The Things I Didn't Say - A Poem

Of all the people I never want to lose

You are on the top.

I really don’t think you ever knew

Exactly what you mean to me.

Do you remember that one day

That one terrible, awful day

The day you were there

When I was alone

The day you held my hand

The day you saw me when no one else did

The day I will always remember

The day I knew you loved me

I love you

I always loved you so very much

This is me hoping you can hold on

Pull through

I know you can

And I think you will

I hope you do

I’m not ready for a world without you

I don’t think world is ready to be without you

I don’t think you’re ready to leave

I don’t think I can let go

I don’t think I ever will

You’re special to me in a way no one else is or ever will be

You mean more to me than I ever let on or ever showed

I wish I had shown it

I wish you had felt it in your soul

Please don’t let my time be up

Please …

Don’t …

Go …

Android's Don't Cry

Gram's having a double bypass tomorrow. I found out maybe 20 minutes ago. They may also have to do surgery on her neck at the same time.

Information from online says it is likely that she will die in the next year.

I'll be back when I stop being a robot and have decided to deal with this.

Losing Sucks

The Colts lost.

I shouldn't be so upset about this... but I am. This is the first time I've ever *actually* given a shit about a team. It just sucks. Whatever.

I'm going to bed.

Understanding, I Don't Have It.

I just read a couple of blogs written by two female friends in my life, one of whom has been my best friend for years. They were both talking about their issues with weight and their constant struggle to lose more of it.

I don't understand. I really don't.

Neither of these women are fat. Both of these women are smaller than the average woman. Both of these women wear between a size 0 and a size 4. And I'm like... really? Are you fucking kidding me?

I mean... I get it. Every woman is subject to the pressures of the media and society (or their mothers), but there is simply no logic to either one of them. They both sit there and tell every other woman that she is beautiful and that it doesn't even matter what they weigh. Why doesn't that apply to you? What happened to "practice what you preach?" I honestly find it somewhat disgusting. It takes effort for me to not get sucked back down into a thought-line of "If that's what you think about yourself then you must be disgusted by me" because I am the one who is actually overweight. Can they not see the hypocrisy of it all?? It drives me up the wall.

Sure, I am also trying to lose weight but I'm not doing it because I want to look good, I am doing it because it is medically necessary and I'm doing it as healthily as I can manage.

The point is, I understand... but only up to a certain point. I can't understand obsession and I can't understand letting something like your weight define you as a person. I know that these women don't necessarily do that, but there are plenty that do. I don't understand how these wonderfully beautiful women can judge themselves so harshly and by the standards of a society that is constantly subjugating women and treating them as nothing more than objects. Why would you listen to that and let it affect you that deeply? I understand that most people don't think the way I do... and... I almost wish I could understand. Almost.

I don't know where my place is in this and I'm tired of being ignored so I'm just keeping my mouth shut. I don't know what else to do at this point. All I can do is live my life the way I think is best and maybe be a good role model.

Back to the Beginning

I can't... breathe...

Everything hurts... everything.... especially my heart... and my gut....

My cousin, the one whom I most relate to and the one who comes closest to really understanding me... She is friends with the man who ... destroyed what I was. My uncle. The man... I haven't seen him in a few years... the last time I did I had a panic attack... I was at work... I cried for an hour in the bathroom...

She's friends with him....

Why is he allowed in public? Shouldn't he be dead somewhere? I want him to be dead.

God, I thought I was past all this...

But no, I still hate him. His very presence on Earth still affects me. I'd still crumple if I saw him.

Why is she friends with him??? She said... she believed me... I thought... She's not like everyone else... but she is. Because she is weak. She's weak like they all are. I hate them. I still fucking hate them. None of them have the guts to do a goddamn thing. None of them love me enough to do a goddamn thing.

I want back in my hole. I need a safe space again. There is no safe space here.

I'm not as strong as I thought I was... Shit.