Back to the Beginning

I can't... breathe...

Everything hurts... everything.... especially my heart... and my gut....

My cousin, the one whom I most relate to and the one who comes closest to really understanding me... She is friends with the man who ... destroyed what I was. My uncle. The man... I haven't seen him in a few years... the last time I did I had a panic attack... I was at work... I cried for an hour in the bathroom...

She's friends with him....

Why is he allowed in public? Shouldn't he be dead somewhere? I want him to be dead.

God, I thought I was past all this...

But no, I still hate him. His very presence on Earth still affects me. I'd still crumple if I saw him.

Why is she friends with him??? She said... she believed me... I thought... She's not like everyone else... but she is. Because she is weak. She's weak like they all are. I hate them. I still fucking hate them. None of them have the guts to do a goddamn thing. None of them love me enough to do a goddamn thing.

I want back in my hole. I need a safe space again. There is no safe space here.

I'm not as strong as I thought I was... Shit.