Responsibility

When did I become the adult? When did I become the one for people to lean on? You want the truth?

I've always been that person. When I was no more than 5, I was put in the role of protecting my younger sister anytime we were visiting my father. "Take care of your sister, make sure she isn't left out." My father couldn't be trusted to do such menial things, so I did. Whatever. I understood. She was my sister, of course I would take care of her.

Things haven't changed. They've never changed. My mother comes to me for advice ranging from which job she should take (I was 14 for that one) to what she should do with her money (buy a car, save it, close her credit card, keep it open, whatever).

A friend just called. He called to talk to me because I told him I needed to about an hour ago. By the time he called I didn't really want to talk anymore so I just told him what was wrong and he went on to talk about his day and complain about whatever. This is a very normal occurrence. I'm used to not getting out what I need to get out. I'm used to no one understanding or wanting to talk. It's really not even that big of a deal.

My grandmother is back in the hospital. That's what was bothering me. Also, my mother told me they needed me to come home next week and take care of her. They think she will listen to me and let me take care of her like she's supposed to be doing with them. Apparently she stopped eating again. Her blood pressure spiked and stayed too high so that's why she's back in the hospital. I don't know how they can't get her to eat. I'm sure they just don't have the time, but sheesh. Anyway. The point. If I'm needed, I come. It doesn't matter if I want to, it doesn't matter if it's inconvenient, it just matters that I'm needed. Despite all of that, I feel terribly guilty because I don't want to go. Other than caring for her for a few days, there's absolutely nothing to do. I will be trapped in that house with nothing to amuse me but a book and whatever TV show she is blasting. Again, it doesn't matter. It is what has to be done and listening to my desires is selfish. I love my grandmother. She needs me. Simple as that. I may bitch and moan between now and then but I guarantee you I will get in that car on Sunday and I will drive the 4 hours to take care of her for 3 or 4 days and then I will turn around and drive back here to make it to the first day of class.

It's just... stressful. It's nothing but stressful. That and I will miss C. Yeah, fine, I can say it. I'm really that feckin' selfish. I will miss him and it will suck. Her house has virtually no cell service and no internet access. It will be difficult. I don't enjoy being home, ever, but the seclusion will get to me I think.

I hate that I'm upset and I hate... I don't know what I hate. I just know that I'm not at all happy about this and for several reasons. Judge me if you want, but I'm just speaking my truth.

I won't even get into anything else twirling around the fucked up thing they call my mind.

I'm going to read. Good night.