To Be Sent...... I Think.

Damaged, TLC

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

[BRIDGE]
And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

[CHORUS]

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care (And I care about you so much)
And I really really really want you (I really do want you)
And I think I'm kinda scared (But I'm scared with every touch)
Cos I don't want to lose you (Cos I don't want to lose you)
If you really really really care (If you care for me like you say)
Then maybe you can hang through (Then maybe you can hang through)
I hope you understand (I hope you understand)
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you, you)

My heart's at a low (low)
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love (I'm falling in love)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged (I think you should know that)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage (I'm so much to manage)
I think you should know that (I think you should know that)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged)
I'm falling in love (I love you so)
There's one disadvantage (I love you so)
I think you should know that I've been damaged

And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (Ooh I think you should know I've been damaged)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged baby)
I'm falling in love (Falling in love with you baby, yeah)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I feel sorry for you sometimes. I feel bad for letting you love me. I know that I am ridiculous at times. I know that I am in denial of this as well. I am a lot of things I always feared I would be… needy, clingy, and controlling topping the list. I know that sometimes it’s not so bad… but I know other times it’s gotta drive you nuts. I am sacrificing your comfort for mine. I wish I didn't feel so much better when I know what you're doing all the time. I wish I knew... what to do... how to fix it... I don't feel like I need to be fixed though. I thought I was past all that... I thought I was already fixed. And I sure as hell don't want you to fix me. I know you think that's your role in life... that you fix people and then they move on. I don't want you to think that with me. The thought of losing you is something that I literally can't think about for more than a few seconds. I tried tonight. Tears gathered within 3 seconds of imagining life without you. Perhaps that makes me weak, but it is the truth. I don't know if you understand how truly vulnerable I have made myself to you. I did something I told myself I would never do again... I built my life... my future around someone else. You. I opened up and became transparent to someone... something that I've never fully done with another person. Not even with someone who's paid to make me open up and be transparent. You know everything I can possibly tell you. That is a really big deal. If at any point you turned against me I would be destroyed.

Sometimes I get frustrated because I have my walls down where you're concerned and it seems that you still have yours up. Not all of them. I understand that. And I understand that you probably had a hell of a lot more walls than I did to begin with so I understand why you would still have some. Unfortunately, my understanding hasn't been enough. I am not patient... I haven't been very considerate either... And I definitely haven't been selfless. You have been so amazing and I am so comfortable telling you most things that... I think that's caused a problem. I expect that you would be the same way when it is not your personality to do so and so I overlook your wants and needs. In other words, I expect you to just tell me or to complain or talk to me or whatever when you're not getting something... like I do. And so when you don't I suppose I assume that that means everything is okay. I want you to know that I genuinely care about your wants and needs, your thoughts and feelings. Just because I don't ask, doesn't mean I don't care. I do. Please remember that. I will also try to remember that you are not me... you do not think the same way I do and I shouldn't act like you do.

I haven't had many serious relationships. Only one other than you really. So... I don't know what I'm doing. I don't really know what the future's going to be like... I don't know what I'm supposed to do a lot of the time. Even though I may not be able to fathom "forever," I know that I want it with you. 

I don't particularly know what my main point here is... 

I just... feel bad. For bitching. For not being considerate. Honestly... for not being good enough for you. Don't misunderstand, I do not think myself below you and I don't find you faultless... but I haven't been good enough to you or for you. I hope you know that I bitch because I feel that comfortable with you... that I think you will understand. It may not make sense... but I would never do that with someone I didn't trust. I've always just rolled over and taken anything I could get... the fact that I'm no longer doing that is actually good. I just think maybe I went a bit too far and now need to pull myself in.

I don't know how to fix the fears or paranoia. I just don't. I explained to you the other day about that. About the connections that are made in my mind and how it leads to these things. That is the best explanation I have. I don't know if it helps or not.

I trust you.

You are worthy of my trust. You will not do anything to break my trust or make me regret trusting you. You love me. 

I will figure it out. Or better... we will figure it out. Now that I have pinpointed my issues (with the mental connections) hopefully we'll be able to figure out something that helps. Or I will. It is not your responsibility after all.

I never want you to feel like you're on a leash again. I never want you to feel unappreciated again. I am sure it will happen... but I will start working on it again.

I love you.

Now. To the important bit.

What do you want from me? What would you like me to do or not do or stop doing or start doing? What do you need? How can I make your life better? What can I do to make you want to wake up in the morning? How are you? What is your mental health status? Emotional health status? Physical health status?

Please do not dismiss this. I do care. I do want to know. I really do. I am not just saying it.

I fear that I will become that person that fucks up and then does this apology thing just to draw you back in. I fear that is what you think. I hope this is not the case... I think I just need practice.

Not a Real Philosopher

So... I was fucking around on Fu tonight instead of doing something productive like writing my paper. I got the bright idea that I should rate someone's shit and get some points again. So I figured I'd go through Chris' again. It had been a while.

Meh.

