I'm Touching You!

I have managed to lose touch with everyone again. :( I'm sorry. 

I like to pretend that people miss me when I disappear and don't talk for a week or so. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

I had a rough couple of days, what with sickness, stress, and a mild freak-out. They have all been dealt with and I do feel much better. Ok, I lied. They haven't *all* been dealt with but I still feel better. I need to do a lot of reading before Friday morning's Modern Philosophy quiz and I don't have the book. I also need to make sure I have a 10-15 page draft to turn in to my Social Justice professor on Monday as well as my proposal for how to curb the problem of overpopulation. Oy. Now I'm stressed again. But that's ok, it's almost over.

I had a new roommate move in yesterday. It's very weird and I don't think I like it. I got very used to living alone and it's quite an adjustment. I suppose it's good though because I will be moving in with Alison and her son in August. *scared face* I've been... not worried... but thinking about that lately. I dunno how this whole living with a kid thing is going to go. I'm hopeful that all will be well... but... yeah... I'm sure it will be ok and I know it will keep me from getting depressed and refusing to leave my house. Alison can kick my ass if I need it, lol.  Oh, but back to the situation at hand. This chick, Liz... I think..., She's in her late twenties/early thirties, kinda redneck, and she's not a student. That's weird to me. I thought they were only supposed to rent to students here. I obviously haven't talked to her very much but I don't know that I see us being overly friendly really. Maybe I'll luck out and she'll move. Unfortunately that doesn't actually help because I have another girl, Candice, moving in on Sunday. I have talked to her via Facebook and I think she and I could be friendlier at least. She's a psych student and closer to my age but doesn't live the college student lifestyle so this seems much more promising. 

I'm crazy tired. I slept well last night and the night before but I keep waking up around 7 am when I don't need to be up until 8 or 9 or 10. It's kind of frustrating.

I also keep avoiding the gym. =/ This is not a good thing. I'm doing well at staying on my diet but I've taken a week's vacation from the gym and I need to get my butt back in gear. When I lose 20 more pounds I will have reached my second ... tier? I dunno. I'm at 55 lbs lost, I think. Or maybe it's 45. I don't remember what my starting weight was anymore, lol. Either way, I'm still making progress and I feel pretty good about it overall.

My sister is set to give birth in June and she's wanting to deliver early. I'm trying not to get frustrated. She got married and pregnant within the same month. She had extensive back surgery (steel rods from neck to butt) just two years ago. The extra weight is not good for her back and she is starting to feel the effects. The ligaments along her left side are stretched to the extreme and are causing her extreme pain so she has to spend a lot of her time laying in bed to relieve the pressure. Because she and her husband just moved (again) to Oregon, they don't have the money to buy her the kind of bed she needs for her back. Or at least that's what I'm told. All-in-all I just think it's a rather unfortunate situation and I wish she had just listened to someone. I wish she had moved back home when she had the chance. I wish she had used a fucking condom. Ugh. It all just seems so avoidable and I don't understand why she thought this was a good idea.

My relationship is going well and it has officially been a month since I got back home from seeing him. It was kind of a rough week. It's hard to deal with the memories of being there and how wonderful it was and knowing that I'm not sure when I'm going to see him again. I know that it will be sometime this summer, but I don't know the specifics. It's just sad. I honestly try not to think about it too much. I don't think about my time there very often... it honestly just hurts. That's another reason I am trying to write that blog about my time there... I am already forgetting things so I just want to get all of it down so I can look back and all that jazz. I'll try to get back on that sometime soon as well. 

Well. I think that's about it, boys and girls, more information than you ever wanted to know.

How are things in your world these days?

Down to Nothing

Walls.

Locks.

Bars.

You’ve done this to yourself.

This is what you wanted.

This is what you asked for.

Begged.

Wanted.

Asked.

Lie down in that bed.

It was made just for you.

After all, you’re the special one.

Suffer.

Wait.

Hope.

Watch them laugh while you hope.

You fucked it all to hell.

This is what you wanted.

Suffer.

Suffer.

Suffer.

Suffer in silence.

No one wants to hear you.

You have no excuse.

Silence.

Surrounding.

Permeating.

You are being punished.

The crime you did commit.

Don’t bother with regrets.

Jokes.

Fingers.

Laughs.

Let them watch.

They need a laugh.

You’re nothing but a target.

Nothing.

Empty.

Dead.

Some Things Don't Need a Title.

I'm tired.

I am so fucking tired.

I'm not sleeping well again and as we all know, a lack of sleep just leads to lots of problems. I'm starting to feel it.

I hate going home. It puts me in a weird fucking head-space and it takes too long to get out of it. I'm probably going to be cranky for a couple of days and I'm not going to want to deal with anyone's shit. Seriously. You've been warned.

