Mondays - They Aren't All Bad

Ok, dearies, we are ready to move on to Day Two of my trip to Indy. I know you're excited. :)

After our morning sexings, which I will not go into detail about because... well... it's none of your business and I have probably said too much about that already, and took our shower, yes, together ... Actually that deserves a little commenting. I had taken a shower with one other person in my life that was not a sibling. This was a wholly different experience, and no, I don't mean like that, you pervs. It was just... nice. It was fun actually. Other than the fact that he likes his water freakishly hot (;)) everything was just... yeah... fun... You may as well know that he looks epically cute in the shower. Like... seriously. It's one of the few times where we would just be standing there in front of each other talking and such. He's a little shorter than I and he has this way of just looking up at me with his eyes all wide and questioning (especially when he's doubting himself over something he definitely should not be questioning) and it seriously makes my heart melt. He would stand there, hands behind his back, looking up at me like that and I would just have to hug him. Apparently water makes everything awesomer and our slick, wet shower hugs were the greatest.

After the epicness of the shower, we made our way through the church traffic to Pizza Hut. Our first "eating out" experience. It was pretty much awesome. Then again, I thought all of our firsts were pretty much awesome... as were all the subsequent events, lol. While we were there a huge group of crazy Christians came in, fresh from church, and I had to seriously resist talking loudly about sex and such. I think I still may have slipped in a few comments but I don't think I embarrassed him too badly. :D Random fact. He eats pizza with a fork. Weirder, without even thinking about it, I ate my pizza with a fork. I used to do it all the time when I was younger (I literally had to teach myself how to just pick up a piece of pizza and eat it) and apparently being around him just brought back that side of me, lol. It was kinda cute. What's also awesome is that he didn't put any dead animals on the pizza. :D That is love, my friends.

From there, we made our way to Holliday Park (which I got to use my GPS to find :D). I loooooooove parks. He was mildly (and by mildly I mean not mildly at all) freaking out about some issue with his car that of course wasn't an issue at all. Silly boy. He should have just listened to me but whatever. :D

The park... was... GRAND! He had to go potty and that led us on an epic adventure because I, of course, just started walking toward the closest building ... or at least the first one I saw... and assumed there would be restrooms. He was all, "I've never been over here before. I don't think they have bathrooms." But of course I knew better and drug him along. :D Turns out that I was, of course, correct. But even better! Not only did this building have restrooms but it had like... actual exhibits and stuffs including some rather epic photography. We wandered about and discovered everything there was to discover there and found a path leading out of the back door. We followed one of the trails. After a few minutes walk (part of which was over wet stone... not so good for the accident prone, but I managed) we wound up at this... pond-like thing. For those of you who have seen The Labyrinth, imagine the Bog of Eternal Stench... just how it looked, not the smell. It was feckin' epic. There was a bench beside said Bog so we sat for a bit and just enjoyed the view and the company. Well... that and talked about how great it would be if the kids running about on the gnoll to our right would get a little too close to the edge and go tumbling down. =D Anywho. After that we walked some more and found an actual lake-type thing to stand and stare at. Yes, I really do actually like doing these things, lol. There were too many people around and they were closing in on us so we moved along rather quickly. Unfortunately around that point is started drizzling and I'm just not a fan of rain so we headed back up the trail. We won't talk about his smoker's lungs at this point, lol. Again... silly boy. By the time we had climbed back up the hill and such it had all but stopped with the rain so we wandered around the... ruins... for lack of a better word for a moment before heading back to the car.

Let's see... from there we wandered over to WalMart to pick up provisions for the week. It was weird... in a really awesome way that made me happy. We were having our first truly domestic experience... grocery shopping together. It seriously just made me giddy. I am that friggin' easy to please, lol. Same thing with unloading the groceries once we got home. It just made everything feel... real. We really were together and we really were working as a couple. [happy sigh] I can't even describe how well we work. Well... aside from both of us forgetting bowls, the way we make decisions is just... perfect. Seriously. He likes to consider all the options and I just go straight for what makes the most sense to me. You'd think that would result in clashing but it actually just balances us both I think. That's how it seems to me anyway. Not to mention stolen kisses in near empty aisles just put one of those goofy grins on my face. :D While we were at WalMart we both picked up a couple of movies. I got Iron Man and Star Trek and he got Robots and ALICE (the TV series). We also picked up coloring books and crayons. Yes. Coloring books and crayons. Because we both fucking love coloring, yo, lol. Apparently he's a crayon Nazi and Crayola's are the only acceptable crayons. *snicker* We ended up getting like 5 coloring books, lol. It gave me one of those giddy, child-like happies that I had found someone so freakin' perfect that he even shared my love of coloring.

