn't already know that, I just realized it was a more pressing need than I thought. The problem of course is that I haven't the slightest idea how to approach women romantically (still). Do they teach a class on this? If not, I'm writing a memo. It is necessary.

In other news, I don't think the meds are working. :( *sigh* Maybe it'll just take more than a day, lol.

That is all for today. Thank you for tuning in and have a wonderful night.

Haunted Past

I feel idiotic... Thus... I must post.

*sigh*

It's stupid, obviously. It's always stupid. Everything I put in the fucking blog is stupid. Whatever. That's not the point.

[insert name here] posted a photo album on Facebook of her kids, one of whom was my significant other for, on and off, 2 or 3 years through high school and the last year of college. There were 2 photos of me in that album with him. One was tagged "Best Friends" (this photo I know was taken when we were dating) and the other, "[insert name here] and his friend, [my name], at graduation" (at this point we were best friends). There were pictures in there of him with 4 other girls... all of whom were labeled as his girlfriend at the time. I mean, I know that he and I are still friends and that our relationship is hella complicated but it just took me back to the days when I was a secret. I still hate thinking about that time of my life. Those days were in turn fantastic and the worst of my short life. It still haunts me... not often... but when it does, it hurts. That album just reminded me that his family will probably always see me as [insert name here]'s Secret-Girlfriend-That-We-Don't-Talk-About. I just hate it... all of it. I hate the way I used to be and I hate the way I let him treat me. I really hate the way he used to be and I hate that I'll never be able to fully trust him again. Most of all, I hate that no matter what, I will always love him. I don't think I have ever loved anyone like I love(d) him. He is my weakness. I know now... or at least I think I know... that he and I will not be together. He is no longer everything I want and I'm sure I'm not everything he wants. He's no longer the only guy I've enjoyed having in my bed and again, I'm sure he could say the same. But he is the one I loved with everything I had. He is the one who whispered in my ear at the exact right time, the exact right thing. I miss him. I miss our relationship so much. No... I miss the good times of our relationship. I still hate the overall relationship. I can't say I wouldn't do it again though... because really... I love him. I know that I have the capacity to love another person forever because of him.

I don't know what I would do if the opportunity presented itself today to be with him again... I really don't. I can intellectualize it all I want but the fact that I know that I will never not love him remains. The fact that he has the ability to make me feel better than anyone else has ever made me feel remains. I guess maybe what I really want is to find someone who can give me all the good that he gave me without the bad memories and feelings attached. I really, really want that.

*cries*

Irrationality of Fear

I'm going to bed. I'm not happy about it and frankly, I'm quite scared. I'm hoping that exhaustion will force me to sleep quickly and to sleep through the night. I really have nothing else to say... just... I'm still scared. *sigh*

Sleepless in JC

Last night was terrible... it was completely and utterly terrible. I don't expect anyone to understand because I know how it sounds, I know that it seems silly but regardless, it's affecting me deeply and I don't know what to do about it.

I haven't been sleeping through the night, not for a while. It seems that I always wake up sometime around 4 o'clock in the morning. Usually it's not a huge deal, I just toss and turn for a little while and then go back to sleep. I may or may not wake up 7 more times between then and the time I need to get up in the morning. If that were the only problem I could deal with it. Not a big deal. The problem, which is also the root of why I expect anyone to start laughing at me, is that I keep having flashbacks to Paranormal Activity. Every single night when I cross the threshold into my room I get a flashback. I have to read or watch TV up until I am so exhausted that I can fall asleep and then I have to leave the TV on so that it will block out any weird noises and will provide some light. I then have to sleep with my back towards the wall so I can see everything in the room. I usually fall asleep after about half an hour and when I wake up at 4 the TV is off (I have it on a sleep timer so as not to waste too much electricity) and I have a mild moment of panic when the thoughts start racing in. Therefore, the TV comes back on and generally I fall back to sleep without too many issues. Last night though... last night that didn't happen. Last night I woke up at 4:14 and then I was so overcome with thoughts of the movie that I was literally paralyzed with fear. I could barely move in my bed and the thought of leaving my bed was even worse. I just couldn't get over it. If you think I don't realize that it's all in my head and that I should be able to just control it you're insane. I know all of this. No matter what I did, I couldn't get the thoughts and memories to leave my head, thus why I say I don't know what the fuck to do. I was up last night for 3 hours. I called a friend that I knew would be up just to get me out of my paralyzed state. He talked to me for a couple of hours and it really helped but it didn't fix the problem entirely. I know that none of this is helped by where I live. People are up at all hours, they are always loud, and basically there's always some kind of noise in my apartment from somewhere else.

I don't know what to do. I already said that... but I feel so hopeless. I just want to sleep. I know I'm only emotional because of lack of sleep but I feel insane. This movie effected my way too much. How do I undo that? It's stupid. I know it is.. but regardless of that I've got to do something to fix it and it's not something where I can just take control of my mind. If I could I wouldn't have been up for hours last night wishing for sleep. For now, I'm going to see if I can make up some of the lost hours, but I doubt it. I can't sleep during the day... I never could. *sigh*

A Full Day

Today has been... interesting. I had a doctor's appointment today in which the doctor told me to leave and come back in a couple months. I was rather annoyed seeing as today is my day off and I could have wasted my morning away doing whatever I wanted... or cleaning. Whichever.