I'm also getting paranoid. About... a lot of things. I'm afraid it's a side effect of my medicine but I really fucking hope not. Then again, if it's not, then I'm just fucking nuts. I don't trust anyone. I just don't. I keep waiting for people to do something they're not supposed to... or told me they wouldn't. I'm convinced C doesn't want me. Why the fuck should he? I'm convinced he likes J and would have more fun with her, even if they wouldn't actually work as a couple. But maybe they would. Maybe he wants to know. I don't trust anything. Goddamnbitchmotherfucker. I'm scared. What's worse is that I know that if I can't fix this paranoia that I really am going to drive him away. He doesn't deserve this. And that just makes me more paranoid. Knowing what I'm doing... knowing that I'm going to drive him nuts... knowing he could just leave... knowing... just... knowing.

I motherfucking HATE going home. It fucks with my head. It puts me back into the frame of mind I was in when I was a teenager. Too many motherfucking memories. Too much shit. Maybe I do need the big city. Just so I can breathe... and then I can escape back here (here as in JC) when I need a break.

God... I'm so scared. I really am. I hate it. I hate thinking these thoughts. I hate not knowing how to fix it. I hate it all. I want to go back to normal. I can't keep begging for reassurance.

God.. I feel bipolar. My ups and downs today have been ridiculous. I've been flying high and sinking low. I dunno wtf is up. I just blame it on home.

I got my hair cut. It's cute.

Secret of the day. I want to go to my bathroom, cut my arm, and watch it bleed. I've never done that before. Not really. And I won't. But I want to. I was thinking about it earlier...

I miss C. I miss him so much. I wish I could drive up next weekend. I just wish I could hug him... I wish I could look into his eyes and I wish I could kiss him. It's been almost a month since our first kiss....

My mother wants me to fly out to Oregon in the summer and bring my sister and Katherine back. I'm still mad at her. I miss her.... but I'm mad at her... for leaving, for getting married, for getting pregnant... I'm just mad.

Gah. I just wanna go to bed. I want to curl up and cry and go to bed.

I can feel him getting tired of me. I can feel him starting to hate me... I can feel me starting to hate me. Is he tired of me yet? Has he realized I'm not worth the trouble? When will he? Next week? Next month? Seven years from now?

No one can love me forever. I'm just not that type of person.

I Got This.

From: http://www.shuckandjive.org/2010/03/church-without-god.html
By: John Shuck, Pastor at First Presbyterian Elizabethton

We are facing huge changes. Our universe is 13.7 billion years old as of the latest tally. Human beings have evolved as has every species on this beautiful blue ball. We were not placed in any garden by any divine being. No god/man came to Earth, walked on water, rose from the dead and sits on a heavenly throne. That is religious fiction. It is metaphor, story, myth, human invention. It is how our ancestors tried to find meaning. Bless their hearts.

We are still searching for meaning. It won't come for us in some imaginary heaven. It will come as we recognize that Earth is home and we have no more pressing religious duty than to care for our fellow Earthlings and for Earthlings who will come after us.

As we are in a period of transition we will wrestle with our inherited language. For some, the term "God" will have meaning. For others it will not. Religion is moving away from its supernaturalistic roots. "God" will be redefined accordingly. We are in the process of redefining meaning.

As the insights of Galileo and Darwin are finally making their way into popular consciousness, churches and religious institutions need intelligent, courageous leaders to provide the space for people to wrestle with the question of what it means to be a human being.

It could and likely will get ugly. Those who cling to their superstitions will be ruthless. There will be inquisitions. There will be heresy trials. I entered the ministry out of concern for truth as naive as that may sound. I discovered that truth was not the same as a supernaturalistic creed. The search and articulation of truth as I understand it is my integrity.

My advice for clergy and for laypeople who are growing out of a childish supernaturalistic past is to stand your ground. Don't let them set the terms or the rules. Don't resign. Be bold. Tell the truth. Don't call it a loss of faith. It is a growth in understanding. It is waking up from sleep. It is gaining sight from blindness. It is resurrection from death to life.

Happy Easter.

---------------------------------------------

A lot of you ask me why I go to church. The answer is that I found a church that holds the same or similar beliefs as I do. Or at least a church with people who support me and my belief system and are understanding of other views. There is no dogmatism. There is no closed-minded supernaturalism. My "religion" if you wish to call it that is to the world as it actually exists and to making this world an acceptable place to live. If you don't understand that, I'm sorry. If you think the church is "evil" I feel even sorrier for you and you probably just don't want to talk to me about it. You probably wouldn't come out feeling any better about the situation.

My beliefs have not changed. I am still, at best, agnostic but probably moreso atheist.

So no... you don't have to worry about me or my soul. I'm good. I got this. I have my truth.


That is all. :)

Mondays - They Aren't All Bad

Ok, dearies, we are ready to move on to Day Two of my trip to Indy. I know you're excited. :)

After our morning sexings, which I will not go into detail about because... well... it's none of your business and I have probably said too much about that already, and took our shower, yes, together ... Actually that deserves a little commenting. I had taken a shower with one other person in my life that was not a sibling. This was a wholly different experience, and no, I don't mean like that, you pervs. It was just... nice. It was fun actually. Other than the fact that he likes his water freakishly hot (;)) everything was just... yeah... fun... You may as well know that he looks epically cute in the shower. Like... seriously. It's one of the few times where we would just be standing there in front of each other talking and such. He's a little shorter than I and he has this way of just looking up at me with his eyes all wide and questioning (especially when he's doubting himself over something he definitely should not be questioning) and it seriously makes my heart melt. He would stand there, hands behind his back, looking up at me like that and I would just have to hug him. Apparently water makes everything awesomer and our slick, wet shower hugs were the greatest.