Ok so anyway. When we finally made it home we put away the groceries and put on Robots and started the epic coloring extravaganza. Ok, so we only colored one picture each but those pictures were friggin' epic! I will have to upload pictures of our artwork. You will appreciate it. :D In case you are wondering, coloring in children's coloring books with the love of your life while watching a children's movie is one of the most awesome things ever. I consider it an epically amazing bonding experience that everyone should have. It's just plain fun! And what better way is there to show your love for someone than coloring them a pink and purple puppy?? I mean really... :P After Robots came Monster Squad (and snuggling and laughing, YAY!) and then the first two episodes of Pretender (with more snuggling, more yay!). Ok, well... the first episode and a half of Pretender, lol. We both fell asleep during the second episode and woke up some time later to turn it off. The rest of the night was spent snuggling and sleeping. Yes, actually sleeping. That night I slept better than I had in a month. It was like I died or something... I don't think I even moved. It was so massively amazing and I give Chris the credit. He really is an amazing bed partner... in all ways. ;)

My Memory is Fail

So.... my dearest Christopher so lovingly pointed out that my last blog recounting my adventures in Indy was horribly inaccurate. Ok, not horribly inaccurate but I forgot one of the best parts.

When we got back from Suzie's we did not go to bed. No. Not for quite a while. We walked in the door, I turned around, and I was in his arms with his lips on mine. I was a little hazy from the drinking (but not anywhere near drunk) so I was very relaxed and my mind was definitely in an off position (so if I mess this up again please feel free to correct me, love).

I remember his hands sliding around, his lips moving down my neck. I remember the whispered words, "Can I worship you?" "Yes!" I screamed in my mind but it came out as more of a groan. "Will you be my Goddess?" Another affirmative something from me.

I remember clothes being pushed away. Both mine and his.

We wound up on the bed. I don't remember how we got there. My body was almost shaking in anticipation and excitement... I don't know what I expected but what I got was better than anything I could have come up with.

He took his time. Dear God, how he took his time. He stayed away from the obvious pleasure spots but everywhere else was fair game and he attacked my senses with his mouth for the next God only knows how long. The feel of his tongue stroking and tapping against my skin is something I won't be forgetting any time soon. By the time he reached my arms he had barely begun and I was ready to fall apart. I knew I had some sensitive places... but he seemed to know them better than I. To say he drove me crazy is an understatement but anything else just seems fake. By the time he had me roll over I would have begged for him to... But no. He was having none of that. He spent just as much time on my back as he had my front. He made sure to find every sensitive area and noticed every time my reactions changed. He learned everything. No one had ever done something like that before. No one had been that... thorough. I thought that was something that you only read about it silly romance novels. Men don't have the patience for such things. Oh but he definitely did.

For those of you that know me... this next part will shock you beyond your wildest dreams. If you're still reading that is. Sorry, I suppose this is a bit graphic for the public sphere, but hey. It's not really for you, it's for me... and him... so you really don't have to read it.

Anyway. Back to the story. His mouth trailed down my legs. My extremely sensitive legs. If I hadn't orgasmed by now I was about to. Which of course was his goal. To make me cum without using his hands and without going for the obvious areas. As his mouth trailed lower I got nervous. I'm weird about my feet. People do not touch them and I do not touch other people's. That's how this has worked for the past 20 years or so. I didn't say anything though. I figured I would just see what happened and if I couldn't take it I would say something then. I couldn't take it. I couldn't even begin to take it, but not for the reasons that I had thought. We will just leave it at I discovered something new and I was damned happy to find out even if it is kind of uncomfortable to think about.

Actually... I think all of that happened before I turned over... but anyway. I have the events, my timeline just always gets messed up. Sorry. That's why I should have been writing this as I was there. Of course there was no time for such things. ;)

Anywho. It was around that point that my mind had shattered and I was pretty much a mass of sensation.

Whatever happened after that is fuzzy. But I know that that was one of the best, if not the best, experience I'd ever had.

But I really hope that I took care of him after all of that and I'm damning myself to hell that I can't remember. It's ok. Maybe he can save the day with his memory that actually works. =D

A Bad Day

Today was a bad day.

Memories came up that I never want to remember. I kind of want to do something violent. But I won't. I'll just cry instead. We all know how much that solves.

