Twisted Beauty

Rants, Raves, and Ridiculousness

My Memory is Fail

So.... my dearest Christopher so lovingly pointed out that my last blog recounting my adventures in Indy was horribly inaccurate. Ok, not horribly inaccurate but I forgot one of the best parts.

When we got back from Suzie's we did not go to bed. No. Not for quite a while. We walked in the door, I turned around, and I was in his arms with his lips on mine. I was a little hazy from the drinking (but not anywhere near drunk) so I was very relaxed and my mind was definitely in an off position (so if I mess this up again please feel free to correct me, love).

I remember his hands sliding around, his lips moving down my neck. I remember the whispered words, "Can I worship you?" "Yes!" I screamed in my mind but it came out as more of a groan. "Will you be my Goddess?" Another affirmative something from me.

I remember clothes being pushed away. Both mine and his.

We wound up on the bed. I don't remember how we got there. My body was almost shaking in anticipation and excitement... I don't know what I expected but what I got was better than anything I could have come up with.

He took his time. Dear God, how he took his time. He stayed away from the obvious pleasure spots but everywhere else was fair game and he attacked my senses with his mouth for the next God only knows how long. The feel of his tongue stroking and tapping against my skin is something I won't be forgetting any time soon. By the time he reached my arms he had barely begun and I was ready to fall apart. I knew I had some sensitive places... but he seemed to know them better than I. To say he drove me crazy is an understatement but anything else just seems fake. By the time he had me roll over I would have begged for him to... But no. He was having none of that. He spent just as much time on my back as he had my front. He made sure to find every sensitive area and noticed every time my reactions changed. He learned everything. No one had ever done something like that before. No one had been that... thorough. I thought that was something that you only read about it silly romance novels. Men don't have the patience for such things. Oh but he definitely did.

For those of you that know me... this next part will shock you beyond your wildest dreams. If you're still reading that is. Sorry, I suppose this is a bit graphic for the public sphere, but hey. It's not really for you, it's for me... and him... so you really don't have to read it.

Anyway. Back to the story. His mouth trailed down my legs. My extremely sensitive legs. If I hadn't orgasmed by now I was about to. Which of course was his goal. To make me cum without using his hands and without going for the obvious areas. As his mouth trailed lower I got nervous. I'm weird about my feet. People do not touch them and I do not touch other people's. That's how this has worked for the past 20 years or so. I didn't say anything though. I figured I would just see what happened and if I couldn't take it I would say something then. I couldn't take it. I couldn't even begin to take it, but not for the reasons that I had thought. We will just leave it at I discovered something new and I was damned happy to find out even if it is kind of uncomfortable to think about.

Actually... I think all of that happened before I turned over... but anyway. I have the events, my timeline just always gets messed up. Sorry. That's why I should have been writing this as I was there. Of course there was no time for such things. ;)

Anywho. It was around that point that my mind had shattered and I was pretty much a mass of sensation.

Whatever happened after that is fuzzy. But I know that that was one of the best, if not the best, experience I'd ever had.

But I really hope that I took care of him after all of that and I'm damning myself to hell that I can't remember. It's ok. Maybe he can save the day with his memory that actually works. =D

I, I, I, I, I, I, I..... God, I hate I.

I have cried at least once every day for the past week.

I think I'm depressed.

I know I'm depressed.

I don't really know why.

I mean, I know the C stuff... but... really? This is crazy. I'm moody and irritable and just... fucking sad.

I don't know how to fix it.

God, I feel selfish. I always talk about me.

God, I just hate me sometimes. I don't do enough for others. Even though I do. I don't give myself enough time taking care of me but I can't. Jesus fuck this makes no sense.

I'm losing it.

I won't tell you what I'm fantasizing about right now... You'll tell me to go back to therapy. I'm supposed to be over that. I'm supposed to be taking care of myself.

I'd like to just curl up in the fetal position and lie here. For hours. Days. I just am not in the mood for life anymore.

Nothing makes me feel better.

I tried doubling my meds today. It didn't help. I'm not surprised. I think I might get drunk....

**Edit: I might be drunk right now. A little. And it might be awesome. =D

Closet Poetry

A rambling poem-type thing that needs no title.

My soul feels empty
My heart feels full

I am lost within myself
I am lost in you

My throat burns
With tears unshed

My heart clings
To memories of you

My body aches
To be touched by you

My life is for you now
We cannot be apart

It's a scary thought
Made scarier because it's true

We are two
Who have made a whole

We are two
Who have filled the holes

Your heart is mine
And mine is yours

Take my body while you're at it
It only sings for you

Take my hand
Don't let go

Don't look down now
Never be afraid

We're flying high
We are the clouds and the stars and the sky

We'll fly with the rainbows and the sparrows
With the doves and the gulls

Our love will makes us infinite
Our love will makes us immortal

There is something in us now
That could never ever die

We will be gods
It'll be just you and me

The world will fade
But never will we

We will exist forever
In the love we have made

And forever shall it be true
That I love you.

The Meeting,

I don't want to forget a moment of my trip to Indy so I'm going to write down as much of it as I can remember now. Hopefully there won't be too many holes.