After the epicness of the shower, we made our way through the church traffic to Pizza Hut. Our first "eating out" experience. It was pretty much awesome. Then again, I thought all of our firsts were pretty much awesome... as were all the subsequent events, lol. While we were there a huge group of crazy Christians came in, fresh from church, and I had to seriously resist talking loudly about sex and such. I think I still may have slipped in a few comments but I don't think I embarrassed him too badly. :D Random fact. He eats pizza with a fork. Weirder, without even thinking about it, I ate my pizza with a fork. I used to do it all the time when I was younger (I literally had to teach myself how to just pick up a piece of pizza and eat it) and apparently being around him just brought back that side of me, lol. It was kinda cute. What's also awesome is that he didn't put any dead animals on the pizza. :D That is love, my friends.

From there, we made our way to Holliday Park (which I got to use my GPS to find :D). I loooooooove parks. He was mildly (and by mildly I mean not mildly at all) freaking out about some issue with his car that of course wasn't an issue at all. Silly boy. He should have just listened to me but whatever. :D

The park... was... GRAND! He had to go potty and that led us on an epic adventure because I, of course, just started walking toward the closest building ... or at least the first one I saw... and assumed there would be restrooms. He was all, "I've never been over here before. I don't think they have bathrooms." But of course I knew better and drug him along. :D Turns out that I was, of course, correct. But even better! Not only did this building have restrooms but it had like... actual exhibits and stuffs including some rather epic photography. We wandered about and discovered everything there was to discover there and found a path leading out of the back door. We followed one of the trails. After a few minutes walk (part of which was over wet stone... not so good for the accident prone, but I managed) we wound up at this... pond-like thing. For those of you who have seen The Labyrinth, imagine the Bog of Eternal Stench... just how it looked, not the smell. It was feckin' epic. There was a bench beside said Bog so we sat for a bit and just enjoyed the view and the company. Well... that and talked about how great it would be if the kids running about on the gnoll to our right would get a little too close to the edge and go tumbling down. =D Anywho. After that we walked some more and found an actual lake-type thing to stand and stare at. Yes, I really do actually like doing these things, lol. There were too many people around and they were closing in on us so we moved along rather quickly. Unfortunately around that point is started drizzling and I'm just not a fan of rain so we headed back up the trail. We won't talk about his smoker's lungs at this point, lol. Again... silly boy. By the time we had climbed back up the hill and such it had all but stopped with the rain so we wandered around the... ruins... for lack of a better word for a moment before heading back to the car.

Let's see... from there we wandered over to WalMart to pick up provisions for the week. It was weird... in a really awesome way that made me happy. We were having our first truly domestic experience... grocery shopping together. It seriously just made me giddy. I am that friggin' easy to please, lol. Same thing with unloading the groceries once we got home. It just made everything feel... real. We really were together and we really were working as a couple. [happy sigh] I can't even describe how well we work. Well... aside from both of us forgetting bowls, the way we make decisions is just... perfect. Seriously. He likes to consider all the options and I just go straight for what makes the most sense to me. You'd think that would result in clashing but it actually just balances us both I think. That's how it seems to me anyway. Not to mention stolen kisses in near empty aisles just put one of those goofy grins on my face. :D While we were at WalMart we both picked up a couple of movies. I got Iron Man and Star Trek and he got Robots and ALICE (the TV series). We also picked up coloring books and crayons. Yes. Coloring books and crayons. Because we both fucking love coloring, yo, lol. Apparently he's a crayon Nazi and Crayola's are the only acceptable crayons. *snicker* We ended up getting like 5 coloring books, lol. It gave me one of those giddy, child-like happies that I had found someone so freakin' perfect that he even shared my love of coloring.

Ok so anyway. When we finally made it home we put away the groceries and put on Robots and started the epic coloring extravaganza. Ok, so we only colored one picture each but those pictures were friggin' epic! I will have to upload pictures of our artwork. You will appreciate it. :D In case you are wondering, coloring in children's coloring books with the love of your life while watching a children's movie is one of the most awesome things ever. I consider it an epically amazing bonding experience that everyone should have. It's just plain fun! And what better way is there to show your love for someone than coloring them a pink and purple puppy?? I mean really... :P After Robots came Monster Squad (and snuggling and laughing, YAY!) and then the first two episodes of Pretender (with more snuggling, more yay!). Ok, well... the first episode and a half of Pretender, lol. We both fell asleep during the second episode and woke up some time later to turn it off. The rest of the night was spent snuggling and sleeping. Yes, actually sleeping. That night I slept better than I had in a month. It was like I died or something... I don't think I even moved. It was so massively amazing and I give Chris the credit. He really is an amazing bed partner... in all ways. ;)