He's had too many girlfriends. I found the profile of this one chick that he dated a few years ago through a photo comment that she left. Curiosity got the better of me and I had to click. Then I kept clicking. And kept clicking... *sigh* I don't know why I'm all sad about it... I guess I liked to think that I was the first person he seriously considered marrying.. even thought I knew I wasn't before this.. but whatever. But this chick. Sigh. Fuck. I can't explain. But it's just... her. Because I know the hell he went through when she left. Ok, not really, but I know the general idea. I met him about a year after that.

Meh.

I don't know. I should have stopped clicking. Curiosity killed the cat, y'know.

I need to keep typing. I need to get to the bottom of why I feel so... depressed because of this. I guess I feel like I don't really have him even though I have him.

I also got to thinking about what life will be like when I'm actually there. Like... how fucking weird is that gonna be, yo? Hell, I've never done this before. It's been a rough few weeks for us because of stress and such and usually I would have just fucking left... but for once... I'm here. I'm staying. I have to. For once... I really do trust him. Thoughts still run through my head... the fears are still there trying to take over... but I'm working on it. I trust him not to do anything that would hurt me. Not intentionally anyway.

I wonder if it would be better if I were there. I wonder if every time I think that I'm setting myself up for failure and disappointment.

Just... seeing her... knowing... what he felt... seeing things he said to her... seeing how much he loved her... seeing... god... it just looks like he loved her like he loves me. Ya know? I guess that's really it. It's not really jealousy if it's something in the past, is it? I don't know. They even had a wedding date... *sigh* I'm just... sad. And maybe I am jealous. Because I'm not there and even though we plan on getting married things aren't settled enough that we could possibly think of setting a date. All the practicalities are still up in the air. Maybe I'm just afraid that it's going to end before we get to that point. Maybe we'll get tired of waiting. Maybe ... maybe it's just not enough.

It might sound like I'm mad at him. I'm not. Not in the slightest actually... I just feel... hurt. For no good reason. Not like "he did something to hurt me" kind of thing... just... wounded... like a bruise... Maybe this is all a part of not feeling good enough. Just not being enough.

God, I feel like I'm all over the place.

No wonder I can't concentrate. My head is so fucking scattered I can't concentrate on anything.

I just... I love him. So much. There was a moment the other day where I thought... I thought he was leaving me... I can't even tell you what that did to me. I cracked into a million pieces on the inside.

I know I get jealous way too often and over things that I have no reason to be jealous over... I don't really know how to make that stop. I know that ties into not feeling like I'm enough. I feel bad that I'm not there. I feel bad that he's stuck being in love with me, someone who can't be there with him... for him. You can't help who you fall in love with and we're all victims of love, right? So he just can't help it. He doesn't have a choice. Get it? He's stuck. Yet somehow it doesn't work the other way around in my mind, lol. I guess I should work on that line of logic a little more. Because he can always leave... so there's really no stuck... except if he loves me then he can't. Sigh. I dunno. I'm thinking too much and getting all philosophical or some shit. This is why philosophers commit suicide. Good thing I'm just a fledgling.

Running on Fumes

First of all, I am extremely tired so this may not make a lot of sense. Ask me if I care.

This has been one of the most stressful, weirdest, worst months I've had in a very long time. Trust me, that's saying something. Between a psycho roommate trying to get me killed, Chris and I having a horrible week, sickness, more sickness, and a fuck ton of school work that I haven't been able to do, I am ready to call it quits. Seriously. I don't know why I get up in the mornings.

Jesus fucking Christ. Every time my door opens my heart skips a beat. I can't live here. I just can't. My anxiety is so fucking high right now that I can't relax, no matter what. Which explains why I'm so goddamn tired. I've been going to bed at very reasonable times and waking up at the normal time but I can't actually rest. I get a few hours every night of good sleep. It's just not enough apparently.

School's killing me. The past 2 weeks have been useless. I haven't been able to get anything done because of all the drama and bullshit around here. I have so much to do and I can't do any of it. Life keeps getting in the fucking way.

God, I just want to sleep.

One of my friends is in the hospital. No work done tonight. None tomorrow either I'm sure.

This is why I should have done it earlier in the semester. I tried... kinda. Sigh. My fault. I know.

I wanna give up so fucking bad.

Thinking about school gives me heart palpitations and I can feel an anxiety attack coming. I could feel it this morning. It's going to happen. Thinking about it restricts my airways. It's close.

There's just too much.

I'm losing my appetite again. I eat two-ish times a day. Usually I get one good meal and one or two meals that are actually just snacks.

God I hate Liz. She is literally the source of so much of my anxiety and tension right now.

I miss Chris. But I know it's actually better that he's not here. Too much stress. But I do miss him. It's not too bad right now... but yeah. Whatever.

I love Tiff. Her life is turning to shit again. I don't know how to help her. I don't know what to say. I'm losing it.

Blah. I'm alone and feel crowded all at once. So it feels like there's no way to fix it.

The breathing trouble is starting.

I'm going to lay down and read and wait on Chris to call. Or just fall asleep and hope I hear the phone. I'm sure we'll only talk for a couple of minutes so it's not really worth staying awake. Not when I'm so tired and tomorrow promises to be equally draining.

Newsflash

I'm still alone and I'm making Chris miserable.
Life fails.

Realizations

I am alone.