Last night was terrible... it was completely and utterly terrible. I don't expect anyone to understand because I know how it sounds, I know that it seems silly but regardless, it's affecting me deeply and I don't know what to do about it.
I haven't been sleeping through the night, not for a while. It seems that I always wake up sometime around 4 o'clock in the morning. Usually it's not a huge deal, I just toss and turn for a little while and then go back to sleep. I may or may not wake up 7 more times between then and the time I need to get up in the morning. If that were the only problem I could deal with it. Not a big deal. The problem, which is also the root of why I expect anyone to start laughing at me, is that I keep having flashbacks to Paranormal Activity. Every single night when I cross the threshold into my room I get a flashback. I have to read or watch TV up until I am so exhausted that I can fall asleep and then I have to leave the TV on so that it will block out any weird noises and will provide some light. I then have to sleep with my back towards the wall so I can see everything in the room. I usually fall asleep after about half an hour and when I wake up at 4 the TV is off (I have it on a sleep timer so as not to waste too much electricity) and I have a mild moment of panic when the thoughts start racing in. Therefore, the TV comes back on and generally I fall back to sleep without too many issues. Last night though... last night that didn't happen. Last night I woke up at 4:14 and then I was so overcome with thoughts of the movie that I was literally paralyzed with fear. I could barely move in my bed and the thought of leaving my bed was even worse. I just couldn't get over it. If you think I don't realize that it's all in my head and that I should be able to just control it you're insane. I know all of this. No matter what I did, I couldn't get the thoughts and memories to leave my head, thus why I say I don't know what the fuck to do. I was up last night for 3 hours. I called a friend that I knew would be up just to get me out of my paralyzed state. He talked to me for a couple of hours and it really helped but it didn't fix the problem entirely. I know that none of this is helped by where I live. People are up at all hours, they are always loud, and basically there's always some kind of noise in my apartment from somewhere else.
I don't know what to do. I already said that... but I feel so hopeless. I just want to sleep. I know I'm only emotional because of lack of sleep but I feel insane. This movie effected my way too much. How do I undo that? It's stupid. I know it is.. but regardless of that I've got to do something to fix it and it's not something where I can just take control of my mind. If I could I wouldn't have been up for hours last night wishing for sleep. For now, I'm going to see if I can make up some of the lost hours, but I doubt it. I can't sleep during the day... I never could. *sigh*
Saving those who cannot save themselves
3 years ago
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