I miss the days when I never got sick. I miss feeling well. I miss taking for granted that I would wake up in the morning and my stomach wouldn't be killing me. I miss being able to eat whatever, whenever, and not have to worry about whether or not I was going to be in the bathroom for 20 minutes an hour later. I miss not looking at the nutritional labels, counting calories, and dividing and multiplying it all just to make sure I don't go off and die or something.

I think the moral of the story is that I'm angry. I'm angry at my health and I'm angry that things still affect me.

*sigh* I don't even know what else to say. I feel the need to rant and rave and throw things but I don't have the ability. I only really have the desire to just curl up in bed and cry for a good long while. Maybe I will.

I talked to the guy I wrote about last night (we'll call him D) a few minutes ago. We were talking about video games, as usual, lol. There are a couple of games that he's been playing and I really want to check them out: Dragon Age Origins and Aion.

That's not the point of this blog though.

Somehow we got onto the subject of women's anatomy. Oh yes, I mentioned my discovery that I have a preference for smaller breasts. A discussion ensued, of course. Anyway... while we were talking I just kept getting pangs of jealousy/longing/what-the-fuck-ever and I was just wishing that... I don't know what I was wishing. I guess I was hoping he would still be attracted to me or something... or that he would make some comment about my anatomy in particular. I know it doesn't particularly matter and that it's not a big deal, but the point of this blog is for me to be honest with myself so that's what I'm doing. I'm not even *that* attracted to him really but every time I see his picture my stomach does that little flip.

I feel myself growing attached to C again. He has been more.... something the last couple of days. We're always flirty or just down right sexual but he's been more.. intimate? Can you be intimate through text? I guess so... so yeah. Intimate. I care for him and he cares for me but I have absolutely no idea where it's going. None. Not the slightest. I haven't a clue what he wants and asking him questions about it is never a good idea. I hope to see him in a few months... maybe then I'll know. I hope so.

Also... I need to be with a woman. I realized this during the course of my discussion with D, not that I didn't already know that, I just realized it was a more pressing need than I thought. The problem of course is that I haven't the slightest idea how to approach women romantically (still). Do they teach a class on this? If not, I'm writing a memo. It is necessary.

In other news, I don't think the meds are working. :( *sigh* Maybe it'll just take more than a day, lol.

That is all for today. Thank you for tuning in and have a wonderful night.

Haunted Past

I feel idiotic... Thus... I must post.

*sigh*

It's stupid, obviously. It's always stupid. Everything I put in the fucking blog is stupid. Whatever. That's not the point.

[insert name here] posted a photo album on Facebook of her kids, one of whom was my significant other for, on and off, 2 or 3 years through high school and the last year of college. There were 2 photos of me in that album with him. One was tagged "Best Friends" (this photo I know was taken when we were dating) and the other, "[insert name here] and his friend, [my name], at graduation" (at this point we were best friends). There were pictures in there of him with 4 other girls... all of whom were labeled as his girlfriend at the time. I mean, I know that he and I are still friends and that our relationship is hella complicated but it just took me back to the days when I was a secret. I still hate thinking about that time of my life. Those days were in turn fantastic and the worst of my short life. It still haunts me... not often... but when it does, it hurts. That album just reminded me that his family will probably always see me as [insert name here]'s Secret-Girlfriend-That-We-Don't-Talk-About. I just hate it... all of it. I hate the way I used to be and I hate the way I let him treat me. I really hate the way he used to be and I hate that I'll never be able to fully trust him again. Most of all, I hate that no matter what, I will always love him. I don't think I have ever loved anyone like I love(d) him. He is my weakness. I know now... or at least I think I know... that he and I will not be together. He is no longer everything I want and I'm sure I'm not everything he wants. He's no longer the only guy I've enjoyed having in my bed and again, I'm sure he could say the same. But he is the one I loved with everything I had. He is the one who whispered in my ear at the exact right time, the exact right thing. I miss him. I miss our relationship so much. No... I miss the good times of our relationship. I still hate the overall relationship. I can't say I wouldn't do it again though... because really... I love him. I know that I have the capacity to love another person forever because of him.

I don't know what I would do if the opportunity presented itself today to be with him again... I really don't. I can intellectualize it all I want but the fact that I know that I will never not love him remains. The fact that he has the ability to make me feel better than anyone else has ever made me feel remains. I guess maybe what I really want is to find someone who can give me all the good that he gave me without the bad memories and feelings attached. I really, really want that.

*cries*