I got to Springfield around 10pm on Friday. Tiff and I talked and caught up for a few hours and then I laid down. I didn't actually sleep... I might have gotten a couple hours but I was back up by 5 am. It was really good to see her. She's been going through a rough time as of late and I liked being there for her, being able to physically give her a hug.

At 9 that morning Suzie texted me and asked if I was there yet. She and Brandy were already excited and waiting on me; they even called my hotel to see if I could check in early, lol. I gave them the title of creepy stalker friends for that move. Luckily, they at least somewhat understand my humor and didn't take it personally. :)

I left Springfield around noon and headed for Indy. The drive there was torture. I had barely been able to eat for days and I was thankful at that point, if anything had been in my system it surely would have come up, lol. I was texting him the whole way there and we were both getting ridiculously nervous.

I checked into the hotel at 2. As soon as I stepped foot in my room I was fine. The nerves were gone. I was there and everything was fine. I had actually made it and this was actually happening. I called my mother and told her that I had made it safely. My excitement was apparent. After I hung up I jumped into the shower and started the process of getting ready. I had no idea what to wear, lol. I had meant to bring a skirt to greet him at the door in but apparently had forgotten it. I settled on a pair of new jeans and a new, cute shirt. I looked pretty ok. My makeup didn't suck and my hair was behaving. Now I just had to wait.

It was probably another 20-30 minutes before he got there (I get ready fast, even for such important moments). I saw him pull into the parking lot from the window in my room. I smiled as soon as I saw his face and I knew that everything was going to be ok. He looked so cute. And I loved his car. :D A red Camaro. It's always been one of my favorites. He called me and I told him where to park and that I'd come down and get him. As I walked down the stairs my nerves picked up again but I think it was more excitement than anything. I pushed open the door, turned the corner, and there he was, just getting out of his car. When he looked at me his eyes were huge and he looked so frightened! I don't remember what I said... Probably "Hi." followed by some inane rambling about how it was nice to meet him. As I was walking over to his car he looked more and more scared. It was so cute. He had been working with his dad that day so he was in all his work clothes that make him look a lot bulkier than he is. He looked like a dwarf with his beard and the get-up. (Don't ever tell him I said that or I'll kill you!) I found it amazingly cute. He finally shut the door and I asked if I could give him a hug. He was still staring at me with that look on his face. He answered in some form of yes so I ran and threw my arms around his neck. Apparently I was a little too excited. I knocked his glasses all askew and nearly broke his nose. >.< I couldn't help it though! It had to be done!

Anyway. After that near catastrophe we headed upstairs to the room. He put his stuff down and I went and sat on one of the beds. We talked and bantered for a little bit and then he walked over, took my face between his hands and kissed me. It was amazing. I had butterflies in my stomach and when his lips touched mine everything was ok in the world. It sent a little zing through my system.. something I hadn't felt in a very, very long time. If I remember correctly, he pulled back slightly and that was the first time I got to look into his eyes as he told me he loved me.

After that he took his shower while I sat in the bathroom and talked to him. I'd never done that before but with him everything just seemed natural. It was weird in a comforting and amazing kind of way. Everything was just... right. There was no awkwardness, no getting used to each other, no sizing each other up. We just fit. Everything was just... perfect.

I left the bathroom to let him dry off and get dressed. He made it as far as his boxers before he came into the main bedroom and jumped on me while I was laying on the bed. (**Warning, this may get graphic. I'm not a fan of editing myself.)

More kissing.

Touching.

Clothes thrown aside, unneeded.

A bra that never quite made it off. A bra that I had bought just for him. A bra with matching panties that were quickly disposed of.

I remember the way his lips tasted, still wet from his shower.

I remember the feel of his hands running over my body for the first time.... the feel of his mouth on my flesh.

I remember the impatience with which I pushed down his single item of clothing. He didn't need those.

And then... he was inside of me for the first time ever.

I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say that it was amazing and I could not possibly have been happier or more satisfied.

The only negative was that we couldn't stay like that for the rest of the night. We had plans. His friends were expecting us. I'd met him an hour ago and I already had sex hair.

We managed to disentangle ourselves and get dressed. I'm pretty sure we were both glowing around that time. I know I was. I could see the happiness in his eyes. I'd kill to see that every day for the rest of my life.

We made it to Suzie's about an hour late after having to stop at two different stores so he could find the shirt he wanted. I swear... it was like we had been together forever. The way we talked to each other, the way we were together... You never would have guessed that I had just met this man a couple of hours ago. Natural doesn't even begin to cover it. We walked into Suzie's and she met us in the hallway. It was great to finally meet her. She gave me a hug and then Brandy did the same. I met Ron who isn't as scary as everyone said but definitely has more than a little streak of asshole running through him. After the debacle of getting my food (Suzie had made Chicken a la King, something I'd never had before, and apparently I did it wrong. How was I to know the biscuit was supposed to go on the bottom!?) we sat down and ate. It was pretty grand fun. I got to see him interact with his friends and they were all pretty amazing. Everyone was friendly and accepting and reminded me a lot of my own friends back home. We got along just fine. Nicole came in a little later. She didn't say much so I never got the chance to make fun of her or anything. I'm sure everyone was disappointed.

