Gambling is Bad

I just made plans to see C over my birthday weekend. Wanna make bets on whether or not it will actually happen?

How Bad Was It?

I need a reason to wake up tomorrow.

That's how bad.

Reminder

I think I’m starting to get it.

Responsibility. Relationships. They go hand-in-hand… but not to the extent that I’ve been taking it.

I’m so busy taking care of you that… well… several things happen.

1.        I don’t take care of me.
2.        I don’t take care of ‘us.’
3.        I fail at taking care of you anyway. You are a big boy and I am a big girl. Just because I choose to talk to you about almost everything I think and feel, doesn’t mean you will do the same or that you have to. Maybe I shouldn’t. That’s not the point. It’s like you say, I’m forcing it, so I’m fucking it. I’m “forcing” myself to take care of you (though it’s not really force… but yeah) so I’m fucking up taking care of you.
4.        I stress myself out.
5.        I stress you out. I don’t think you know what to do with me or how to handle it.
6.        I get so bogged down in responsibility that I hold it against you. I upset the balance. There’s no way you could ever equal it and you shouldn’t.
7.        It raises my expectations of you to a level that is unreachable which leads to more disappointment.
8.        I don’t have time to love you.
9.        I am not as honest, bluntly honest, as I should be.
10.        I don’t show you that I love you.

It does make it look like I just want to fix you and be the one that never left. I totally get why you think that. You’re right. I need to calm down. I need to stop being the mother you didn’t have. I can’t make up for your past. I can’t prove that not everyone wants to hurt you. I can’t prove anything. All I can do is love you to the best of my ability and see what happens. Your life is not my responsibility. It Is not my job to right any wrongs. NOT MY JOB. I have to stop trying to be perfect. I have to stop comparing myself to your exes. I have to stop being afraid I’ll be like everyone else. I have to truly be me. I have to JUST be me. Take the pressure off. NOT MY JOB. You are not a job. You are the opposite. I am not to treat you as another responsibility. I am to relax and enjoy my time with you, no matter how long that is. I am to trust you. I am to love you from the heart, not the brain. I am to care in healthy ways. I am to take care of me.

The Things I Wanted to Say

• You'll be in bed soon enough, so you won't have to deal with me anymore.
• I'd hardly call it a rage. Definitely in comparison to what I wanted to say. 
• You made it worse on purpose. It's not always just my fault.
• When you say nothing but "ok" 9 times in a row and I tell you that I want you to stop, it's not funny when you don't. 
• When you tell me about how hot you think another woman is it doesn't make me feel good about myself. Not when you tell me that what makes her hot are things that you continuously tell me that I don't have. It actually makes me feel pretty shitty.
• When you tell me I won't understand what you're thinking or feeling, it makes me feel like a failure.
• When I am trying not to argue and you are an ass, it pisses me off and makes me feel like I am the only one trying. 
• When I can't tell you what I think because it will cause an argument, it makes me feel like shit.
• When I have to shut my mouth and not argue and play the role of the docile girlfriend it makes me twitch and want to punch you in the face just to prove that I am strong.
• I don't care about the fucking movies!!!!!!
• I want you to talk to me.
• I want you to WANT to talk to me.
• I want you to call me without me asking.
• I want to talk to you every night and I want you to actually want the same thing.
• I want you to want me.
• I want you to love me.
• I want to stop fighting.
• I want to make you happy.
• I want you to make me happy.
• I want you to try.
• Do you love me at all?
• Why?
• I hate you.
• You hurt me without knowing it.
• You hurt me without meaning to.
• You hurt me when you can't get up the energy to call me and tell me goodnight. 
• You hurt me when you put everything before me.
• You hurt me when you don't make time for me.
• You hurt me when you wait until you are exhausted to call me.
• You hurt me when you say you don't care.
• I love you.
• Don't go.
• Please call me.
• I miss you.
• Do you know what happens when you leave, even to go to bed? I am filled with despair. Literally... despair.
• I feel helpless.
• You have too much power over me, whether you want it or not.
• I'm afraid I could lose myself...
• I'm sorry I get carried away.
• I'm sorry I get upset.
• I'm sorry I don't have myself under the kind of control you do.
• Stop killing me and just snuggle...
• Make love to me....
• Treat me like I'm precious to you.
• Make me feel loved.
• Make me feel special.
• Make me... feel.
• Care.
• Treat me like your girlfriend and not just a friend that's a girl.
• Treat me like you love me.
• I'm not sure if you noticed, but I AM the jilted girlfriend.
• What were you thinking about after you read that blog?

Storytime

My life is dull. My life has always been kinda dull. The only time my life hasn't been dull has been when I was going through some kind of traumatic experience.

I don't have happy stories to tell.

I don't have interesting, fun, or romantic stories to tell.

The only stories I have are fucked up and depressing in one way or another.

I haven't had many relationships. Any that I have had didn't start or end well.

I've never really been on a first date.

I've never gone through the normal stages of a relationship. By that I mean I've never met someone out somewhere, gotten their phone number or vice versa, and then gone out with them. It just never happened that way for me. I guess the closest was Robert... I met him at work and that night he asked me out to dinner. After dinner we went back to his place and ended up having sex. I got home at like 3 in the morning and had to babysit the next day. I somehow got him to come over to the house where I was babysitting and yeah... that ended up being a pretty big mistake. That whole relationship was just horrible. The way it ended was traumatizing. The way it ended the second time was sickening.

