Those Damn Cows....

Today was a REALLY good day!! I don't know why, but I have been extremely happy all day and it has just been grand.

I talked to C pretty much from the time I woke up to the time he went to bed (about 5 minutes ago) and it was just grand. I'm going to marry him. I just decided. Well, not really (about the just deciding part... I already knew), but he said we could have the library/study that I want (because it's what he's wanted too) and that's pretty much all I need in life. :D.... again, I kid. But still. That's important stuff!

I'm also listening to Owl City as I'm writing this. That automatically makes the happy factor increase by like 7 trillion. If you haven't looked him up yet you should.

There are lots of parenthetical things going on in this blog. Odd.

The new blog with Alison is going well. Here's to hoping we keep it up. Unlike the soap... and the candles... and whatever else we started to do. We really are entrepreneurs of great ideas. We just really need the follow-though, lol.

That's all I've got for you today!

Happy New Year's Eve!

OH! And I think I figured out that it's dairy that's making me sick. Testing will be done.

Sunshine

I feel much better today! No one is telling me their going to kill themselves and there has been no emergency within my family that I wasn't told about. That automatically makes it awesomer.

In fact... I love everyone again! YAY! I knew you were worried, my one little reader.... and I love you the mostest! :)

I think I'm going to clean and maybe work out. *pauses for the gasps* And then... I'm going to play WoW. See, everything is still normal after all. =D

Just Feelings. They Mean Nothing.

I'm always going to be the black sheep.
I'm always going to be the one no one can understand.
I'm always going to be the last to know.

I feel like I've lost my sister.
I feel like... I just feel like... crying.

I hate feeling so isolated.
I hate that I love someone I can't touch.
I hate... everything... and nothing.
I hate that I only have one person who is close enough to me to hug me when I need it.

I hate being alone.
I hate that no one thinks I can understand.
I hate that no one will tell me what's really going on.
I hate that I'm crying right now.

I hate that I love my family when they don't act like they love me back.
I hate that I still love the people who almost killed me.

I'm overreacting.
I don't care.
It hurts.
It's allowed to hurt and I'm going to let it.

I hate that everyone is getting closer and I'm getting shoved to the side.
I hate that their religious beliefs dictate their lives.
I hate.... I just hate. I hate it all.

But.....
I don't hate me.
And that's what matters.
I know that I am absolutely who I want to be.
I know that I am exactly what I need to be.

And we'll leave it at that.

C

My heart hurts. He just went to bed and I already miss him. I've turned into one of *those* girls. /sigh I don't want to be one of *those* girls. I'm not, not really. But if I think about how much I care for him I'll get scared and run away and I definitely don't want that. I'm ready for March to be here already. I want to get this meeting thing done so that I can put both our minds to rest and we can move on with things. I want us to both be sure and the only way to really do that is to meet. I do so wish I could just leave now and run up there for a couple days. I would dearly love that. I've just gotten so much closer to him over the past couple weeks. I really didn't know that we could get on this well. I think we needed our first tumultuous affair so that we could both grow and end up where we are now. We've both changed quite a bit since the summer, that's for sure. I'm getting to the point where I think I would be utterly crushed if he were to just leave... but I'm also to the point where logically, I don't think it will happen. We've been able to openly talk about things that I wouldn't have even thought about talking to him about in the past. He's been able to relieve all of my fears (not that there are that many) and that in itself has been a godsend.

I just *sigh*. I love him. Beyond that, I can actually see it working long term without that much of a stretch of the imagination. I know that no one else really gets it... but no one else really sees what I see when I look at him and very few people get to see the sides of him that I've seen.

I'm going "home" in a couple days. It's always stressful when I'm there and we don't get to talk as much which makes me massively sad and I'm already getting sad just thinking about it. I'll get to see 4 of my best friends though and that's worth it.

The moral of the story: Turns out I do know what it means to love.

Freaks

We are freaks we follow the code of freaks

We are freaks stand back and that's that

We are freak we fuck who we please and do what we choose

We look bad we're not disease or confused

We are freaks we are butch we are fem

We are freaks look at him look at them

We are freaks I know this guy who can suck his own dick

And my mother has a friend who has 3 tits

T-t-t-true story

We are freaks we follow the code of freaks

We are freaks stand back and that's that

We are freaks we fuck who we please and do what we choose

We look bad we're not disease or confused

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

One of us one of us

And then I thought I was a freak when I shaved my head and I pierced my dick

Walks like a lumberjack and talks like a lady

With the flannel shirt, steel toe boots, Levi's faded

All hail

She's the king, she's the queen

All hail of the freaks, all the freaks on the scene

From the Bows of the Bowery to the bustle of Bombay

She's the bearded lady of Avenue A

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

That's the way God planned it

That the way

All hail

She's the king, she's the queen

All hail of the freaks, all the freaks on the scene

From the Bows of the Bowery to the bustle of Bombay

She's the bearded lady of Avenue A

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

That's the way God planned it

That's the way

...................................................................................................................

From Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Je l'adore.