/startblog

I feel... useless. Just totally useless. I haven't done anything of worth today. I haven't even really talked to anyone today. Not really anyway. I need to start getting out of my house and doing things that need to get done. I just hate going out alone. For anything. I hate going out period. I don't like people. I don't like driving through town. I don't like people.

God... I really hate me sometimes. I wish I could be as rational as I pretend to be.

Days like today remind me how alone I am. I have a total of one close friend here now. I find myself pathetic. I can't depend on anyone else to motivate me to do this shit. I need to just do it. But tomorrow will be the same. And so will the day after that. I'd rather just lay in bed all day... no... strike that. I hate wasting the day away. I despise it. That's what's making everything worse...

Meh. This post doesn't make sense. Big surprise. I'm just... I'm happy... But... I'm not happy at the same time. I'm not content. That's it; I'm happy but I'm not content. I'm not alone but I'm lonely as hell.

I just feel so... unimportant now. I'm not needed here...

/endblog

Losing Sucks

The Colts lost.

I shouldn't be so upset about this... but I am. This is the first time I've ever *actually* given a shit about a team. It just sucks. Whatever.

I'm going to bed.

Just Feelings. They Mean Nothing.

I'm always going to be the black sheep.
I'm always going to be the one no one can understand.
I'm always going to be the last to know.

I feel like I've lost my sister.
I feel like... I just feel like... crying.

I hate feeling so isolated.
I hate that I love someone I can't touch.
I hate... everything... and nothing.
I hate that I only have one person who is close enough to me to hug me when I need it.

I hate being alone.
I hate that no one thinks I can understand.
I hate that no one will tell me what's really going on.
I hate that I'm crying right now.

I hate that I love my family when they don't act like they love me back.
I hate that I still love the people who almost killed me.

I'm overreacting.
I don't care.
It hurts.
It's allowed to hurt and I'm going to let it.

I hate that everyone is getting closer and I'm getting shoved to the side.
I hate that their religious beliefs dictate their lives.
I hate.... I just hate. I hate it all.

But.....
I don't hate me.
And that's what matters.
I know that I am absolutely who I want to be.
I know that I am exactly what I need to be.

And we'll leave it at that.

Hedwig

I dunno.

Nothing to report. Just... *sigh* Bored. Restless. Whatever.

I'm going home Tuesday. I don't really want to. =/

*sigh*