This is why I shouldn't make plans. When I am making the plans I know that things will end up this way.

Such grand plans I had for tonight and today. Truly grand. After the failure of last night I moved my plans to today so I wasn't very upset then. I mean... I was... but... I knew today would be grand so it didn't matter that yesterday fell through. Now today is falling through. I really even tried to start out on the right note. I thought I'd send you a picture and get things back to where they were yesterday before things got messed up. And it failed. Miserably. Instead it just led to fighting because you were busy and I was disappointed and everything just sucked from then on. It makes me feel stupid for trying. I'm trying not to feel like the scorned or rebuffed girlfriend but it sucks. I really went out on a limb yesterday. Unfortunately it seems that that limb broke. You were busy and interested in other things at the time and the same has happened today.

I feel angry and sad and disappointed and frustrated because I know if I tell you any of this you will internalize it and say that you are just a failure and a disappointment when that's not what I want you to think. I intellectually understand that you were/are busy. Emotionally though... it sucks. I want to be wanted. I went out of my way to make you feel wanted, to try to tell you how much I wanted you and I don't remember the last time you did that for me. Maybe I'm just getting caught up in my head. Maybe you have shown me and I just don't remember. But I don't feel it. I don't feel like you think about me sexually at all anymore. And I can't even bring it up or talk about it because of the other shit that happened over the summer and because of what you'll think I'm saying but not.

I'm so tired of fighting again. I don't understand why we're fighting. I don't understand why things are so fucked up again.