Shortly after dinner everyone started drinking which of course just made everything better. I started late so I wouldn't get too drunk but apparently I caught up pretty quick. We had cherry vodka mixed with lemonade. I was a fan. :D Chris was making a calendar for the baby shower that was the next day as I was sipping on my drink and talking to Brandy. When he came back he had Jager and a Red Bull. I don't know how anyone can drink that stuff (the Red Bull) but he somehow managed it. That was his last drink. He had to drive home and he said he was starting to feel it. He sat over on the little loveseat under the window and got me to come over and sit with him. By then I had had two or three drinks and was on the verge of drunkenness. I ended up laying with my head in his lap as he sent me texts with terribly naughty ideas. I don't know what time we left but I was mostly sober by then.

However, I can't quite remember if we went straight to bed or if there were more sexings once we got to the hotel. I'm pretty sure we just went to bed. I do remember that I didn't sleep much that night. Probably only a couple of hours. I think I was trying to adjust to having someone sleeping beside me. I'm kind of glad I didn't sleep much though, it let me see how he slept and it was so cute. Every time we would drift apart, he would come right back up behind me and hold me close. It made me feel loved and needed and wanted.

He also snores really cutely. :D He never snores for more than a minute and only a couple times through the night and it's all soft and adorable.... Geez... I never thought I'd be one of those people, lol.

But yes. It was amazing and I love him.

This is already a ridiculously long post so I will tell you about the rest of the week later. :)

I don't expect you to understand.

I wish I could explain to you what it makes me feel when I see you talk to her. It's very complicated for me. I don't know what to do. I know you like her... a lot. You guys even say you love each other, even if it's just in a friendly way. I know you're strongly attracted to her. We've discussed all of the above. It's not so much that I fear that you will leave me... it's more that I fear having only a piece of your heart. I fear that one day you will get caught up in the moment and then it will be too late. I could forgive you such things but it would be at a cost. I fear that I bore you... or that I will bore you. I fear that you will always need something new.

I'm fine with your friendship with her. Completely and utterly fine. Seriously. But every scrap of affection that passes between the two of you when I am not explicitly involved scares me. The thought of you two talking anywhere but Facebook terrifies me. Perhaps it is a control thing. I'm sure it is. Perhaps I just fail at trust. But I do hope you could understand why I feel the way I do. I already think I'm not enough. I already think that our relationship will get dull and you will look elsewhere.

*sigh* This sounds worse than I mean for it too.

I don't know how to make it clear. So I will try again.

I know that you aren't going to intentionally hurt me in any way. I know this as well as I know that I would never do the same to you. I know that you would not choose a relationship with anyone else over me, just as I know the same of me. I know that I love you and I know that you love me in the same way. I know that we are supposed to be together. Period. I know this. I feel this. I love this.

I fear that with time you will want someone else either because our relationship becomes stagnant, we go through a rough patch, or just because you need something new and exciting. I fear that I will not excite you. I fear that I will not be enough for you. I fear that something will happen that neither of us ever intended.

I fear that you will seek companionship that will lead to something more. Something that I can see very easily between you and she. I love that you are friends. I do... I just don't love everything else all the time. But you're such a good friend to her. And she to you. And you need more people in your life as I cannot always be available when you need someone no matter how hard I try. I fear that I will fail you and you will turn to her seeking comfort and in a state of weakness things will just.... happen. I am not attempting to doubt your self control or will or love for me or anything of the kind. I just know what kind of things can happen in those moments. It is possible.

I feel bad for thinking any of these things. I feel bad for not having a 100% trust in you. I do have hopes that you really will understand. I don't know that you will. But I do hope. And I hope that you won't just say that you love me and everything is going to be ok. I want to actually talk about it. I don't even know what I'd say...

I think perhaps I would be most comfortable if you two were more friendly and less... friendly. *sigh* I don't know. I feel that I'm beating a dead horse but yet I also feel that I haven't said what I actually need to say... but

I feel like our relationship will become too comfortable. That... you won't want woo me or anything anymore. That... I don't know. =/ That I won't be interesting anymore. That my appeal will diminish. And yet you will always love me. But you won't be excited about it. You'll just be here. We'll be sharing our lives together but there won't be any passion. We'll be roommates... who love each other and share affection but... sigh... Do you know what I mean?

Does anyone know what I mean?

Is this how relationships just are and I need to realize that? Am I simply being naive? Do I just not understand? Am I lost in my fantasy world again?

More importantly... if I am... do I want to leave?

I don't think I do. I'm not ready. I want to be on a cloud with you. I want everything to still be magical. I want to feel so deeply in love that my heart can't beat without you in it. I still have the fantasy that it will always be that way... even though it won't. But I can want it, can't I? Or am I just setting myself up for disappointment? I think I need to know the answers to these questions, even if I don't heed those answers.

I love you. More than anything. And I truly and honestly believe it will always be that way. I vow to you... to love you every day I live.

I hope this doesn't sound any kind of irrational. I really have thought it out... It really does make sense to me...

... We'll see.

Maybe one day you will even read this.

Maybe.

Stalkers