It's not so much that I missed out on life... It's that I never had the opportunity. In high school I was in band and that's really the only thing I cared about. I don't fit in with my age group. I never have. I never went out... Ok. That's a lie. I went out... once. With Keisha. We went to a club in Nashville, I danced with an African man and he protected me and Keisha from most of the other drunkards as we danced. This was helpful when one particular drunkard wasn't pleased when Keisha wanted nothing more than dancing.

See... I was not and still am not wanted by the masses. I have never had to deal with unwanted gropings or anything of the kind. Keisha however... she has always been wanted by the masses. Big boobs, dancer body, cute face. Really, what more can you ask for?

So. Because of that and the fact that I grew up in a small town, I missed out on a lot of experiences.

I don't generally feel cheated or anything. It doesn't really matter. 

But sometimes I do wish that I could have had a life like that for a little while. 

There was Kirk though... Kirk was probably the closest to a high school kind of fling that most people have. I don't really remember how it happened, but somehow Keisha and I ended up at this pool hall with Kirk, Alex, and Jason. I literally knew none of these people. As we got there, Keisha got someone to get her a Smirnoff and we sat and talked for a bit. Well. I didn't talk. I don't talk to strangers. Kirk was enamored with Keisha. She knew all of these people, especially Kirk. Anyway. At some point I ended up shooting pool with Jason. He was a big guy with a fuzzy face and hair that was a little too long. He was actually really sweet and I walked away with quite the crush on him. See, he talked to me about philosophy. I had just decided that I was going to major in philosophy and he allowed me to engage in my first philosophical conversation. He was a Nietzsche fan. I of course knew nothing of him or any philosopher really, so I had little stars in my eyes. Anyway. At some point Kirk pulls me to the side and asks me about Keisha (yeah, I'm *that* girl). She's  tdating a drummer at the time and has been for a good while. Kirk has no chance in hell. I tell him that but of course he isn't deterred and tries to get her number from me and when that doesn't work, from her. Anyway. Eventually we leave and everything's cool. All in all it was fun. Sure, I was the fat, ugly friend who was probably just getting in the way, but still. Anyway. The next day at school Kirk comes up to me and tells me that his buddy Alex wanted my number. After giving him some kind of look, I gave it to him, vaguely excited. No one had ever tried to get my number before. The next day I think, Kirk comes up to me and tells me that he lied, that he actually wanted my number. I looked at him like he was insane and told him that I wasn't gonna fall for his bullshit and that I knew he was only doing this to get close to Keisha. ... I should explain at this point that Kirk is... hot. Like... hot. Fit without being bulky, tall, solid. Cutest face ever. Just sayin. In other words, out of my league doesn't even begin to cover it. I think at this point I'd had one boyfriend and you can barely even call it that (unless you count late night dates in my front yard as my mother slept a relationship... that's a separate story though, and another almost normal experience for me). So anyway. He assured me that that wasn't the case and I figured I might as well go for it. So yeah. It began. It was short. By short I mean I don't think it lasted more than a week. In that time he was... like a fucking puppy. He would meet me in the halls at school like a proper boyfriend and ignored Keisha. I'm pretty sure she even pulled him aside and told him that he better not be up to anything stupid (like using me to get to her). Anyway, I didn't really get invested. I wasn't that stupid. But yeah, he ended up coming to my work and sitting there and talking to me for like an hour. My boss was really not happy. But really... Kirk helped me get over some stuff. That night he kissed me at work because I told him he wouldn't. I never thought that he'd do that really. But yeah. It made me feel better about myself. We don't have sex. Which is kinda surprising considering the number of times we were alone in his room. But yeah. Another thing I learned from Kirk. We've all got our insecurities. He was afraid to do anything because he has a small penis. Seriously. We're laying there making out and he informs me of his small penis. And of course I was afraid to do anything because, well, I didn't look like the girls he'd been with. His ex, for example with the red hair, big boobs, and cute little body. Yeah. He assured me that i had nothing to worry about though and he was the type that if he said something, you believed him. So I did. Another fear conquered, woo! Anyway, this pointless story comes to an end when the next day Kirk breaks it off with me because I'm too good for him. Which is entirely true, but still, I never would have said that. 

Aaaaaanyway. I don't think I meant to get into all that. I hadn't really thought about all that in a good while. But yeah. You get the point. 

I have no idea where I was going with this. 

I was depressed though and now I'm not so I'm just going to cut off here for now. 

One day you'll get the other stories. Maybe. Geoff is almost interesting. And Dominic is one hell of a saga. Robert is just a fucking nightmare. Chase was the only remotely sweet one and I ended up fucking him over royally. Tim was a short one that did more harm than good. Van was... good for me... kinda... but it was definitely NOT a relationship. 

Yeah. That's all.

**Edit: Josh. I should also talk about Josh. That was another almost normal experience. And Chris. The epic story of Chris and I needs to be told at some point. And...... Hm.... I think that's it. Yeah.