After my appointment I went to meet someone that I met on an online dating site. It was somewhat fun, I got to swing in the rain! It was grand. :) He didn't enjoy it as much seeing as it was quite cold... and wet... but whatever. I got my enjoyment. He made a couple of references to being attracted to me and wanting some kind of physical thing between us but I just really wasn't into it. Then again, I'm not really into it with anyone anymore. I dunno... At times the thought of sex literally repulses me. I told him that and you should have seen the look on his face, lol. It was great. I believe in total honesty though so he might as well know up front that I'm probably never going to want to sleep with him. On the bright side, he does have connections to a certain substance that a friend and I have been wanting to get our hands on... so... :D Just sayin.

I also had FemSex tonight. We talked about violation of boundaries. It was tough and got pretty emotional but I held it together. I was rather proud of myself actually. There was one girl there that I just wanted to hug the whole time. I knew she was having a tough time and I've so been there. I remember it well. I offered help to her in any way that she needed or wanted including to stay at my place if she ran out of other options or anything. I feel a kind of kinship with her... dunno if she reciprocates or not. Anywho, at the end of class we were talking about how we were kind of sad that it was coming to an end and we wanted some way to be able to stay in touch with each other so I suggested that we make FemSex not just a class on campus but also an organization for the girls who do want to stay in touch and maybe sponsor a couple of events on campus every year. They all thought it was a really idea so now I'm uber excited. :D

As I was leaving class tonight one of my friends and exes called. He and I have been slowly getting back in touch over the past several weeks and he was upset because of the ending of his current relationship. First I'll say I'm not thinking (seriously) of going back to him but I would dearly love to get close to him again. He and I literally used to be the best of friends whether we were dating or not. We've had quite a tumultuous relationship but it's always leveled out somehow. He works in a town about an hour and a half from here on the weekends so I told him he could stay here this weekend if he wanted to save him a few hours of driving time. It should be great to get to see him again. The last time I saw him we weren't really on very good terms.

Other than that the only thing on my mind at the moment is that I would love to just relax and talk to someone. It seems that today everyone has needed something from me or I have felt the need to help them in some way and I really just wanna calm down and chill with someone who doesn't need anything from me. I should have done that with the swing guy but I am always uneasy meeting someone new... so... yeah. Oh well. I'll find a way to unwind.

Lonelies

Y'know... I think it's kinda fucked up how alone I feel right now. I was there for them when they needed me and I think it's funny that they don't even know that I need them. I think it's funny that they can't see anything past what I directly tell them. I think it's fucked up that I would do anything within my power to lessen the pain of someone I loved and I certainly wouldn't let them be along. Or would I? Am I as blind as everyone else? Do I accept the masks of happiness or whatever and just go on my way?

I hope not but I'm afraid I have with one. It's like she just disappeared from my life and that's really not ok. I haven't really let it get to me or anything because up until now I haven't really felt the alone-ness. I've had the best friend to distract me from anything I didn't want to face but it was brought to my attention a little while ago that it's possible that I've just allowed someone who I used to consider to be my best friend to just slip away without even putting up a fight. I only have a week to rectify the situation but I intend to do so.

I'm also still in awe of how stupid I have been in regards to this one guy. I mean... wow. How many times will I go down that road? I have fallen for him at least three times now. This last time wasn't really so bad. At least now I'm aware of where I was going and that he was not on the same track. It stings but it doesn't really hurt... not right now anyway.

I do wish I could find someone to try a relationship with. I haven't had a relationship with someone who I was actually around in a long while. My past several people were all in a different state. *sigh* I hate sounding like every other girl. I hate sounding like I need a relationship to be complete or some shit and that's definitely not the case. I have been happily single for a while and now I'm just ready to try to have a serious relationship that isn't just about dicking around. I want to say "I love you." to someone and know that it's true. I don't throw that word around like a lot of people seem to; I only say it when I really feel that I'm in love. The last person that told me that he loved me never heard it back from me... It just wasn't the right fit and I knew it. I don't waste my time and I don't waste anyone else's time. I'm a straight to the point kind of person and I like that about myself. I don't talk in circles and I hate it when people do.

Anyway... I just feel alone, that's all. I don't really know who to reach out to anymore. I'm not sure where to turn so I guess that's when you turn inward and try to figure out what it is you need. I know that's what my counselor would say. I hate talking to myself. I hate knowing what I'm feeling. *sigh* I don't want to and I'm not going to. Not yet anyway.

That is all. :)

Typical Introductory Post

I have yet again started a new blog. This one really is just for me. I currently have nowhere to go to vent *all* of my true feelings and I have decided that that is utterly necessary. Some things are building up and I need a safe place to put them. Therefore, I will not be posting any identifying information.

Just in case someone does find this, please feel free to talk to me. It would be nice to have some anonymous friends that I don't have to worry about finding out who I am or anything. However, if you see something here that makes you hate me or anything of the kind then please have the decency to just go to another site. No one is forcing you to read anything here.

For now, I'm just going to finish setting up this site and maybe play more Warcraft. This weekend has been really weird and I don't know that I want to talk about it right now. Maybe later.